Mother's Day=HeartBreak

Realizing I have not written anything since October, kills me inside. Looking at the last post to my blog pisses me off because I totally let that project go. I think I will use the excuse that work got busy and took my free time. Yes, that will work for me. I have a lot going on in my head and it may not make sense to you, but then again I started this blog to help me, so it’s just not about you, now is it? I just have a lot to process and this is normally the best place for me to do it, so..Here we go..
I am having a harder time this year with Mother’s Day coming up than I did last year. I think perhaps I was still in the numb/denial stage possibly? Wait, I am still in the numb/denial stage. WHEN DOES THIS STAGE END??  I know there is no timeline on grief, I get that, right now I wish I could get that part of my brain frozen or removed so that I don’t have to think about it so much.

I get constant reminders on social media of what was going on this time last year. While it upsets me at first, it is helping me get through this by actually attempting to process it.  I have pictures of her everywhere, hell I even wear her shoes. (Not being morbid, I had started wearing them prior to her passing). I don’t even want to celebrate Mother’s Day, knowing that I am a mother, and that I have a mother-in-law, it’s just not the same. I try and make it into a day about me, but it ends in heartbreak because I always think about her.

On the other hand, thank God I have my grandmother, because I don’t know where the hell I would be emotionally without her. I wish she wasn’t so far away, so that I could just go hug her and cry on Mother’s Day, because I know she gets it. Every time she calls me, she apologizes for bothering me, when in fact it was perfect timing almost like she needed to call me to talk me down without knowing it.  We have always had a special bond me and my Mimi and all I can think of these days is what the hell will I do when I don’t have her? I can’t help but think that, because let’s face it, my life has been a whole lot of death lately.

There are days when I just feel alone, where a phone call just doesn’t fix it and I want to roll over and go back to sleep because I think the outside world is better off not crossing my path. I get so angry, because I have always been the supporter for everyone and yet where is my support? If I had support would I even accept it? Probably not, I am so stubborn that I would just say my normal “I’m ok, but thanks”. I don’t want to be anyone’s problem. I am enough of my own problem that I just can’t deal with.
And just like that, I have run out of words… Peace n Love

Just Write

I have recently started a new job that believes a lot in goals for their employees. Like I seriously had homework to fill out a professional goal sheet to put in my file, to revisit! I have never been with a company that believed so much in what they do and the people that work for them. So this was one of my goals “to journal more”. My biggest problem has been finding topics to write on, instead of being all depressed every time. I put about 140-150 prompts in a jar and every night I pick out (Mason does) a random topic, I set a timer for 10 minutes and I write until the timer stops and then I stop. So far I have stuck with it for the most part. I don’t pick another topic until I have finished the topic already picked. So far I have what you see below. Obviously if the mood strikes I will turn a prompt into one post, but so far the 10 minute limit has been helpful. I recommend anyone doing this that enjoys writing or keeping a journal and STICK with it, which is my biggest problem. Enjoy (or not, that’s up to you)

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Prompt #1: How would you like to make this world a better place? How can you best share your gifts with the world?

Wait a minute… Did I just wake up in the Miss Universe Pageant? In all honesty, Mason picked my first prompt out of the jar, so I had to do it or it would be cheating the whole project I am attempting here. With that... here goes nothing...  

If I had the means to make the word a better place, I would begin with children and move my way to adults. I would do it in that order because I believe that if children do not have responsible adults to help them through life, then that makes their lives hard to deal with alone. No child should have to suffer through life without someone that cares for them. Children are the ones most in need of help in our society and they are our future, so beginning with them would help the world already become a better place for that reason alone. I would then attempt to help as many adults as I could that legitimately needed help in their lives, regardless of their support system or lack thereof.  There are too many people out there that have nobody and are actually giving life their all, just to fail or give up in the end.

I would set up a home environment like others that was free of charge but with rules that needed to be followed. So that people wouldn’t have to worry about health coverage etc. Not a homeless shelter, something along the lines of a transitional living environment that provided a system of support through like-minded individuals. Which makes sense, because right now I work for a company that does these types of things, but through referrals from insurance companies.

I guess my biggest gifts that would be useful in this situation would be my gift of being a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.

I would do everything I could in my power to help by any means possible and hope that this would make the world a better place.

Time’s up!

Peace N Love

Prompt #2: If you had to evacuate your home because of a natural disaster, what three things would you take with you? 

Ok. So being that this is MY blog I am going to assume things are not the same as people or pets (hedgehogs too!) and say that they are already included in what I would take OBVIOUSLY!

I have actually given this type of thing a lot of thought before and I joke about it all the time, however if it really came down to it and I was limited on what I could grab on my way out the following would be in my very sweaty hands:

Purse, phone and…… mommy’s ashes

I CANNOT for the life of me think of a third thing that is of much importance to me so I will wait and touch on the two things I just listed.

My purse for obvious reasons! I have my banking information and identification in there so that would just be a smart thing for me to have.

My phone for reasons of being able to call for emergency reasons dependent, of course upon what this natural disaster was.

My mommy’s ashes, because I could not handle the thought of losing her twice! Even though it is just a small amount, it’s still a super big deal to me.

This prompt poses so many questions in my head that would tweak my answers each time. Like is this is a natural disaster that we are warned about? Because then I could take like 3 big suitcases and fill them up with a ton of things that I would need (memory type stuff and legal paperwork etc.). If it was a last minute thing, then these are the three things I would make sure to grab on my way out the door.

Either way, that is my answer and my time is up!

What would you take?

Peace N Love!

Prompt #3: Is there anything you feel guilty about? Is there anything you need to be forgiven for? 

Wow, we got right into the deep stuff on #3. Just a precursor, Mason picks the prompts out for me each night, so they are totally random. I almost threw this one out, because as soon as he read it out loud to me this was the first thing that popped into my head. So in the interest of time (10 minutes) here we go. 

I feel a lot of guilt when it comes to my mom.  I feel guilty for not doing more of the things she wanted to do when we were together. I hold the biggest amount of guilt when I think about the day that ultimately led to her leaving forever. I know it’s not my fault, but it doesn't make the weight and less heavy. 

When she moved in, we were all concerned about her living upstairs, but we had a system in place that worked really well (when she followed it, sometimes she was sneaky). When she was ready to come downstairs, she would call down and one of us would come up and walk down with her. On February 27th, we followed the system that was in place and she made it down the stairs. It was the first step on to the floor from the stairs that she slipped on and I was right there, but I didn't catch her...

I don't want to be forgiven and since this is MY blog I am not in NEED of forgiveness. I just want to apologize to her and hear her say "it's ok gnocchi, stop being so hard on yourself". I just want to apologize to everyone, for not catching her that day....

Peace N Love

I Feel TOO Much, so thank you Jamie Tworkowski.. (A kind of book review)

I just read a book! (stop laughing.. I know who you are)  More importantly, I just read a book in less than 4 days that literally felt like I was reading my own words at some points.

If you feel too much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped for by Jaime Tworkowski. 

If you have never heard of this guy, then you should look him up. He doesn’t preach religion or finding Jesus or 12 steps (none of which are bad just not for everyone). He preaches things that speak to everyone whether you are spiritually inclined, a friend of Bill or none of the above. I use the word preaches, because reading his writing made me feel spiritual in a way. 

Jaime started an organization called To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA), which started as a piece he wrote about a close friend of his that suffered from depression, addiction, self-injury and thoughts of suicide. His stories are real stories, some sad and some happy, but they all have a meaning that I can relate to. I actually used my highlighter tool to save references to return to if/when needed.

There was a light that went out after mom passed, a light that shined and helped me get through things with words from my heart. This book just gave me my light back and made me realize that sharing stories just like Jamie does, helps others, especially when you are just doing that, telling life stories that are real. Most people don’t want you to talk at them or throw a whole bunch of information in their faces about depression statistics and medications and what’s wrong with you; I know that is a negative experience for me.  

When I started my blog years ago, my intentions were to put my thoughts out there in hopes that it would help someone; even if it is just one person that happens upon it and says “well damn, I’m not alone” that would make it worthwhile putting my inner most feelings out there for anyone to judge, because honestly, as I was reading this book, I said that quite a few times. 

This book hit something in me and made me want to get back to life. 

I hope that one day, to have helped even one person like I set out to do at a very young age in high school.

Since I am way too excited to get the right words out, I will finish with one of my favorite quotes from the book in the chapter titled Elephants (Father’s Day).

“Love is a thousand things, but at the center is a choice. It is a choice to love people. Left to myself, I get quiet and bitter and critical. I get angry. I feel sorry for myself. It is a choice to love people. It is a choice to be kind. It is a choice to be patient, to be honest, to live with grace. I would like to start making better choices.”

and so would I..

Peace & Love…

Not Sorry...

This week, I turned over the proverbial new leaf.  

I have never spoken to anyone professional about anything EVER, I am normally the ear for others (which I love and cherish), however the recent passing of my mom has opened up a whole new me that I am not very happy with. I am hoping that speaking to a professional will help me to vent/write a bit more (good for me, not necessarily for you). Writing has always been my “out” and I have done it since I was a young emotional teen, so when I realized I can’t get the words out, I thought it might be time to change my approach. Let me just preface this with the fact that, 

NO I am not embarrassed that I am seeing a counselor, nobody should be. Anyone that has read my blogs, knows that I tell all and you can like it or hate it, you don’t have to read it.

I am going to try and write at least once a week or every other, just to get it out, because that is the best medicine for me. This week, was my first appointment and I had a migraine the day after from all the crying, if that tells you anything. I learned a lot in the hour that I was there. I learned things that I have been afraid to say or feel. I felt like for once I was talking to someone who was not judging what I was saying, she was cheering for me, and I have not been use to that. Yes, I know it’s her job to be my cheerleader, but still it felt good to just unload to a neutral party. I always have and always will be the caretaker, but I cannot emotionally help others, if I am having a hard time taking care of my own mental state.

Even before mom passed in March, I was a very apologetic person. I apologize for my mood no matter what it was, hell I would apologize for apologizing.  Well, I was told to stop saying sorry for feeling the way that I fee. I need to stop saying sorry for being sad that my mother died, I need to stop saying sorry for crying out of the blue and being so sad that I don’t want to get out of bed, this is all normal. I’m NOT sorry for the tears I have and will keep shedding for my mother.

I also realized that I have put off the grieving process; I figured keeping busy would be the best thing for me (fixing a bench, making blankets, painting wine bottles, etc). Now that Mason is back in school and I am still out of a job, I have too much time on my hands and I am forced to feel this pain.  

So this is the beginning… I cannot be a happy mother, wife, sister, aunt, granddaughter or friend, if I am not happy in my own skin.  I am going to grieve and I am going to continue to be confused about how everything happened so quickly, but I am allowed to feel that way. Until next week (hopefully)

Peace n Love

It's Mourning all day long

A couple days into my 35^th year of life and my head has been going double time… It seems like this year FLEW by. I suppose time flies when you are crazy busy and/or when you’re having fun? This day last year I was thanking my mother for making my Luau themed surprise birthday a complete success, and filled her in on the shenanigans that ensued after she went to sleep. I came home from work that day already privy to the “surprise” plan that I could not say no to, knowing my mom had put so much effort into it. When her and my husband joined forces, anything happened from parties to magnetic chalk walls (it fills my heart knowing they got along so well). She had a grass skirt and a coconut bra ready for me when I got there, did I want to wear this? HELL NO, but it meant the world to her so, on it went. I sit here thinking back to the evening of fun, complete with vodka filled tropical punch that she made and a bunch of my friends gathered to celebrate. Having my mommy here, throwing me a party made for a lasting memory that I will always hold dear. In hindsight, I feel that she knew she might not be here for my 35^th and that made this birthday a painful one.

Last week marked the 3^rd month since I was able to hug her. It has felt like the longest 3 months of my life.  I have done nothing but keep myself busy doing crafty things and painting anything that will stand still long enough for me to transform it. I’m not sure if I am grieving or even how to grieve for that matter. I feel like everything that could go wrong after a death, HAS gone wrong. I have been verbally smacked down numerous times and continued to get back up because I know I am doing right by my mother.

On occasion, I feel as if I am a stronger person, but more often than not, I feel terribly weak and broken. Every morning is a struggle to even get out of bed, not that I have always been a bright shiny morning person or anything, but now more than ever, it is close to impossible to get myself up. I could turn off my phone and go back to sleep every morning and stay in bed the entire day if I had no responsibilities.

That age old saying “everything happens for a reason” has always been something I have lived by in the past and continue to live by presently. The hardest thing for me to accept is that everything over the past year HAS happened for a reason, mind you, it has not been any reasoning that I have enjoyed, but either way, a reason. If my job had not fell apart, I would not have been home to take care of mom the day she fell, which then led to spending days at Hospice with my sister, which led to saying goodbye, which led to going to Florida for her memorial, moving right into summer vacation with Mason, which saved us a ton of money and ultimately a trip with Mason back to Florida for what I am hoping will be a more upbeat visit with my family. While not all of what I just blurted out is negative, it is just what I think about daily to keep moving forward.

The time that I have been able to spend with my mother, my son, my family is irreplaceable!  My family has always been and will always be my world, regardless of any money that I have or need or stuff, I can thank my parents for that lesson.

If I have learned anything this past year, it is this:

Tomorrow is not promised…If you are lucky enough to have the time to spend with your family and loved ones, you spend that time with them! Don’t be stupid! Jobs will be there, bills will always be there, but your loved one may not be.

Find another job, if they don’t care enough to support you! I learned that the hard way too many times. Hug them, kiss them, cuddle with them if they ask you to, drop what you are doing and spend the time or you will regret it. . .

Peace n Love

BEGIN RANT

Tomorrow marks 2 months since mommy gained her wings in heaven. I forced myself to go through her things over the past couple of weeks as we had a yard sale scheduled for this weekend. I thought that this would help me move forward. On one hand it did, but on the other hand it put me in reverse. Cleaning out her room just made it more real that she is not coming back.

I held back tears putting her tiny sized clothing in garbage bags to donate. The hardest part for me was donating her hot pink wheelchair and walker. She was so excited that I got that color and she was proud to ride in it because it was pretty and it didn’t look like a gray old wheelchair that you get at the hospital.  I originally had a note on it stating “make me an offer”, but when this lady came up and told me what her job was, I felt that donating was the best thing to do and mom would have wanted it that way. This lady works in case management at a local hospital and said that often time’s individuals come in and shouldn't be walking around, so they have them there to donate.  Mom also worked in case management at a time in her life and helped people just like this lady did, so paying it forward was how I saw it. 

I sit here watching the digital picture frame go through pictures that she chose and I think denial is in full effect right now. I really feel, some days, that she is going to come back. I feel like she is just mad at me or we had a fight and she is going to call me and everything will go back to normal. I felt the same way when daddy died, but this is such a different feeling.  Her room is empty but her smell is still there.  I loved her smell, and I don’t want to ever forget it, but right now I want it to go away and no matter how many times I clean the room it is always there. I can’t seem to move forward from this spot.

I look at these pictures and see her smiling face surrounded with all her grandchildren, because that is what she loved. I wish I could smile like she is smiling in her pictures and how I like to think she is smiling with daddy by her side, but I can’t. I hear her voice in my head over and over each day looking at the fish in the pond, yelling at Dolly for trying to run off, but the worst is first thing in the morning when we watched the Today show and drank coffee together. That was her favorite time of day and she looked forward to it as did I. 

My whole body hurts with pain right now and I am trying so hard to just push forward like she always did over the years, but it is easier said than done.

I go to sleep every night in hopes that she will come to me in my dreams like daddy did to tell me everything is OK, but now my dreams don’t even include her or daddy. They are strange dreams of people that were a part of my life in the past, coming to give me these awkward hugs and tell me they are so sorry for my loss and all I can do is cry, I can’t even get words out to say thank you, the entire dream I am just crying an inconsolable hyperventilating cry. Then I wake up and the world is still there minus her.

I pick up the phone to call her and remember that I can’t. At this point, I can’t call anyone. I feel like everything has fallen to shit since March 23^rd. I have always tried to keep everyone together because that was what mom always wanted. There were people I never wanted to forgive and I did because it made sense and it made my mother happy in the end. Is it wrong that I’m tired of doing that? Is it wrong that I want someone else to do it for once? I need her to tell me it’s ok.

I thank god daily that I have my husband and still have my phone calls with Mimi, or I don’t think I would have been able to push forward these past few weeks. I can honestly say that mother’s day weekend was my breaking point; I was ready to give up…. As a mother, that’s not an option and I know that, but it doesn't make the feelings any less painful.

I don’t know where this was going, but I hope and feel someone is listening.. END RANT

Peace n Love

It's not.. I know

Disclaimer: Tissues may be necessary

This has got to happen. I have to let some of this out. 

It has been 17 days since my mother passed away, but over a month since she was here with me in my house and we actually spoke real words that made sense. 

When mom came to Tennessee, it took me months to convince her that it was for the best and she could NOT live alone. I was fully prepared to take care of her no matter how long it took. I spent every minute I could with her even if we had a fight, I forced it to be over and we moved past it. When she got here, she immediately started doing things. The first month, she cooked, she did laundry, she picked up Mason, she got out of the house (even though I told her not to). All of a sudden that changed...

I made sure that every holiday that she had was perfect. If she wanted a stuffed peacock for Thanksgiving, I was going to make it happen (Turduchen was it). I bought her Christmas presents to put under the tree just like she was my little girl. I fought with the idea that she was looking ill and not seeming to get any better. I think everyone was. 

In January, I lost my job and she felt horrible. I told her over and over that it wasn't her fault, because it wasn't. It was nobodies fault (but that's an entirely different post). I was going to take care of her no matter what, I would find another job at some point. Secretly, she really loved having me home though and to be honest, so did I. 

Then the day came when her cancer returned AGAIN.  That night I heard her crying in hysterics from downstairs, so I ran upstairs thinking that she had a fight with one of my siblings. I flung open the door ready to scream and it was just her and the dog sitting on the bed, I looked at her and just immediately grabbed her and held her rubbing her little head like she was my child...all I could hear her say was "I'm not ready to go Heather, I'm scared." She knew... 

NO! I was not going there, I was being strong positive Heather and that was that. We went to see the specialist the following week and I sat there listening to my mother beg the doctor to fix it. Something in the doctors eye told me this was bad, but he said he had some trials.. Looking back, I wish I had paid attention to that look. 

Mom started a new trial on February 26th..February 27th, she fell....

One little step and down she went, I see it happening over and over in my head. I know it was NOT my fault, but damn it hurts that that is what put her in the hospital and ultimately took her away from us. Just like that, she wasn't hear anymore.She spent her time in the hospital and it is all a blur for me.  All I knew was she wasn't texting me from upstairs to say"goodnight my Gnocchi" or "I can't get this friggin TV to work". My life that I had know for the past year had changed so quickly, I didn't even notice what was happening. 

I just about MADE her come here to be safe, so I could take care of her and ultimately the same thing that could have happened when she was alone, happened with me standing right in front of her..

What if she didn't fall? Would she still be here? Would she be even sicker? Would she be suffering? 

It's not your fault Heather, I know.. Do I? Even if it isn't I can't help but wonder...

Peace n Love...