Over the past month or so, just about every female acquaintance I may have on FaceBook has become “with child”. It is like one after the other! And while I am so happy for them all, I am overcome with my own sadness.
The happiness is because I was blessed to have been able to feel the magic, that is, a baby growing inside. There were so many emotions that came over me the day I found out I was pregnant; feat, excitement, anxiety, etc. I was surprised for the most part, because so many of the doctors that I had seen over the years told me that it would be hard for me to get pregnant if I could at all. So in my eyes this was a miracle in the first place. I literally was in shock and had no idea what kind of reaction to give the nurse. So I said “no, I’m not”, but she brought me back and showed me the pregnancy test and it was boldly positive.
The day I felt the first real kick, I knew it was actually real. I was officially going to become a mommy. Not to mention the day I saw him on the ultrasound and was told he was a boy! What I am getting at is all of the emotions you have at that point are just mind blowing and totally uncontrollable. I mean I never knew that there would come a day when I could not describe how I was feeling in any way.
Now, to why I feel sadness. I don’t think about it all that much since my hysterectomy, but the thought crosses my mind from time to time; obviously there will be no more babies for me. Don’t get me wrong, the decision was a hard one and took a lot of deliberation, but the decision was made, that there would be no more children because I had lived with the pain long enough. So October 21, 2008 I went in to have it done.
It was an indescribable feeling when I woke up from surgery that day. From that day forward, I just have not been the same person. It was like they took my heart out with everything else. Some days, I almost think I would rather be in pain again, rather than having to deal with the hormone crazed mania I run into. Some days I want to stay in bed and just let the world go on around me. Then, there are other days when I cannot shut up and will totally talk you head off if given the chance. There is never just a neutral day anymore.
Today, I want a baby and I know I can’t have one, and well, that makes me so very sad. But, I will go home tonight, jump into bed with my beautiful little boy and just hug and kiss him over and over because I know that there will be a day that he understands how very much he means to me…
Peace, Love and bundles of joy!
No comments:
Post a Comment