Friday, November 19, 2010
When the mood strikes, I feel the need to write. This is the only outlet I have, where I know I can say what is on my mind and SOMEONE out there is listening. I may not know their name or where they live, but they are out there and they are reading this with an open mind. I don’t like to burden anyone with my feelings or depressed states. I am the one who everyone wants to talk to and I intend to keep it that way. With that, this session has begun:
Death is inevitable and I know that now. I remember the very first time I realized that. I think I was around 16 or 17 and my great grandma (Granny) had died. It was my very first trip to a cemetery and a funeral. I remember the small plot in the ground for her urn to be buried. I had never seen an urn before. I couldn't believe that was all that was left of her. I saw my grandpa cry at the end and knew that death was real. I remember that is when I wrote my very first real poem. And so it began…
I remember every funeral I have been to since then. I remember every person that was buried. I remember how I felt and every time I remember that each funeral made me think of all the funerals I had been to in the past. Death makes me think of nothing but good about the person that passed and that even though it is a sad moment, there are more happy moments to make their passing less painful. Then death hit even closer to home, it actually hit my home.
I remember I had found out that my father had cancer the day that I was going to a funeral for a dear friend’s father. I felt like such an ass, because all I could think of when I got there was that my dad could be in that casket… Sadly, less than a year later my father was in that same room, at the same funeral parlor, in a similar casket. Talk about irony. I began losing my faith in whatever it was I believed in. I believed that bad people should be stricken with bad diseases and I though that for a long time.
My grandmother passed away yesterday. Sadly, we were not as close as we all should have been, but that does not mean I have ever loved her any less. I have many fond memories of her. The way she taught me how to knit and wouldn’t give up until I did it right (I know where daddy got it from). Her “tough love” attitude that sometimes scared me but made us kids mind her. The way she took care of me when I was sick when my parents were out of town. She would always comment on my hair and how she loved it long. I guess the point I am making is miles in between family shouldn’t mean anything. Love and happy memories can go on for a lifetime, and that will keep her in my heart forever.
With my grandmother’s passing, it has brought something to my mind however, that makes me so sad. I feel that now everything that was my father has now gone away. The people that brought him into this world are now gone and all that is left of him, well, is my sisters and I. I am hoping that since they are all up their together, they can all be forced to get along and be happy together. It’s like it is official, as childish as this sounds. All of him is gone and that just hurts.
I am sad, but I am also, so very thankful that I have my mother. My aunts and uncles are grown adults but they are still grandma’s babies. It pains me just to know that anyone has lost their mother. Words could not describe what it would do to me if I lost mine. Cancer has taken enough of her, but to lose her entirely would be something I don’t know that I could handle. I don’t know what it feels like, and I don’t ever want to feel it. Losing a mother would be losing a part of you. She carried you around and kept you healthy and alive inside herself for 9 months. Then she brings you out into the world and protects you as long as she can. I am so grateful that I have my mother still.
Watching people die makes you sad, but you should still be grateful for what you have in your life…I am grateful for: James, Mason, Mom, Mimi, Jon, Tara, Kerri,Steven, all Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, nephews, best friends and to be alive..
Peace, Love and FAMILY