Not anymore

I believe in alcohol. No I am not drunk, but I have had 3 glasses of my favorite brand of wine, Relax, which is appropriate for how it makes me feel. Alcohol makes you honest even when you don’t want to be honest. It has been called a “truth serum” or “pain reliever” and man do I believe that. That is why when someone has a bad day they turn to alcohol. That is exactly what I did today. I have been having a bad day every day lately and you know what I am done having bad days. So drink I will. I KNOW I am a good person. Not because I have never done anything wrong, because in my mind, I have done plenty wrong in my time, but I have always been there for everyone, before myself. I would save half dead birds in my back yard when I was growing up. I wanted to save the damn world and everyone in it. That was my job in life, so I thought, until now. No matter what I said out loud, I was a follower and never a leader (man that hurts coming out). If someone was upset, I made them feel better. If I got angry and actual SAID what I meant, look out because then I would feel bad for upsetting someone else and apologize. Did you get that? I would apologize for being upset or angry or FEELING anything. That’s me! The worst part about it, was those around me knew how I was and laughed right in my face when I ever showed anger, “Oh look at Heather she is trying to be a bitch, how funny”. NOPE not anymore! I am a grown woman and I deserve to feel things too. If you want to wipe your feet on my doormat you best keep walking because I picked that up months ago. You’re not welcome here anymore. I have always been an honest helper, peacemaker, go between, scapegoat, whatever you want to call me I have never asked for ANYTHING in return, NEVER. I have cried painful tears. I have wanted to hurt people, I have wanted to hurt myself more times than I would like to admit and before I had my husband, who did I have? NOBODY! That is the honest truth. I was always afraid to say these types of things, but this is the new (maybe not) improved Heather. I have been in pain too, but you don’t see me falling back on excuses to screw up my life do you? NOPE! Yea let me ring my bell really quick. Sometimes I wish I had excuses to just give it all up, that would make life a lot easier, but that is not what grown up adults do, we forge on and keep going. I remember EVERYTHING, good or bad, that has ever happened to me. I am not sure if that is a gift or a curse. That is the dividing line between caring and not giving a shit. I have always tried so hard to find the good in everything and everyone. Sometimes, there just isn’t any good left and I just can’t put it there, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I am so tired. I am tired of caring, using up my good energy on bad. I have to move on and take care of my family and myself. I can’t keep erasing things and pushing them to the back burner that is just not how things work. Thank god for the fearless words that come out in my blogs, or I would lose it. So next time you do something that may affect someone else, try and think of that person before yourself, just for a second… that is call being a human with a heart, you should try it sometime. When you have time of course. Peace love and HONESTLY I’m done!