Pre-New Year's Rant

So every year comes to an end and everyone is talking about what their New Year’s Resolution is going to be. Some will start diets that will ultimately fail, attempt to quit smoking, drinking, be a better person, stop cursing so much etc. I used to make a New Years resolution myself every year; normally it was to stop saying the F-word so much (if you know me, you know that didn’t stick). I remember one year it was to quit smoking, which I ended up doing, just not that year. I resolved to try and take better care of myself, be nicer to everyone etc. I think I just about hit them all. Over the past few years, I have resolved to not make a resolution and that always worked out pretty well for me. Being in a family that is full of the addictive personality gene, giving up something only makes me want it more anyway. I won’t give up anything, I will not say goodbye to any bad habits that I may have. To me my habits (good or bad) make me the person I am, and if you don’t take the good with the bad, then what else do you have? All good is boring and all bad is just stressful. Ok, enough of my pre-rant.

This year has not been all bad, but it also hasn’t been all good either. I have definitely had worse, that is for sure. This year another person I love got smacked with the Big C, which really brought a lot of stress and anxiety to the whole family. Anytime I hear anyone talk about Cancer, all I can think of it my family and how we have all had to endure the pain of losing daddy and watching mommy suffer. Then Mimi got smacked with it too which just puts the icing on the cake. I feel like I was very lucky to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Florida, which rarely happens. I wish we could all have one of those HUGE both sides of the family Christmas dinners, that way you could be with everyone you love all at the same time, but living 12 hours away makes that pretty difficult. Either way, I got to spend equal amounts of time with everyone in my family this year.

Christmas was a great time for Mason and that is all that matters to me at this point in my life. I just want my boy to be happy, I don’t want him to see anyone cry or be hurt or see pain. Yes, I guess you could say that I do want him to be sheltered a bit. I think I did pretty good though, I only halfway lost it on Christmas day and I believe I have held it together for the most part since then. I have had a few tears to myself here and there, but nothing like it could be. I honestly have no idea where I am going with this blog. I had a few ideas swimming around when I started typing it up yesterday, and then a few others today so I guess right now, I am just going to throw them in the same blog and be happy with it. Ok, back on track.

So this year, I think I will make a New Years resolution for once. Nothing too deep, that will make we want to screw it up on January 2nd, just something that is broad that I can do myself and not have to involve anyone else to bring me down or make it sound good or bad. 2012 is going to be my year of fixing. Yup MYSELF, I have to fix me. Are you broken? You ask. Yes, yes I am broken in many places and ways. Before I can help or “fix” anyone else. The bottom line is I am unhappy inside and with a lot of aspects of my life. If there was a possibility that I could get up one morning and just say screw it, lock myself and my family in and never go back out, I totally would and I could be happy for the rest of my life. I have to stop finding excuses for things and just live. All the sadness in my life should be boosting me up to see clearly that my little family and I are all healthy and we need to stay that way. Who knows when our last day will be.

My goal for 2012 is to start loving myself for once. I want to look in the mirror and not cringe or get up in the morning and be happy to be there. I need newness, I need a clean slate to begin again and I really believe that if I can stick with it, 2012 will be a good year for me. I will be healthy and happy no matter what goes on around me. If things get hard, I will find other ways to deal, maybe I will buy a punching bag, or some boxing gloves. I will deal with life in the manner in which I know how, yet rarely use. I don’t want to wake up one morning and be forced to change. The way I see it, if I change myself on my own, then there will be no forcing. I will be on the road to happy again, because I lost happy a long time ago and I really need it back.

That’s all for now, sorry I jumped around so much, there will be more to come of this…

Peace, Love and resolve….

God Grant me the serenity

The further I get through this book (if you follow my blog you KNOW the book), no matter how long it takes, I begin to understand myself more. It may take me a week to get through one chapter (not much free time), but it could take me a few weeks to absorb that chapter. I have finally come to the chapter that explains the most about me (so far that is). Learning the art of acceptance.

When I was a counselor in a drug rehab, my biggest concern was that individuals that had addictions were going through the grief process the correct way. I had packets and reading material and a number of group meetings that helped them go through the entire process. In the midst of all that, I had just lost my father a year prior so it was not only a teaching experience, but a helpful learning experience for me as well. I taught everyone about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ACCEPTANCE). Nobody goes through these stages at the same pace. Depending on what you are grieving, it could take from days to years to fully accept the fact that this has happened. Just a side note, you can grieve anything, it does NOT have to be a death, it can be divorce, loss of job, home, anything. Everyone deals with loss in different ways, which makes it very hard for our loved ones to understand or even know what to do when we go through our stages.

The crazy thing that I thought about during my reading this chapter is, not that I lost my father or grandma or dog or any other family member, but to be honest I think my biggest problem is the loss of my girly parts from my hysterectomy in 2008 (go ahead male readers, click off the blog if you must). Even though this is my loss, I still grieve it the same way that I have anything else. I remember the way things went when my dad died and that was the first time I had ever really knew what loss was. I went through all the stages and I finally arrived at acceptance about a year or two ago (that is also in a past blog).

I frequently tell people that when I had my hysterectomy, I went into the OR one person and came out quite another. I lost Heather in there. She went in and some crazy psycho woman missing organs came into the recovery room. It sounds funny and I often laugh about it (on a good day) but it was a very sad experience for me and I am still suffering from it. Don’t get me wrong, it was MY decision to do, knowing good and well it was permanent. I was tired of living with pain and I just wanted to live a normal life. My doctor and I had spoken about it for quite a few years and I finally came to the decision to just do it and move on. NOT THAT EASY!

DENIAL:
This took me quite some time to get through. Part of me felt great still I didn’t want to lie in bed and recover, I wanted to do things and move around. I thought “this isn’t so bad at all” I can handle a hot flash here and there, I’M GOOD! Until all the menopause crap smacked me right in the face.

ANGER:
Wait a minute. Now, I want another baby. Damn that doctor for not explaining all of this to me. It’s his fault. Why didn’t someone talk me out of this? Why did I do this to myself? Why was I given all these problems in the first place? Part of me still gets pretty angry at least every other month.

DEPRESSION:
I am way too young for this shit. I can’t and really don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to be touched. I keep having these feelings that my husband wants to leave me for someone else. My family is going to end up hating me before it’s over. I flip out at the smallest things. I can’t do this, how the hell am I supposed to take care of everyone if I feel this way. Now I will get some medication. RIGHT? WRONG.

The depression has always been my hardest stage. I am great when it comes to helping others with their problems, but man do I suck at trying to deal with myself. Pass the alcohol please or maybe a nerve pill, anything to make me numb for a little while, so I don’t feel accountable for what I am feeling or what I am about to say when I flip out. With this, I am not sure, but I think I may be stuck in this stage of the grief process. I really don’t want to accept it even though I have no choice. I want to magically wake up one morning feeling awesome and wanting to jump around and get laid and be all crazy happy. It hasn’t happened yet though.

I guess, what I am getting at is this is my grief. I am grieving the loss of the woman I was. Though she was already off kilter, the events that happened October 20, 2008, made her 110 times worse. That girl in a way lost herself to never be found again. Which sucks, but at least I can recognize that this is my biggest problem and it has WAY too much power over me. A little 12 step reference there. I want to change, it is just very hard. Alcohol doesn’t help (especially when you’re a binge drinker); medication doesn’t do anything but give me more side effects. I just want to get to the acceptance part and that is hard to get to when I am always trying to mask how I feel and hide my pain and grief. This is me, broken into pieces all the time, but at 31, I am finally realizing it is time to accept the things I cannot change, pray for the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Pray for me.

Peace n love

Don't judge me

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself"- Wayne Dyer

I have always been a person that gives others the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure why I have always been that way, but it just comes naturally to me. I have always been a very trusting person, until I am given a reason to not do so. I am a firm believer that everyone deserves chances in life, if and only if they are honest and trust worthy in their trying. My problem is that once I have been done wrong, I have a very hard time getting back on the “trust wagon”. I become very anxious and nervous that I am going to be wronged again and again. Does that make me a judge or a nervous wreck?

Just because someone has done something in life, does not very well mean that they are going to continue to do that. Many people learn their lessons after the first go round. Some, it takes a few go rounds and other just don’t learn, which makes me sad. Who am I to judge or make a decision for someone else? I believe in God, I may not agree with everything that is spoken about God, but I do believe that for the most part he is the decider and the judge at the end. What I do not agree with is those of you that preach and preach and then JUDGE. I don’t think that is what he would have wanted. It’s not your job to judge. It’s not your job to punish someone. It’s your job to care for you and your own.

I am not sure where I am going with this today; I just had the words and felt the need to throw them out there. I have two sisters that I love very dearly (yea I am going there AGAIN). They both may have not always made the best decisions in their lives, but why should they have to pay for the rest of their lives? Why do weak people have to use that against them? Because most people that point the finger at them are actually doing wrong themselves and the feeling of guilt makes it easier on them to point!! There are so many people out there that say “once a cheater, always a cheater” (being a past cheater, I beg to differ) “once a thief, always a thief” etc, etc! Blah blah blah!

I looked through a long list of quotes and the one I put up, is really the one that means the most. It’s true, when you judge another, you are defining yourself not them. Most of the time, you don’t even know the person fully, that you are judging. You just know a choice few things that you have allowed to get into your head and now that has painted YOUR picture of that person. What does that make you look like?

Maybe it’s because I have worked in the jobs areas that I have worked in (jails and rehabs) that has helped me to not judge along the way. Or maybe it is just the nature I was born with, who knows. All I know is people are too quick to judge these days. When you are ready to put a tag on someone, you need to sit back and look at yourself in the mirror and see what kind of tag that puts on you.

I think that is all for today’s rant. I will end with a quote that I totally dig:

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean” – Bob Marley

Thanks for reading

Peace n love

Dear Daddy:

If you are not in the mood to cry, you probably shouldn’t read any further. Today marks eight years since my daddy passed away. I have never been strong enough to write my actual feeling on THIS day and let anyone read it. If this was paper, it would be soaked with my tears. Every bit of me goes into anything that I blog about, today is just the hardest one that I have ever put down. It just seems like time for me to let it all out. For me..

It seems like just yesterday that we had a late night “smoke” and a McDonalds Hot fudge sundae at the hospital. I remember the pajamas you had on and every word you said to me, because that was the last time we were alone. I think you knew that it might be, so we said what we had to say. You told me to always take care of myself, not matter what the cost. You told me you wanted me to always be happy and to take care of my sisters, and to be the strong one. All I can do now is hope that I have honored our talk and you can see how hard I am working to do my best.
It seems like just yesterday that I was watching you hold back tears at my graduation video. You were so mad that you weren’t allowed to come, but the hospital was the first place I went afterward. I finally felt like I had done what you wanted. Little did I know, this would be the last time you would be able to hug me back and tell me how much you loved me and how proud you were. You actually knew who I was that day and meant the world to me.

It seems like just yesterday it was “my” night to stay up with you at home and make sure you were comfortable. For some reason, I knew that it would be my night that would be your last and I was so scared. Everyone was there, just as you would have wanted it. I remember the movie I watched (Bend it like Beckham) and that I slept on the couch with the only man you were ever really ok with. I held your warm hand for the last time and cried.

It seems like just yesterday that you fell cold in front of my eyes. The pain was something I had never felt before. Your hand was cold now and you were not there. It had happened. I know I had said goodbye to you, because you really weren’t there, but it was real now, TOO real.

It seems like just yesterday we said goodbye forever. I saw you for the very last time. It didn't look like you, but you were wearing your favorite Tae Kwon Do uniform and looked peaceful. There were so many people there paying their respects. People I didn't even know. People that respected and loved you for who you were and what you stood for. Then you were gone....and we had to go back to our lives like normal.

I'm not sure if I have made it back to normal daddy. Actually, i'm almost positive, I will never get back there. I miss you every single day. There is always something that reminds me of you. I wish I could control it. I feel like I have lost my mind.

Every year on your birthday and during the holidays, I relive my last moments with you mostly happy ones from those days. It is this day October 5th that is most painful.

It seems like just yesterday that I thought about it, because it was. Just like every other day to come...

I love you daddy! I miss you so much! See you in my dreams.
Love, Heather

Thanks for reading.

Peace n love

We can all be a little dark!

You know, I have gone my whole life trying to make sure that I NEVER hurt anyones feelings even if it meant that it would hurt me first. I have never in my life wanted to watch someone else cry in pain. In fact, just the sight of someone else crying kills me, I just cannot handle it. Call me a softy, no backbone, whatever, I am a freaking human being! I love everyone. I love people who DO NOT love me back and it does'nt matter to me. I get my feelings hurt so easily it's not even funny, honestly it's sad. I try to make others love me, or even like me for that matter. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Surprisingly, the people that I think would love me more easily DON'T! So screw'em yea I said that SCREW YOU!! You don't want anything to do with me because of your childhood hang-ups guess what FINE! You are grown, I am grown. I'm tired of trying to force the impossible! For ONCE I am going to say what is on my mind and I am not going to worry about what it does to someone else, because Lord knows you don't give a rats ass what you are saying and if it's going to hurt me. It takes alot to make me mad. I get pissed just like the next person, but I try to make peace first. It takes ALOT to bring me to the point of crazyness. Which brings me to what has happened inside me today.

I thought that it was the greatest thing when I found someone who in my mind was a long lost part of my heart. I had these childish dreams that we would all become close and life would be different because that "hole" in my heart was filled. I was wrong, I honestly believe that I should have left well enough alone. It is not my part to force things in life. We share a dad and I guess, that is all we share.. Or sperm-donor, or dead beat, of piece of shit! Whatever the hell you want to call him. I was not around when your heartbreak happened and if I had been, I would have tried my hardest to help that from happening. So don't punish me because he was my father too. Don't punish be because you want to blame everything that went wrong in your life on him. I am sorry he did what he did, but I have no reason to be punished. He suffered and he died! I bet a part of you is happy that is the way he died. After what you said today, alot of me believes that is your thought.

I was angry with him, when I first spoke with you and I still am, but you have no right to talk about him like you did. NO RIGHT! You will meet your maker one day and regardless of what you do in life, if you don't change your ways you will ALWAYS be asking why! I tried! I tried so damn hard to make you be a part of things. I gave you space. I gave you time. I worried about you. If you had any care, you would not have said the things you said about the only man that I ever trusted before my husband. If you were the person I had hoped to God you were going to be, you would not have disrespected the man that I watched die of cancer. No, if you were you would let him rest in piece and be the grown man I had hoped you were.

He was my father and he took care of me and I will be damned if you will talk about him in the manner that you have! Beat him bloody!? You just walked away for ever! It's too late. Everyone says things that they don't mean, but they fix it themselves. I will not reach out anymore. Things are going to change in my heart! The door has just slammed on your hand! You make your descisions and then ask "WHY"!

Anger and hurt

(Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone. It's MY therapy afterall, it really doesn't have to!)

Blood or water, it doesn't matter

I honestly have no idea where I am going to go with this blog today. There is a lot on my mind and I really need to get it down and out before it drives me completely insane. It may not make sense to anyone, but me so if you get confused just know you are probably not the only one. I will start with this:

Codependency as defined by the dictionary is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.

Now, that being said here is my explanation of why I have chosen to blog about that evil word again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since my baby sister (I will always refer to her as such) is going to be coming to live with me. A lot of the thinking is like strange childish stuff, like just not having the relationship with my sisters that I should have always had. Growing up we had no choice but to be close because we all lived in the same house, but as we all got older, things just moved around and so did our lives. I feel like I work overtime trying so hard to get the love back that I missed growing up with them. Whether I am a co-dependent person or not it still hurts to not have that. In a way, I feel like taking care of them now, might help me achieve it.

I feel like I am finally figuring things out with my “caregiver” ways. I by no means had a bad childhood either, so don’t get the wrong idea here. However, there was a lot of tension growing up. Whether someone was getting in trouble for doing the wrong things or what, there just felt like there was always tension. My dad was not the easiest man to get along with and he really was not the hugs and kisses type of daddy either. He was only that way the last few years of his life, when he (I think) realized that things just were not perfect with his children and he wanted to make it better. Although he was successful (in my eyes) in showing as much love as he could, I think it was too late. To put it bluntly, we were already screwed up and way beyond fixing. Now that we are grown, I think it has been the realization of all that it may be time to attempt to figure things out and fix ourselves, some more than others.

I have wanted my relationship so badly from my sisters that I feel like I have been interviewing friends all the time. At one point I honestly thought that I was becoming interested in women (not that it is a bad thing, just not my thing), but then I realized that I was just trying to find someone to love, care and worry for me like a sister should. I rarely have a good relationship with a girl because of my crazy obsession with this. I end up trying to take care of them or telling them what to do or something overbearing that I have no place doing, which in the end just embarrasses me. I have never been able to get along with many girls either. I mean, yes I am a girl but most other girls annoy me with their pink and pretty girly ways. Don’t get me wrong, I like girly things too, but I just can’t relate to that kind of stuff. I don’t do my hair, I rarely do my nails, and I prefer long boy shorts and sneakers over skirts and heels.

Now that I am a grown woman, I keep telling myself I need to move on and let things go, but I just can’t. I play the go between with my sisters and somehow that makes me feel good, because I am constantly trying to FIX their relationships while harboring my own. I can’t stand it when they are mad at me, no matter what I say to the contrary. I would never say anything, that would make them sad or hurt their feelings. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.

Now that I will have my sister living with me, I guess I am just hoping that for once, maybe we can have a relationship that I have wanted for so long. A relationship that we should have always had. We are grown women, why can’t we just be grown women sisters that love each other no matter what stupid mistakes we HAVE made and move on. After all blood, water it really doesn't matter, love is love is love..

Not sure if that was a successful blog or not, but this session has ended. Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and another blog about sisters.

Is worry really a Sin?

So The Scream by Edvard Munch has always been my favorite painting. I am not sure that it is because I always feel stressed or not, but I have always loved it. When I was in high school I had this little blow up scream guy that I would keep in my room and I really would use it to hit things when I was upset or felt the need to scream but didn't want to get yelled at for being so loud inside the house. I am really not sure what happened to that thing, but I really miss it. With that, here goes my next rant:


Is worry really a sin? If so man am I in trouble. My nerves are kicking my ass right now. I know there are a few things that are probably making my nerves react this way and I am not blaming anyone, because this is my own fault really. I have always been the person that gets involved in everyone’s problems, especially family. I love my family sometimes so much I just cannot control myself and have to insist on trying to help them. CODEPENDENT MUCH? Yea, needless to say my book has taken and backseat and I have to admit, I know I am this way, but no book is going to be able to stop me. I want to save the world and everyone in it, but when it comes to my family I jump in without even looking.

Thank GOD for the wonderful husband that I have, because he knows me all too well and wants to help me along the way. It really is no good to have two codependents in a household, especially when one of them (me) is thick headed. He loves me and in turn he loves my family just as much as I do, and I feel the same way about his family. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. After all we vowed to spend forever together and it would really suck to hate each others families.

There comes a time in life (well mine at least) where you start questioning everything that exists. As soon as one thing goes wrong in my life, I immediately try and figure out why it has gone wrong and then I proceed to try and fix it. As soon as one thing gets fixed, something else breaks and so on and so on. You get the picture right?

I care, for just about everyone and everything. Sometimes I wish I was heartless, but that just wouldn’t be me. I was that kid that tried to save the baby bird and nurse it back to life after it fell out of the tree. I am now the adult that skims Craigslist to see if I can help anyone find their lost pet. If you need something and I don’t need it, I would give it to you. If you needed an organ and I had a healthy enough one to spare, I would totally give it to you. I am seriously that kind of person.

For once I would love to wake up one morning and (excuse the language) not give a shit about anything. I have tried and I will be damned if that just adds more to worry about. My parents have always labeled me as the “worry wart” of the family, but it really has not come clear to me until the past few years of my life. I guess I’m trying to make it look okay that I am the way I am. I have been this way my whole life and I am thinking it is probably too late to change now, even if I wanted to.

Well, thanks for reading, that is all for now.

Peace Love and Love..