Hope is all I have

I have been attempting to start writing since Christmas, with no luck. I have so many things going on inside my head; I don't even know where to start. I guess since, it is a new year; I can begin with HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Since I gave up resolutions years ago, I really don’t have any to speak of. In my mind it is just a means for me to fail. (yea that’s my positive attitude)

I cry a little bit every New Year’s Eve because I know that this is another chance to start over. Even though I have 365 days to start over, it is very overwhelming for me. Every time a new year begins, I realize how I am not doing the things I always thought I would be doing by the time I hit 30. There are so many things I want to do and every year, I say this year will be my year and BAM 365 days later, i'm saying it again with nothing to show for it. It gets very frustrating. So instead of making a resolution, I will make a few HOPES for 2011.

For starters all I can hope for in 2011 is that perhaps it is better than 2010. Maybe some of my hopes will come true. Even if it’s just one that would be good enough for me. I hope Mason gets to start Kindergarten at a good school and he does well with the transition. I hope I do well with the transition. I hope my husband has a less stressful year and is able to enjoy things a little more and relax. I hope that I can get my health issues in check.

I hope that my Mimi gets a clean bill of health and her BIG C goes away quickly and she recovers well from it, because as selfish as this sounds, I don't know what I would do without her. I hope my mom's BIG C stays on the plateau it is on and she stays healthy, because again as selfish as this one sounds I do need my mommy. I hope my father in laws BIG C gets better and he has a great year and my mother in law stays healthy to take care of him.

I hope my newly married big sister has a wonderful first year of marriage with her new complete family. I hope my baby sister makes the right decision for her future and starts her life over the right way for the better and keeps herself on that road to her children. I hope she enters the real world again with lessons learned as a new woman with new priorities.

Most of all, I really hope that this year I can finally practice what I preach and realize that I am not responsible for anyone else but myself and my family. I am nobody else’s keeper. I need to finish my “Co-Dependent No More” book and accept the fact that I CANNOT fix everyone and it is not my fault if someone goes down the wrong road. I can’t control anyone. I will be a new Heather, that takes care of her boys and doesn’t feel the need to pick up the pieces of those who become broken by their own faults. I have my own pieces to tend to, thank you very much and I am wore out from that. I have been tending to other’s “pieces” for over 15 years and I just can’t do it anymore.

The love I have is all I can give, and to me, that is the most important.

Finally, I really hope that I can find something new in my life to enjoy in 2011, whether it is something for my whole family or just for me. I need NEWNESS!!

Lots of Peace & Love in 2011!

"To the Faithful Departed"

When the mood strikes, I feel the need to write. This is the only outlet I have, where I know I can say what is on my mind and SOMEONE out there is listening. I may not know their name or where they live, but they are out there and they are reading this with an open mind. I don’t like to burden anyone with my feelings or depressed states. I am the one who everyone wants to talk to and I intend to keep it that way. With that, this session has begun:

Death is inevitable and I know that now. I remember the very first time I realized that. I think I was around 16 or 17 and my great grandma (Granny) had died. It was my very first trip to a cemetery and a funeral. I remember the small plot in the ground for her urn to be buried. I had never seen an urn before. I couldn't believe that was all that was left of her. I saw my grandpa cry at the end and knew that death was real. I remember that is when I wrote my very first real poem. And so it began…

I remember every funeral I have been to since then. I remember every person that was buried. I remember how I felt and every time I remember that each funeral made me think of all the funerals I had been to in the past. Death makes me think of nothing but good about the person that passed and that even though it is a sad moment, there are more happy moments to make their passing less painful. Then death hit even closer to home, it actually hit my home.

I remember I had found out that my father had cancer the day that I was going to a funeral for a dear friend’s father. I felt like such an ass, because all I could think of when I got there was that my dad could be in that casket… Sadly, less than a year later my father was in that same room, at the same funeral parlor, in a similar casket. Talk about irony. I began losing my faith in whatever it was I believed in. I believed that bad people should be stricken with bad diseases and I though that for a long time.

My grandmother passed away yesterday. Sadly, we were not as close as we all should have been, but that does not mean I have ever loved her any less. I have many fond memories of her. The way she taught me how to knit and wouldn’t give up until I did it right (I know where daddy got it from). Her “tough love” attitude that sometimes scared me but made us kids mind her. The way she took care of me when I was sick when my parents were out of town. She would always comment on my hair and how she loved it long. I guess the point I am making is miles in between family shouldn’t mean anything. Love and happy memories can go on for a lifetime, and that will keep her in my heart forever.

With my grandmother’s passing, it has brought something to my mind however, that makes me so sad. I feel that now everything that was my father has now gone away. The people that brought him into this world are now gone and all that is left of him, well, is my sisters and I. I am hoping that since they are all up their together, they can all be forced to get along and be happy together. It’s like it is official, as childish as this sounds. All of him is gone and that just hurts.

I am sad, but I am also, so very thankful that I have my mother. My aunts and uncles are grown adults but they are still grandma’s babies. It pains me just to know that anyone has lost their mother. Words could not describe what it would do to me if I lost mine. Cancer has taken enough of her, but to lose her entirely would be something I don’t know that I could handle. I don’t know what it feels like, and I don’t ever want to feel it. Losing a mother would be losing a part of you. She carried you around and kept you healthy and alive inside herself for 9 months. Then she brings you out into the world and protects you as long as she can. I am so grateful that I have my mother still.

Watching people die makes you sad, but you should still be grateful for what you have in your life…I am grateful for: James, Mason, Mom, Mimi, Jon, Tara, Kerri,Steven, all Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, nephews, best friends and to be alive..

Peace, Love and FAMILY

Jagged Little Pills

Headache.. pop a pill, back hurts.. pop a pill, can't sleep.. pop a pill, blood pressure too low.. pop a pill, blood pressure not low enough.. pop a pill, side effects from one pill.. pop a pill, side effects from that pill.. pop a pill.
See where i'm going with this? My world has been run by pills, and not the fun make you feel all warm and free inside pills. PILLS! Over the counter pills, prescription pills, a vitamin for this a vitamin for that.

I have come to a conclusion: I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE! Now don't get me wrong, there are some that I nor my family can live with out such as my anxiety medicine. That does help and I just can't relax my mind long enough to convince myself I don't need them. For those of you that know me, you probably know what's coming next.

I recently entered the world of acupuncture. Yea little tiny needles placed in areas that are called accupoints to help with certain health problems such as sinus headaches, migraines, aches and pains etc. I was always worried about the price, and the feeling of little needles being put into my skin, but honestly if you find the right place it is easier on the wallet than you think and you hardly feel the needles. I have only been twice so far, but I have not had a migraine or needed to take a migraine pill in two weeks. Which is a big deal for me. I think that this will be my new addiction. If I have to have one, I would prefer it to be something that is not a chemical dependency and that actually HELPS! So for right now acupuncture it is. If you are having problems with anything and you have an open mind, consult your local acupuncturist.


That is all for this one.

Peace & love

"Some people say I''m a dreamer..Well, i'm not the only one"

I feel numb. So numb that it is driving me crazy. I want to pinch myself just to feel something. I have nothing to say. I can’t breath. I can barely think straight.

I have music in my ears, close my eyes and I feel for just one moment that I have escaped to my own world. I am in the greatest world I can possibly think of. I have escaped and wish not to be found. I just want to stay here for a while. It is peaceful, it is quiet, and it is whatever I want it to be. All I have to do is close my eyes and breathe.

I grew up with all kinds of music. My parents had every record you could think of whether it was Michael Jackson, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, it was on the radio. We were never blocked out of any types of music. I grew up knowing Fleetwood Mac, CCR, Steppenwolf and Steve Miller Band and I think that is why I choose those bands over a lot of today’s new music.

My favorite memory about growing up and being in school is my walkman! Yea, I said walkman. The greatest day was when I got my first set of headphones that I could fish through my sleeves so that when resting on my wrist in class, I could escape there and still look like I was listening to the teacher. I went through school a lot with headphones in my ears. Actually, a lot of life went on around me with music blaring in my ears. I did it to stay in my own world. It was like it made me feel confident or carefree maybe. I was not worried about what anyone thought. I didn’t care what anyway said, hell I couldn’t hear them anyway.

I think a lot now, about those days and figure; I probably could have gotten into a lot of trouble if it hadn’t been for my music. It seems now; I really want to just listen. I want to hear the words and relate to a lot of them. Today it could be something angry like Disturbed, when yesterday it could have been more peaceful sounds of Stevie Nicks or Enya. Either way, I just want to escape even for just my 30 minute lunch break, or the walk from the parking lot to my office in the mornings, I need that. It is my solace, some people meditate some people do yoga, I just listen and everything seems fine. It honestly helps me feel better.

I agree with Maya Angelou when she said “Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness”. It amazes me that something so common and in everyone’s daily life, could make such a difference in my life at any second of the day, my mood can change with the help of some good tunes.

That is all.

Peace N Love..


“Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it”, John Lennon

What Dreams are Made of...

I had a dream about you the other night.. It is so hard to explain to anyone else. It was amazing. I didn't even wake up sad. I was so happy. The dream itself was, well crazy, as they usually are for me. You asked me how Mason was and said you would visit soon, like you had been to see him before. We talked about everyone.. I caught you up on the latest drama. For the first time EVER, I had a dream about you and we sat down and talked. We never do that, kind of like real life when you were here. We rarely sat down and just talked, it was usually me in trouble for something or there was a recent tragedy.

You sat and listened to me babble on about me and life etc. I cried a little and you told me it would be alright. I miss that. I held your hand and it was rough like it was real. You smelled like a mixture of gasoline and fresh mowed yard, I forgot how I loved that smell. You were wearing your old blue sweatshirt that had the oil stain on it just like my 8th birthday when you and mom had a suprise party and gave me that purple bike with the white basket and the daisies on the front. I am so glad that is the way I remembered you. I could go on describing it. There was some silence, but we just sat together and I was happy. I don't remember all the words, but what I do remember made me so happy.

"Do you know I love you? I love you very much Heather. You can talk to me any time you want. I will listen". Tears rolled down you cheek, you stood up let go of my hand and dissappeared...

I had to share it. I don't care how childish it sounds. I never have dreams this vivid of him. I wish they would happen more often, I wake up feeling like I went to visit him in a way.

No matter how old you get you are still someones baby. I will always call my mother mommy until I can't say it anymore. My good memories outweigh the bad and I have my parents to thank for that.

Peace Love and ZzZzZz

My Scarlet Letter

Before you read further, this may just be for woman, but I think that it would be helpful for a man who is with a woman with similar problems to read it as well.

You may have gone about your life thinking to yourself that pain is normal. Pain with your period is normal yes, but extreme pain before, during and after is NOT. Pain with sex (if you’re that kinda gal *GRIN*) is also normal at times, but extreme pain during and after is NOT.
I wasn’t told that I had endometriosis until I was 20. That was almost 5 years after the pain began. When I started researching it for a college essay, I had no idea that is had been causing pretty much every internal problem I had since I had begun with puberty (i.e. intestinal problems, urinary problems, back problems etc). At the time of my initial diagnosis, the doctor gave me two options; Get pregnant or Have a hysterectomy! WOW! Really? I was only 20, and just getting through college, so you can imagine how neither option was really an OPTION for me. So, I decided to just deal! I went on with it, after all it wasn’t constant. Just about 25 days out of the month, anytime I EVER had intercourse etc. NOT MUCH!
I have been to numerous doctors around the state. Including pelvic pain specialists and doctors that recommended electroshock treatment..Yea, I mean DOWN THERE too! Needless to say I walked out of that office. I have had more procedures than I can really remember, my belly button that was once a cute little one, now looks as if it exploded. I have been on pain pills on and off roughly for almost 10 years now. I have ingested excessive amounts of birth control pills, hormones etc.
At one point I was even told “no babies for you Heather, it probably will never happen”. Well, we all know that turned out to be a different story. From the day I found out I was pregnant, until Mason was about 12 months old, I literally had NO PAIN! None at all, I felt great! But that changed pretty quickly for me.
I began hurting constantly and it was all way too familiar for me to not know what was going on. It had returned, the BIG E! My scarlet letter. I went to my doctor and we discussed my options, as now I was forming cysts and my endometriosis had spread rapidly. Was I ready for a hysterectomy?
I waited over a year to decide and finally, I figured I was just delaying the inevitable it was time to end this and begin a pain free life. I was in a way very excited about it. After all, I really knew only one way of life and that was with the pain.
So, October 2008 I went into surgery one woman and came out someone totally different. I had to wait for 6 months to go on any type of hormones to make sure that the endometriosis was all gone first so I dealt with all the effects of menopause which were not pretty for me, but even scarier for my loved ones since they were the ones that got most of my wrath. Over a year later, for the first time in my life, I really thought that I was in control of my body. I had no pain, no hot flashes, no night sweats, NO PAIN! NONE! I felt great. Was that it? Was it over?
Not by a long shot Heather!
The happiness did not last very long for me. Pain returned a few months ago. I never even gave endometriosis another thought, after all that is why I had all my girly organs removed to get rid of it. Over the past two months, I went to over 5 doctors and had man different diagnoses. I was finally sent to a surgeon with the prognosis of a hernia. Okay great surgery again! The surgeon sat down and talked with me and we began talking about my history of endometriosis. I laughed at him, because I just figured he hadn’t read my chart clearly. I had a hysterectomy, there is no way it can be that. Since, nothing showed up on any scans (including the so-called hernia), the next step was a laparoscopy to check things out.
Long story short, there is no cure for it people. Estrogen is the Miracle Grow for endometriosis. That is the only thought I have. It came back! I have been home since Friday recovering from my surgery and while I am happy that they found out the answer for my recent pain, I am so angry that it is what it is. I now have to stop taking my hormones and go back to the zombie that is me in menopause, and I am scared. I am so scared to have to go back to that.
I just had to tell someone. I wanted to do this, so that men and woman together understand how common it is to have Endometriosis. Many woman don’t realize it until it is too late. Some catch it early. But now matter when you catch it, just know that it will be there for good. There is no cure, especially if you are on hormones, which I cannot imagine life without them. Sadly, now I have to deal without for a while, but that is my scarlet letter. The BIG E! I am not complaining, I am just tired. I am tired of it always being there. But life does go on with or without hormones, with or without pain. It goes on. After all, I made it this far with it.. What is the rest of my life?
That is all. I hope this at least helps someone understand. Pain is not normal! And for Men.. Just be supportive, she can’t help it.. Really.

Peace n love..

4th of July Vent

I am having a hard time getting motivated at all lately. Today is the 4th and I have been home all day attempting to rest off this "summer cold" I was blessed with this past week. Something about muggy hot weather just makes a cold that much worse. So the day is just about over and it is now coming up on fireworks time. My boys are on their way home from visiting and I am being expected to actually leave the house to go watch fireworks, and to tell you the truth I don't want to leave the house. I just want to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved fireworks. My all time favorite is sparklers. I am not sure why, I think it is because I ALWAYS remember sparklers as a child. Not those little sparklers though, the long ones that have the pink stick, they last alot longer. Those were the only ones my dad would let us play with while he lit off the ones that we could possibly blow our hands off with. I want Mason to have the same memories of the fourth of July. I want him to write his name in the air with it and watch the letters slowly disappear.

I guess I am just venting today. I really don't have a point that I am trying to reach. I just wanted to let it out that I am trying to feel better, even though I am pretty sure everyone believes otherwise. That is the great thing about my blog.. I can say what I want and I don't have to wait for a reply or anything. It's like my shrink that I don't pay. I am going to drink some caffeine and get a bit of motivation I think. I don't want to disappoint my baby today. I am going to take pictures of some fireworks and my sons face when he hears the big booms and cracks.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL 2010..!

Peace Love and TheraFlu..