We can all be a little dark!

You know, I have gone my whole life trying to make sure that I NEVER hurt anyones feelings even if it meant that it would hurt me first. I have never in my life wanted to watch someone else cry in pain. In fact, just the sight of someone else crying kills me, I just cannot handle it. Call me a softy, no backbone, whatever, I am a freaking human being! I love everyone. I love people who DO NOT love me back and it does'nt matter to me. I get my feelings hurt so easily it's not even funny, honestly it's sad. I try to make others love me, or even like me for that matter. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Surprisingly, the people that I think would love me more easily DON'T! So screw'em yea I said that SCREW YOU!! You don't want anything to do with me because of your childhood hang-ups guess what FINE! You are grown, I am grown. I'm tired of trying to force the impossible! For ONCE I am going to say what is on my mind and I am not going to worry about what it does to someone else, because Lord knows you don't give a rats ass what you are saying and if it's going to hurt me. It takes alot to make me mad. I get pissed just like the next person, but I try to make peace first. It takes ALOT to bring me to the point of crazyness. Which brings me to what has happened inside me today.

I thought that it was the greatest thing when I found someone who in my mind was a long lost part of my heart. I had these childish dreams that we would all become close and life would be different because that "hole" in my heart was filled. I was wrong, I honestly believe that I should have left well enough alone. It is not my part to force things in life. We share a dad and I guess, that is all we share.. Or sperm-donor, or dead beat, of piece of shit! Whatever the hell you want to call him. I was not around when your heartbreak happened and if I had been, I would have tried my hardest to help that from happening. So don't punish me because he was my father too. Don't punish be because you want to blame everything that went wrong in your life on him. I am sorry he did what he did, but I have no reason to be punished. He suffered and he died! I bet a part of you is happy that is the way he died. After what you said today, alot of me believes that is your thought.

I was angry with him, when I first spoke with you and I still am, but you have no right to talk about him like you did. NO RIGHT! You will meet your maker one day and regardless of what you do in life, if you don't change your ways you will ALWAYS be asking why! I tried! I tried so damn hard to make you be a part of things. I gave you space. I gave you time. I worried about you. If you had any care, you would not have said the things you said about the only man that I ever trusted before my husband. If you were the person I had hoped to God you were going to be, you would not have disrespected the man that I watched die of cancer. No, if you were you would let him rest in piece and be the grown man I had hoped you were.

He was my father and he took care of me and I will be damned if you will talk about him in the manner that you have! Beat him bloody!? You just walked away for ever! It's too late. Everyone says things that they don't mean, but they fix it themselves. I will not reach out anymore. Things are going to change in my heart! The door has just slammed on your hand! You make your descisions and then ask "WHY"!

Anger and hurt

(Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone. It's MY therapy afterall, it really doesn't have to!)

Blood or water, it doesn't matter

I honestly have no idea where I am going to go with this blog today. There is a lot on my mind and I really need to get it down and out before it drives me completely insane. It may not make sense to anyone, but me so if you get confused just know you are probably not the only one. I will start with this:

Codependency as defined by the dictionary is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.

Now, that being said here is my explanation of why I have chosen to blog about that evil word again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since my baby sister (I will always refer to her as such) is going to be coming to live with me. A lot of the thinking is like strange childish stuff, like just not having the relationship with my sisters that I should have always had. Growing up we had no choice but to be close because we all lived in the same house, but as we all got older, things just moved around and so did our lives. I feel like I work overtime trying so hard to get the love back that I missed growing up with them. Whether I am a co-dependent person or not it still hurts to not have that. In a way, I feel like taking care of them now, might help me achieve it.

I feel like I am finally figuring things out with my “caregiver” ways. I by no means had a bad childhood either, so don’t get the wrong idea here. However, there was a lot of tension growing up. Whether someone was getting in trouble for doing the wrong things or what, there just felt like there was always tension. My dad was not the easiest man to get along with and he really was not the hugs and kisses type of daddy either. He was only that way the last few years of his life, when he (I think) realized that things just were not perfect with his children and he wanted to make it better. Although he was successful (in my eyes) in showing as much love as he could, I think it was too late. To put it bluntly, we were already screwed up and way beyond fixing. Now that we are grown, I think it has been the realization of all that it may be time to attempt to figure things out and fix ourselves, some more than others.

I have wanted my relationship so badly from my sisters that I feel like I have been interviewing friends all the time. At one point I honestly thought that I was becoming interested in women (not that it is a bad thing, just not my thing), but then I realized that I was just trying to find someone to love, care and worry for me like a sister should. I rarely have a good relationship with a girl because of my crazy obsession with this. I end up trying to take care of them or telling them what to do or something overbearing that I have no place doing, which in the end just embarrasses me. I have never been able to get along with many girls either. I mean, yes I am a girl but most other girls annoy me with their pink and pretty girly ways. Don’t get me wrong, I like girly things too, but I just can’t relate to that kind of stuff. I don’t do my hair, I rarely do my nails, and I prefer long boy shorts and sneakers over skirts and heels.

Now that I am a grown woman, I keep telling myself I need to move on and let things go, but I just can’t. I play the go between with my sisters and somehow that makes me feel good, because I am constantly trying to FIX their relationships while harboring my own. I can’t stand it when they are mad at me, no matter what I say to the contrary. I would never say anything, that would make them sad or hurt their feelings. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.

Now that I will have my sister living with me, I guess I am just hoping that for once, maybe we can have a relationship that I have wanted for so long. A relationship that we should have always had. We are grown women, why can’t we just be grown women sisters that love each other no matter what stupid mistakes we HAVE made and move on. After all blood, water it really doesn't matter, love is love is love..

Not sure if that was a successful blog or not, but this session has ended. Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and another blog about sisters.

Is worry really a Sin?

So The Scream by Edvard Munch has always been my favorite painting. I am not sure that it is because I always feel stressed or not, but I have always loved it. When I was in high school I had this little blow up scream guy that I would keep in my room and I really would use it to hit things when I was upset or felt the need to scream but didn't want to get yelled at for being so loud inside the house. I am really not sure what happened to that thing, but I really miss it. With that, here goes my next rant:


Is worry really a sin? If so man am I in trouble. My nerves are kicking my ass right now. I know there are a few things that are probably making my nerves react this way and I am not blaming anyone, because this is my own fault really. I have always been the person that gets involved in everyone’s problems, especially family. I love my family sometimes so much I just cannot control myself and have to insist on trying to help them. CODEPENDENT MUCH? Yea, needless to say my book has taken and backseat and I have to admit, I know I am this way, but no book is going to be able to stop me. I want to save the world and everyone in it, but when it comes to my family I jump in without even looking.

Thank GOD for the wonderful husband that I have, because he knows me all too well and wants to help me along the way. It really is no good to have two codependents in a household, especially when one of them (me) is thick headed. He loves me and in turn he loves my family just as much as I do, and I feel the same way about his family. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. After all we vowed to spend forever together and it would really suck to hate each others families.

There comes a time in life (well mine at least) where you start questioning everything that exists. As soon as one thing goes wrong in my life, I immediately try and figure out why it has gone wrong and then I proceed to try and fix it. As soon as one thing gets fixed, something else breaks and so on and so on. You get the picture right?

I care, for just about everyone and everything. Sometimes I wish I was heartless, but that just wouldn’t be me. I was that kid that tried to save the baby bird and nurse it back to life after it fell out of the tree. I am now the adult that skims Craigslist to see if I can help anyone find their lost pet. If you need something and I don’t need it, I would give it to you. If you needed an organ and I had a healthy enough one to spare, I would totally give it to you. I am seriously that kind of person.

For once I would love to wake up one morning and (excuse the language) not give a shit about anything. I have tried and I will be damned if that just adds more to worry about. My parents have always labeled me as the “worry wart” of the family, but it really has not come clear to me until the past few years of my life. I guess I’m trying to make it look okay that I am the way I am. I have been this way my whole life and I am thinking it is probably too late to change now, even if I wanted to.

Well, thanks for reading, that is all for now.

Peace Love and Love..

What for what?

I know that everyone is angry about the Casey Anthony verdict. I have read a few blogs speaking about Caylee and how there has not been justice for her and I DO agree with that. Instead of doing my usual tearful blog, I am not going to talk about Caylee yet, even though I am sure I will have something along that topic soon enough. I just wanted to do a little comparison to try and put this whole thing into perspective for both myself and others.

I will start with saying I believe she is GUILTY AS SIN, but sadly my opinion does not matter and neither does yours anymore. She will be set free and she could honestly go live on TV and say “yea I did do it haha” and NOBODY can do anything about it. The fact of the matter is that this is the justice system that we all live within and respect (most of us). I went to school majoring in Psychology and Criminal Justice and learned all about the ins and outs of this system. Sadly even though I wanted to believe that the jury would find her guilty, I knew they could not convict her.

Though we all feel that our justice system has failed, and we all pretty much KNOW that all signs point to her guilt, our justice system has freed a lot of people that were wrongly accused, back before DNA and all scientific stuff starting coming into play. There have been many people that have actually been wrongfully convicted for crimes and have spent half or more of their lives behind bars away from their families and the outside world. The sad thing is a lot of them are still behind bars.

My younger sister had never been in trouble in her life, got a little out of hand and got arrested for the first time. The first time! She got the full sentence and spent the last 3 years of her life behind bars. Now am I saying I think the system failed her? No, I think her life was saved because of it. She was punished for what she had done and will be working her ass off to rebuild and rekindle what has been lost from her life. There are rapists, child molesters and even still murderers walking our streets because of our justice systems flaws. It makes me angry, but the only thing I can keep telling myself is that we also have a lot of people that have gotten their lives back because of exoneration and evidence and good juries that follow the rules.

That jury had a very hard job. They have not failed us or Caylee Marie Anthony. They did the job that they were told to do, to the best of their ability with the evidence that was provided and yes she will go free. Many people dropped the ball in this case; witnesses and attorneys alike but it’s too late. All we can hope for now is that in some way or another the guilty pay and the not guilty are set free. Sadly in this case it was the opposite.

That is my rant for the day.

Peace, Love and May she be haunted daily and lose sleep over what she did

"Every little thing.. Is gonna be alright."

So, I recently turned 31 which for some reason seems harder to me than 30 did and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because my son is about to start KINDERGARTEN, or maybe it is just because it is one year older than last year, who knows. This year my birthday felt special in a different way. I wanted to cry alot and I felt very emotional during my weekend in Florida. I just watched Mason run along the beach without a care in the world and paid attention to every single detail of that weekend. I feel very lucky that I was able to make the trip on my own. Me and my little boy had some alone time in the car, that I will remember forever!

Perhaps this year felt special to me because for the first time in many years, I spent my birthday with my baby sister. She has been missing from my life all too long and I was very worried about her coming back into it. I have worked very hard at trying to distance myself from other people's lives so that I don't get too emotionally involved in something that I have no business being a part of and so far, I have been pretty successful at it. Until, my sister is involved (either one) that is when I find myself struggling to stay in my own realm. I have blogged about my need to care for everyone before, so I won't bore you with it again. Side note: I still haven't finished that damn book! But when I feel weak, I do take it out and begin where I left off and to me that does help ALOT.

I expected so much when seeing her. First and foremost I expected her to be some totally changed thug-like woman and she wasn't. Aside from some new vocabulary she had taken on, she was the same girl I missed, attitude and all. I stayed with her all weekend, taking her out to dinner, walking on the beach and even putting some loud ass make-up on my face (sorry). I enjoyed every minute of it, but when the time came for me to say goodbye I was worried with that same kind of worried I had years ago. I was just worried as I always am about my sisters and I had to tell myself that she can handle it, she has to and it isn't my place to try and handle it for her.

She finally got to visit with her babies this weekend and just hearing the happiness in her voice made me feel like that is what she needed to seal her deal of “Starting Anew” and to stay on the right track. She is with them where she belongs, even if it is just for a visit for now. She knows what she has to do to make it 100%. I have received so many texts from her and each one ends with "love you so much" and I believe her. Finally I took a breath and I feel like things just might be okay for a while, for once.

In closing for today, even though now that I have both my sisters in my life again, my stress and nerve level may go up, I feel like they are BOTH changing into the women that they deserve to be and their kids need them to be and perhaps I can finally let them fly from their "mama" sister nest and I won't have to worry much anymore (like that will stop me).

I love you both very much....

Peace, Love and Family (not matter how crazy it may be)

Puppy love never fades

I could go on for days talking about my beloved Zack, but for now I will start with this.. Thank you for readin in advanced and I'm sorry if there are tears..

I am trying not to cry anymore, because I know how uncomfortable that made him. He would always try to get as close to my face as possible, as if to try and figure out where the water was coming from. I feel in a way that he ran away and I am just waiting for someone to return him home. It seems childlike to talk this way, but there is just something missing from my life now that nothing can replace.

From the day I brought him home, I knew we would be together always, nothing could separate us. He slept in my bed every night. He watched TV with me. He would lay at my feet when I would be up late studying. He went to college a few times. He let me know when he DID NOT like a guy I would bring home, and a lot of the time I listened to him. He helped me find the funny in everything, including messes that he made on the floor and holes he would dig in the yard. He was literally my little black shadow. He always wanted to protect me no matter how big the enemy was. He traveled the United States with the only other man he would allow in my life and loved every minute of it. I am pretty sure he ate rat poisoning along with all kinds of garbage and things I am not even sure of. Nothing got him down.

I learned how to splice many wires to perfection because he chewed up just about every vacuum cord he could get is little jaws on. He never listened all that well. He loved to venture to unknown territory even if it pissed me off. I looked all night in the rain to find him four houses down the road just sniffing around. He was wild and crazy for many years, but always slept in the same spot at night (balled up in the small of my back). He was not too happy when I brought the baby human home, but he loved and protected him always.

As years passed, Zack got older and it started to show. The jumping on and off the bed and furniture was taking a toll on him and I could tell. He didn’t want to play all that much, but there always would be a night that he would find his favorite toy (little Caesar’s pizza man) that he has had since day 1 and would toss it up on the couch to play fetch. The only toy he never destroyed, it was kind of like his teddy bear. His 5-10 rounds of fetch had now turned into about 2 or 3, but it made me happy to see him enjoying himself even if it was only a few times here and there. He tired out a lot quicker and wanted to sleep and be alone a lot more.

Zack made me a dog person. He was the hardest dog to train. He was the most spiteful dog I had ever met. He hated to be ignored and not the center of attention. The only dog I have met that (when annoyed with mommy) took every single toy piled them in the middle of the room (or on my bed one day) and peed all over them all at once. I didn’t yell at him very much, because he took a lot of crap from me. He would sit on my foot so he wouldn’t slide across the floor and most of all he loved me and everyone around him no matter what. He just wanted to be loved and he was and always will be. Though it hurts to have said goodbye, I know with time it will get better. Now he can make his messes wherever he wants, eat whatever he can and play with as many friends as he wants. I hope he forgives me for what I had to do and understands that it was for the best. Whether it’s a rainbow bridge or a big field of grass (full of cicadas) I know he will be much happier and waiting for me when my time comes. To the dog that was never really a dog but my furry human that stayed by my side through thick and thin, tears and anger, sickness and health, death did us part, but not forever. I will miss your sweet personality the most.

I will end this blog with the part that I love the most from the “Rainbow Bridge Poem”.

Peace love and unconditional love.
RIP Zachary..

“They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.”

Going to sleep to dream

I know I’ve talked about my dreams before. I am always trying to interpret them in my own mind. Sometimes I come up with some strange off the wall interpretation and

then again sometimes it seems like it could work. For instance, nine times out of ten, my dreams include my father. Over the past six months or so I have been angry with him, even in my dreams and he never seems to explain himself to me or help me understand. That is a whole other blog. Today is a totally different kind of dream and surprisingly daddy wasn't in it.

If you are a close friend or you follow my blogs, you know that I can no longer have babies. I made this decision along with my husband and my doctor and we decided it was just better for my health to stop at one. It was a really hard decision that I did not take lightly and if I could go back and change it I totally would. So obviously this is something that weighs on me all the time, sometimes more than others.

Recently my best friend found out she is going to have a baby. I was so happy for her when she told me, it brought tears to my eyes. I think some of those tears were a little bit of jealousy tears too, but I love her and I know how badly she wants another baby so I am ecstatic. Ok back on track here.

Thursday night I had a very real dream that I was pregnant. I felt every bit of the dream. It wasn't just any dream either; I woke up the next morning with tears in my eyes and sick to my stomach, took a breath and got up to start my day. The meaning of the dream didn't come until later in the day. Friday, Mason, my only child ever graduated preschool. I know it's just preschool, but I think subconsciously the dream I had was my mind realizing that my baby is growing up so fast and I can't control it! This was the first time I think my dream interpretation was 100% right on. I think it is high time for me to take in every day and go by that cliché phrase Carpe Diem. I need to seize every single moment I have with that little boy even though (as he says) he will always be my baby.

I just wanted to share that. One of the many reasons, I love to sleep. Sometimes dreams are very real..

Peace Love and seize the moment...