It's not.. I know

Disclaimer: Tissues may be necessary

This has got to happen. I have to let some of this out. 

It has been 17 days since my mother passed away, but over a month since she was here with me in my house and we actually spoke real words that made sense. 

When mom came to Tennessee, it took me months to convince her that it was for the best and she could NOT live alone. I was fully prepared to take care of her no matter how long it took. I spent every minute I could with her even if we had a fight, I forced it to be over and we moved past it. When she got here, she immediately started doing things. The first month, she cooked, she did laundry, she picked up Mason, she got out of the house (even though I told her not to). All of a sudden that changed...

I made sure that every holiday that she had was perfect. If she wanted a stuffed peacock for Thanksgiving, I was going to make it happen (Turduchen was it). I bought her Christmas presents to put under the tree just like she was my little girl. I fought with the idea that she was looking ill and not seeming to get any better. I think everyone was. 

In January, I lost my job and she felt horrible. I told her over and over that it wasn't her fault, because it wasn't. It was nobodies fault (but that's an entirely different post). I was going to take care of her no matter what, I would find another job at some point. Secretly, she really loved having me home though and to be honest, so did I. 

Then the day came when her cancer returned AGAIN.  That night I heard her crying in hysterics from downstairs, so I ran upstairs thinking that she had a fight with one of my siblings. I flung open the door ready to scream and it was just her and the dog sitting on the bed, I looked at her and just immediately grabbed her and held her rubbing her little head like she was my child...all I could hear her say was "I'm not ready to go Heather, I'm scared." She knew... 

NO! I was not going there, I was being strong positive Heather and that was that. We went to see the specialist the following week and I sat there listening to my mother beg the doctor to fix it. Something in the doctors eye told me this was bad, but he said he had some trials.. Looking back, I wish I had paid attention to that look. 

Mom started a new trial on February 26th..February 27th, she fell....

One little step and down she went, I see it happening over and over in my head. I know it was NOT my fault, but damn it hurts that that is what put her in the hospital and ultimately took her away from us. Just like that, she wasn't hear anymore.She spent her time in the hospital and it is all a blur for me.  All I knew was she wasn't texting me from upstairs to say"goodnight my Gnocchi" or "I can't get this friggin TV to work". My life that I had know for the past year had changed so quickly, I didn't even notice what was happening. 

I just about MADE her come here to be safe, so I could take care of her and ultimately the same thing that could have happened when she was alone, happened with me standing right in front of her..

What if she didn't fall? Would she still be here? Would she be even sicker? Would she be suffering? 

It's not your fault Heather, I know.. Do I? Even if it isn't I can't help but wonder...

Peace n Love...

"Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."

Depression is a serious medical illness; it is not something that you have made up in your head. (National Institute for Mental Health)

Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which is frequently attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, alcoholism or drug abuse.  

 

 

I am not going to talk about judgment because then I sound all judgey myself and that is just not me. In light of the recent death of the greatest funny man every, there have been quite a few blog posts both negative and positive, so I figured I would follow suit since I finally felt creative and compelled. Mental health has always been something I have been concerned with, so much so that Psychology was my major in college and I have worked in the field off and on since graduating. With that being said, I am by no means an expert on the topic, this blog is merely my opinion as someone who has both watched others suffer and has suffered from depression, and well, I quote facts from experts. 

Let’s just agree on a few things first ; death of anyone, no matter what the cause, no matter what your belief, is horrifying and heartbreaking. The problem with the death of a famous person is that it gets blown by the media, so that their cover can be the first one read or their site can be the most clicked. No matter how they died, media has no respect or heart, no matter who you are.  

I have gotten sad before when other “stars” have passed, but I actually cried when I found out about Robin Williams. He has made us all laugh with every voice he spoke, every character he played and every animated joke he told on stage. He was on the top of my comedy idol list, for when I got the gall up to get on stage and “be like” someone. He did not judge, he did not call names, he wholeheartedly loved each and everyone and everything in this world. Did I know him personally? Of course not, but I didn’t need to, it showed in everything he did. He was not in the tabloids for being a wife-beater, or getting arrested and honestly, not many of us even knew he had three beautiful kids. He kept his personal life, just that, personal…. And THAT is how I know he was a good person. 

This man loved so much that he hid his pain so that we could smile for a moment. He hid his demons so that we could laugh our cares away even for just two hours of a movie. This man tried for years to fight his darkness until he just couldn’t anymore and it took him away. Yes suicide is an act of killing oneself, but if you know anything about mental health, there are days when you just can’t get yourself out of bed, there are days where you say things that hurt others feelings and you don’t even realize it. You spend a lot of your life apologizing for something that a lot of time you have no control over. The darkness gets so deep that it clouds your happy and brings out your sad. When alcohol and drugs no longer numb the pain, some people end up going to extreme, some people are not in their right minds and for this reason, our society needs to be more serious about mental illness. No matter what your belief is, there is someone close to you that is probably suffering from within and you’re sitting across from them laughing about it. We have ALL been made the comment “I just wanna die” or “im gonna kill myself”, do we mean it? 99% of us don’t but there is someone that hears that and deep down inside, really wants to end it all. 

Robin Williams held his pain deep inside for us, his fan family, his world. He wanted to see us smile, he wanted sick children to not worry about their illness just for a moment. He held it in for so long that it built up and he just couldn’t fight it back anymore.  

Sadly, depression IS a disease and it takes more people from us then we know. Depression knows no color, religion or financial status it just settles right in your brain.  

Suicide happens all the time and it is not always something that is out in the open, perhaps if we paid more attention to others, we could get a handle on things in this world. Chris Farley, Heath Ledger, overdosed on drugs, their way of numbing the pain went too far and took them away too (taking the life of oneself).  

Pay attention people.. It’s everywhere! Stop judging and start caring and loving!

 

Peace n Love

Missing Person

Once again we have hit yet another year and all I see is everyone talking about their New Year’s resolution. New Year New Me or What are you doing differently with this fresh start? Too much pressure, if you ask me. I have said it before that I usually resolve to not resolve. I am not setting myself up to fail another year. So, I probably won’t tell you if I make a resolution, let alone what it is. However, last week, I read someone’s status on Facebook and thought it didn’t click at the time, I thought it sounded like something a lot of people should do, most importantly myself. Don’t get me wrong people, I know I’m overweight and not the healthiest person around, but for me, my happiness is my family, not by any means the way I physically look. Not that I think it is wrong, to each his own, it has just never been for me. With that, this year I am going on a quest (yes like Zelda) but more of a mental quest to find myself. I don’t mean my sexual or spiritual orientation, or my once thinner self (yea right), but me. The Heather that I used to love for the most part. The Heather that set out to make the world smile. The peace, love and happiness Heather. The brave Heather that doesn’t take crap from anyone, especially herself. The Heather that enjoyed writing almost on a daily basis, maybe even the Heather that wants to be a stand-up comedian, who knows. My point is, that it has been apparent to me over the past few months that she went missing. I thought I could just move forward and not look back, but it has not felt right. I don’t know when it happened or how, I just know I would like her back now. She was never afraid to cry when she got sad, or scream when she saw red, and above all, she never took anything too seriously. I just know it is terribly hard to put make-up on in the morning, when I just don’t like who I see looking back at me. So, with that, 2014 is going to be the year I find myself and never let her go again. I never thought it would be possible that I would lose myself, but sadly it did happen. I will spend the next year picking up my broken pieces and fixing things back to the way they should be, not the way that is comfortable or easy. PEACE N LOVE! Thanks for reading.

He is all mine...

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” I am not about to start quoting the bible tonight, but a friend of mine said that quote to me today when we were talking about it being my anniversary today. I thought it was perfect for what we have. My husband and I have known each other for way longer than 10 years. We dated back when I was 17 and he was 21 (convenient right?) I was just entering into my party-animal stage and he was just starting a new job (that would end up being his career) which made him travel a lot. I was so immature and I did not understand yet that men were supposed to be nice and respect women; I was still in the “bad boy” stage of relationships. So, like most girls did when they were in those types of stages in life, I dumped him and moved on without a care. We stayed friends or well acquaintances for the next 4 or so years and that was that. Then one day I got a call from him asking me out to dinner and well, 10 years later here we are, married! I have been married to this man for 9 years today and I can honestly say that I don’t wish anything different. I may joke here and there, but I love him more and more each day. He has seen me at my worst and my best. He has seen me through countless surgeries, depression, sadness, grief, hatred, pregnancy, birth, more depression, unemployment and well I could sit here all night. He has never once even tried to disrespect me. He has never called me a bitch, even though he probably should have. He has never laid a hand on me, besides the usual smack on the butt every morning. He loves and respects me even when I know I am being hard to handle or put up with. I will be the first to admit that I am not the easiest person to handle or deal with sometimes and even after I broke his heart, he came back and tried one more time. He who doesn’t run for the hills when things get rough is a keeper. He, who takes every punch you throw out of grief and heartbreak without a second thought, is a treasure. He, who works his ass off day in and day out to make sure you and your son have everything that you need plus some, is a blessing. He who cares for your siblings like they are his own, even when he sees your heart broken from it, is amazingly good man. Yes I am being cheesy as hell right now (and some of you might just puke.), but I honestly suck at saying things like this to his face and that is how I know my love is real, because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I want to make sure he knows. He is awesome and well, He is mine! Happy Anniversary to the greatest gift I could have, the love of another for a lifetime. Peace and Love…

New Dawn New Day..

It has come to my attention that I have just not written in such a long time. I would say that I have been super busy, but that's a big fat lie. I have had a lot going on in my head and I think I have started about five blogs since the last one was published, but they just sit there in my folder labeled "blah" on my desktop. I am thinking about putting them all together and naming them "cluster.." uh yea big cluster of blogs. Then again, they usually never come out smoothly, I usually jump around anyway. So as I sit here waiting on my son and my little friend to wake up from nap time, I am thinking clearly. Perhaps it is time for me to start over? Start a new blog genre or mood if you will. After all it has been a year since my life has gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, so why not bring my blog to that spectrum. Here it goes... This week is a big week, in my mind. A lot is going on in our house. The biggest thing is that my little boy who is no longer little, starts 2nd grade TOMORROW! While I am admittedly happy that summer is over and we will go back to our separation of time during the day, I will miss the little guy. He has been very helpful to me with the babies that I watch and it showed me just how good of a little man he is growing up to be, which makes me so proud. This summer, I literally watched him grow up before my very eyes and while I am STILL home and income is tiny to say the least, that is the main reason I made that stupid decision to quit my job and be home. Yes I say stupid, because on the bill side MAN WHAT A DUMMY! But on the mommy side, I will never get back the time I missed while my little guy was in aftercare and learning bad habits from older kids. This summer is one I will not soon forget. He has grown at least a foot, got a new big man haircut, and just talks differently (and believe me I know, it starts when he wakes up and doesn't end until he goes to sleep!). He has matured and it shows just by the way he says things, for example "I wish I could have first grade back mommy, so I wouldn't have gotten so many reds (for those of you who do not know, red is a bad behavior comment)but at least I can start fresh in 2nd grade". I did not put those words in his mouth, he came up with that on his very own, which made me so happy. So far so good mom, you haven't screwed him up thus far! This week is also one whole year in our new home! Which I still cannot fathom. A year has passed and things seem to be going very smooth. I have made pretty good friends with a few neighbors and I actually started a community page on Facebook at a friends recommendation so that perhaps we could get to know some more neighbors and feel less awkward. Sadly, my son knows more neighbors then we do, but that was the point of moving to this subdivision in the first place. My husband, I HOPE, has finally finished scavenging for rocks to cover every inch of our yard with and hopefully is done digging random areas up in the backyard. He said last weekend that he thinks he is done, that remains to be seen and I will definitely let you know in a rant or two. So with that, I am happy that my fingers hit the keys this morning on a whim and I feel accomplished that I finally got some things out of my head to make room for more. I am hoping that this year will bring a different side of Heather. I have learned a lot in the last year, about myself and what I am capable of. Remember Money buys NOTHING! Except most things! (a little quote from a favorite movie) Peace and Love SHE'S BAAACKKKK!!

Defense, not just a sports term.

I have recently (over the past few months) realized that I am becoming very defensive these days. Now, this happens to everyone, however I am usually the one that calms down those playing defense. I am not sure why this is happening, but I have a little theory that I suppose I will share. Choices…. Recent choices that I have made, though are for the betterment of my son’s and my happiness and sanity, I believe they are becoming very stressful to my husband, (yea, I am going here again by all means stop reading). I was totally fine with it in the beginning and while I am continuously happy and comfortable I know my husband is not. Which makes me, in turn, strike back at him even when he is just asking a question. So let’s take for instance, a recent dialogue: Hubby: What do you think you will be making this month? Me: Ugh, here we go again! Probably the same as last month Jaime! (using his name usually signals I am being a bitch). Then we continue on with him just trying to calm me down, when really all he did was ask a question to know what our budget looks like. So yes, pretty much everything in my life lately has come down to money, which is what most working class people can say. My theory? Well my theory is that deep down, I know that I did not make the smartest FINANCIAL choice, I was thinking like a mother, and every time my husband honestly is just asking a question that has nothing to do with pointing fingers, I fly off the handle and flip out and in the end I am apologizing for my reaction (which is the least of my problems). The biggest problem is it is my fault that he is stressed. Even though, I am doing everything I can in every waking minute of my day to prove to him this was a good family choice all around and we just need to cut back on some things, in my mind, I screwed up royally. He has not in any way made me feel that way. I made promises that I have been struggling to keep. My son, on the other hand is the happiest kid in the world for the most part and I just wish that was enough. I guess I am just writing this to share my realization that even in the greatest of loving situations, it just takes one half of that couple to start a fight or an argument, but as soon as you realize there was no fight to begin with and you are just being defensive then perhaps that argument or misunderstanding can be kept at bay. That was my vent…. Peace and love….

Never Just Another year

I have had this blog going over and over in my head trying to figure out the best way to do it, things go through my head and then I forget to write them down. So now that the day I was planning on blogging is here, I guess it is time to wing it from how I am feeling at this point in time. It is one thing to always have had someone in your life that understands you and loves you no matter what you have done. It really is one entirely other thing though, to have such a person in your life that you are related to by blood. She always knows when something is wrong. She makes sure I am ok even when she isn’t and though she may not show it like everyone else, she has a lot of love to give. She has always been that person in my life that even though we have gone long periods of time without seeing each other, we always know when the other is in need or hurting. She is three years older than me and I feel that I have always taken care of her emotionally and she has always protected me physically (don’t laugh). I would never mean this in a bad way; it is just the way things have always been between us. When I need her, she is there. She would drop EVERYTHING and come to my rescue and while that is not always the best way to handle things, I love her for that. The fact of the matter is, the older we get the more similarities I see in us. The thing you have to understand is we haven’t always been as close as we are now. It took us years to get to where we are now and the understanding that we have for each other. She would disappear for weeks at a time and I would ALWAYS find her. Even with distance between us, I know when something is wrong in her life. I have always had a crazy, weird, special place in my heart for her, perhaps because she and never had the relationships that I had with those around me or maybe because she kept me on my toes my whole life, who knows. Don’t get me wrong, we have had our knock our drag out fights, we have said terrible hateful things to each other and we have cried for hours over cheap wine. They have been few and far between, but we have ALWAYS recovered from it. She is terribly hard-headed, and set in her ways which makes a lot of things difficult for her. She is argumentative, defensive and sensitive, but that is her way and I love her for it every day. She is a good person, mother and sister. She is my big sister and today, on her birthday, I want to make her understand how much she is loved and cared about. I want her to stop being so hard on herself for everything and just move forward. Because she is a huge part of my world and always will be. She is a huge part of her husband and children’s world! She is beautiful and even though things don’t always go the way she wants or needs them to go, she is one strong woman that has been through more hardships than many. One day will be your day and I will be right there to congratulate you for it. You are a wonderful person no matter what you think. And I love you very much big sister! I love you Tara. Happy Happy Birthday!!