"Some people say I''m a dreamer..Well, i'm not the only one"

I feel numb. So numb that it is driving me crazy. I want to pinch myself just to feel something. I have nothing to say. I can’t breath. I can barely think straight.

I have music in my ears, close my eyes and I feel for just one moment that I have escaped to my own world. I am in the greatest world I can possibly think of. I have escaped and wish not to be found. I just want to stay here for a while. It is peaceful, it is quiet, and it is whatever I want it to be. All I have to do is close my eyes and breathe.

I grew up with all kinds of music. My parents had every record you could think of whether it was Michael Jackson, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, it was on the radio. We were never blocked out of any types of music. I grew up knowing Fleetwood Mac, CCR, Steppenwolf and Steve Miller Band and I think that is why I choose those bands over a lot of today’s new music.

My favorite memory about growing up and being in school is my walkman! Yea, I said walkman. The greatest day was when I got my first set of headphones that I could fish through my sleeves so that when resting on my wrist in class, I could escape there and still look like I was listening to the teacher. I went through school a lot with headphones in my ears. Actually, a lot of life went on around me with music blaring in my ears. I did it to stay in my own world. It was like it made me feel confident or carefree maybe. I was not worried about what anyone thought. I didn’t care what anyway said, hell I couldn’t hear them anyway.

I think a lot now, about those days and figure; I probably could have gotten into a lot of trouble if it hadn’t been for my music. It seems now; I really want to just listen. I want to hear the words and relate to a lot of them. Today it could be something angry like Disturbed, when yesterday it could have been more peaceful sounds of Stevie Nicks or Enya. Either way, I just want to escape even for just my 30 minute lunch break, or the walk from the parking lot to my office in the mornings, I need that. It is my solace, some people meditate some people do yoga, I just listen and everything seems fine. It honestly helps me feel better.

I agree with Maya Angelou when she said “Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness”. It amazes me that something so common and in everyone’s daily life, could make such a difference in my life at any second of the day, my mood can change with the help of some good tunes.

That is all.

Peace N Love..


“Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it”, John Lennon

What Dreams are Made of...

I had a dream about you the other night.. It is so hard to explain to anyone else. It was amazing. I didn't even wake up sad. I was so happy. The dream itself was, well crazy, as they usually are for me. You asked me how Mason was and said you would visit soon, like you had been to see him before. We talked about everyone.. I caught you up on the latest drama. For the first time EVER, I had a dream about you and we sat down and talked. We never do that, kind of like real life when you were here. We rarely sat down and just talked, it was usually me in trouble for something or there was a recent tragedy.

You sat and listened to me babble on about me and life etc. I cried a little and you told me it would be alright. I miss that. I held your hand and it was rough like it was real. You smelled like a mixture of gasoline and fresh mowed yard, I forgot how I loved that smell. You were wearing your old blue sweatshirt that had the oil stain on it just like my 8th birthday when you and mom had a suprise party and gave me that purple bike with the white basket and the daisies on the front. I am so glad that is the way I remembered you. I could go on describing it. There was some silence, but we just sat together and I was happy. I don't remember all the words, but what I do remember made me so happy.

"Do you know I love you? I love you very much Heather. You can talk to me any time you want. I will listen". Tears rolled down you cheek, you stood up let go of my hand and dissappeared...

I had to share it. I don't care how childish it sounds. I never have dreams this vivid of him. I wish they would happen more often, I wake up feeling like I went to visit him in a way.

No matter how old you get you are still someones baby. I will always call my mother mommy until I can't say it anymore. My good memories outweigh the bad and I have my parents to thank for that.

Peace Love and ZzZzZz

My Scarlet Letter

Before you read further, this may just be for woman, but I think that it would be helpful for a man who is with a woman with similar problems to read it as well.

You may have gone about your life thinking to yourself that pain is normal. Pain with your period is normal yes, but extreme pain before, during and after is NOT. Pain with sex (if you’re that kinda gal *GRIN*) is also normal at times, but extreme pain during and after is NOT.
I wasn’t told that I had endometriosis until I was 20. That was almost 5 years after the pain began. When I started researching it for a college essay, I had no idea that is had been causing pretty much every internal problem I had since I had begun with puberty (i.e. intestinal problems, urinary problems, back problems etc). At the time of my initial diagnosis, the doctor gave me two options; Get pregnant or Have a hysterectomy! WOW! Really? I was only 20, and just getting through college, so you can imagine how neither option was really an OPTION for me. So, I decided to just deal! I went on with it, after all it wasn’t constant. Just about 25 days out of the month, anytime I EVER had intercourse etc. NOT MUCH!
I have been to numerous doctors around the state. Including pelvic pain specialists and doctors that recommended electroshock treatment..Yea, I mean DOWN THERE too! Needless to say I walked out of that office. I have had more procedures than I can really remember, my belly button that was once a cute little one, now looks as if it exploded. I have been on pain pills on and off roughly for almost 10 years now. I have ingested excessive amounts of birth control pills, hormones etc.
At one point I was even told “no babies for you Heather, it probably will never happen”. Well, we all know that turned out to be a different story. From the day I found out I was pregnant, until Mason was about 12 months old, I literally had NO PAIN! None at all, I felt great! But that changed pretty quickly for me.
I began hurting constantly and it was all way too familiar for me to not know what was going on. It had returned, the BIG E! My scarlet letter. I went to my doctor and we discussed my options, as now I was forming cysts and my endometriosis had spread rapidly. Was I ready for a hysterectomy?
I waited over a year to decide and finally, I figured I was just delaying the inevitable it was time to end this and begin a pain free life. I was in a way very excited about it. After all, I really knew only one way of life and that was with the pain.
So, October 2008 I went into surgery one woman and came out someone totally different. I had to wait for 6 months to go on any type of hormones to make sure that the endometriosis was all gone first so I dealt with all the effects of menopause which were not pretty for me, but even scarier for my loved ones since they were the ones that got most of my wrath. Over a year later, for the first time in my life, I really thought that I was in control of my body. I had no pain, no hot flashes, no night sweats, NO PAIN! NONE! I felt great. Was that it? Was it over?
Not by a long shot Heather!
The happiness did not last very long for me. Pain returned a few months ago. I never even gave endometriosis another thought, after all that is why I had all my girly organs removed to get rid of it. Over the past two months, I went to over 5 doctors and had man different diagnoses. I was finally sent to a surgeon with the prognosis of a hernia. Okay great surgery again! The surgeon sat down and talked with me and we began talking about my history of endometriosis. I laughed at him, because I just figured he hadn’t read my chart clearly. I had a hysterectomy, there is no way it can be that. Since, nothing showed up on any scans (including the so-called hernia), the next step was a laparoscopy to check things out.
Long story short, there is no cure for it people. Estrogen is the Miracle Grow for endometriosis. That is the only thought I have. It came back! I have been home since Friday recovering from my surgery and while I am happy that they found out the answer for my recent pain, I am so angry that it is what it is. I now have to stop taking my hormones and go back to the zombie that is me in menopause, and I am scared. I am so scared to have to go back to that.
I just had to tell someone. I wanted to do this, so that men and woman together understand how common it is to have Endometriosis. Many woman don’t realize it until it is too late. Some catch it early. But now matter when you catch it, just know that it will be there for good. There is no cure, especially if you are on hormones, which I cannot imagine life without them. Sadly, now I have to deal without for a while, but that is my scarlet letter. The BIG E! I am not complaining, I am just tired. I am tired of it always being there. But life does go on with or without hormones, with or without pain. It goes on. After all, I made it this far with it.. What is the rest of my life?
That is all. I hope this at least helps someone understand. Pain is not normal! And for Men.. Just be supportive, she can’t help it.. Really.

Peace n love..

4th of July Vent

I am having a hard time getting motivated at all lately. Today is the 4th and I have been home all day attempting to rest off this "summer cold" I was blessed with this past week. Something about muggy hot weather just makes a cold that much worse. So the day is just about over and it is now coming up on fireworks time. My boys are on their way home from visiting and I am being expected to actually leave the house to go watch fireworks, and to tell you the truth I don't want to leave the house. I just want to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved fireworks. My all time favorite is sparklers. I am not sure why, I think it is because I ALWAYS remember sparklers as a child. Not those little sparklers though, the long ones that have the pink stick, they last alot longer. Those were the only ones my dad would let us play with while he lit off the ones that we could possibly blow our hands off with. I want Mason to have the same memories of the fourth of July. I want him to write his name in the air with it and watch the letters slowly disappear.

I guess I am just venting today. I really don't have a point that I am trying to reach. I just wanted to let it out that I am trying to feel better, even though I am pretty sure everyone believes otherwise. That is the great thing about my blog.. I can say what I want and I don't have to wait for a reply or anything. It's like my shrink that I don't pay. I am going to drink some caffeine and get a bit of motivation I think. I don't want to disappoint my baby today. I am going to take pictures of some fireworks and my sons face when he hears the big booms and cracks.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL 2010..!

Peace Love and TheraFlu..

RAMBLE RAMBLE

Just one of those days where I want to say what is on my mind. There is really so much in my head that it is hard to put it words. All last week, I attempted to start writing. I started something about my dad for Father's day, then I started one for my husband for Father's day. Never finished them. I feel like I am getting back into my old habits again, of not writing down what I am feeling. I was doing really well with it in the beginning.

I feel numb today. Numb in my mind with pain elsewhere. I want to cry but laugh instead. I want to talk about it but tend to scream. The fear of the unknown, I believe is getting to me. Not knowing is the hardest part. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring is just a part of life and I understand that, but I can't shut off my mind from thinking about it.

There is one thing I HAVE actually been doing and that is reading. I have been reading my book every chance I get and it is really making things seem so clear to me these days. It makes me sit back and realize who I am, this late in the game. Is it late, or is it just in time? Why not start fresh in a new decade? Why not? I will. That is my plan. If I can just get my mind through this week and be put at ease. If...

So, my husband called me on my attitude this weekend. I have been kind of well, bitchy for lack of a better term since I have been having these whatever problems, I hve been having. I always know when he is over it, because he gets this look on his face and he waits until he just can't take anymore. I don't blame him! I can't believe he waited this long without saying anything. I immediately apologized for my behavior, and he immediately said he understood. I try.. I really do.. Maybe I need to try harder. Maybe. I love him so....I will just apologize again next time..

THAT'S ALL.. THANKS FOR READING.

PEACE LOVE AND I HATE MY HAIR!

Hypochondrianxiety

My whole life I have always been a “worry wart”. My parents always told me this. My mom actually started calling me “hypo Heather”, which I always just kind of brushed off as funny. Well, come 2003 after daddy died and mom got diagnosed, she thought I was “hypo heather” then? Well, look out! Every little swollen gland when I’m sick, every ache, in my head is CANCER! I always just thought that a hypochondriac was just someone who always THOUGHT they were sick, but the definition takes it to a whole other level, sadly my level. I have never actually looked up what a Hypochondriac was until today:

Hypochondriac: A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health.

The hypochondrium is the anatomic area of the upper abdomen just below (Greek "hypo" meaning "below") the cartilage (Greek "chondros" meaning "cartilage") of the ribs. Hypochondriasis was thought by the ancients to be due to disturbed function of the spleen and other organs in the upper abdomen.

Right. So, there you have it! That is me in a nutshell. I drive myself totally crazy. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had my share of legitimate problems, BUT all tests have always come back normal and I keep thinking “what if they missed something”! I am trying my damndest to get these crazy thoughts out of my head. So that is the explanation for half of my brain working the way it does...

The other half is ANXIETY! We all have it from time to time. Mine kicks in normally at night when it is quiet and I can’t fall asleep. “Oh my gosh, James said he was on his way home, it normal takes him 20 minutes... it has been 25 what if he is dead on the side of the road and no one sees him”. Morbid right? A normal person might think he must be stuck in traffic, or a jealous wife would think, that bastard is running around on me. NOT THIS GAL! Nope. HE DEAD! Automatic thought... CREEPY! So there are drugs for that and yes they do help most of the time. But I am beginning to feel certifiably crazy these days.

I have made a decision over the past month to throw myself into things. First, to take care of my wandering mind, with a book on Buddhism this was very peaceful and interesting but SLOW. Then my sister in law told me about another book, that I immediately read a sample of and said “wow that is totally me”, it is called Codependent No more and it speaks to me and makes so much sense. I need to take care of me and what’s mine and stop worrying about everything else that I have NO control over. So I have that going for me. Now onto the other half of my plan, my body. So I have decided (now don’t laugh) to take on Roller Derby. I will let you digest that for a second.

There are two things, I have always been good at in my life; skating and getting hit! It’s true. I took martial arts for 10 years or so and even though I hated every second of it. When I got in the ring to spar, I just enjoyed getting hit rather than hitting back. My dad used to scream at me from the side lines “you have to hit back!!” Now, don’t get me wrong, there is danger in the Derby, but that is not even the part that scares me. What scares me is failing at yet another “thing” in my life. I think that FINALLY I have found something that could make me so happy and fit while, doing what I have always loved at the same time, incorporating some things I learned from my dad’s pushy behavior.

So there you have it. It has been a while since I have blogged, because I have had so many things going through my head that it is too chaotic to put down in words. I am ready to start a new on June 28, 2010, my 30th birthday I will become, Heather Hodge; the less worrying, physically and mentally fit mama and wife. That is all!

Peace, Love, and the occasional black eye.

NEW KNOWLEDGE

I feel like I am ignoring you my sweet blog that listens to me and doesn't talk back or judge!! I have had alot going on both in and outside my head. My book finally came in the mail yesterday and I have already started reading it. It is called "Letting Go of the Person You Used To Be; Lessons on change, loss and spiritual transformation". It is written by Lama Surya Das who is a Buddhist. I am very intrigued by this book and will keep you informed. For today, I will just share what I have absorbed so far.

Das says: "Face your difficulties realistically, rather than withdrawing from them, and riches can be yours. When faced with pain and misfortune, simply stop and center yourself in the present moment, here and now; take a deep breath, sit down and concentrate; pray; or try to laugh, one way or another. Laugh the cosmic laugh, lighten up and be en-lightened".

This is something I need to learn. I need to stop living in my pain or sadness. I have to live in the NOW as they say. I have actually had to take a few deep breaths today and it really has helped. I will learn to build myself into the woman I know I can be.

and one more quote...

"When the heart grieves for what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what is left".
Sufis

That is so true..HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL..BE SAFE!

PEACE N LOVE..