With the anger out of the way, now I will move on to ME. I am just plain and simple not happy these days (derr can ya tell?). I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways. I sit here thinking what would happen if I just packed up and relocated. Just out of the blue picked everything up and took off? I am sure some of you have thought the same thing. I joke all the time about buying an RV and making the road my home, like a band of gypsies and that makes me smile! I know that I SHOULD be happy, I have a great husband who takes very good care of his family I. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and plenty of love in my home. Is this just boredom?
I have always learned that people appreciate true honesty rather than some clouded junk and if any of you REALLY know me, you know I don’t cloud much. As the world changes around us, our job is to change in certain ways to adapt to the world in which we live. However, some of us choose to stay the way we are and attempt to defy this. Don’t get me wrong, nobody should change who they are, I am 31 now and I still feel like I am the same person I was 20 years ago. The thing that happens when we become adults (responsible adults that is) is we change the way we see things, or the way we deal with things.
I was talking with a friend of mine the other night and he told me that maybe I just need to sit back and look at what I do have and that usually helps him and to do what makes me happy. I think just for a moment, when I’m writing my mind actually becomes clear and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Writing is the one thing that has always made me happy. The only thing I have always had in my life for a release is writing. Sometimes I share, sometimes I write and then delete or put it away. This is what I enjoy, but I could never make money doing it because I am better at expressing what is inside me rather than writing on certain topics for the most part.
I have grown up alot over the past 10 years. Am I still the same person that cracks jokes to make you laugh, Hell yes I am, but I am grown and responsible.
Let’s take for instance when I became a mommy; I didn’t fight it, I just changed my ways like I was supposed to in order to take proper care of my child. Having a child isn’t just carrying it around for 9 months, popping it out feeding it and putting it to bed. Having a child is a LIFE-LONG commitment, not to be entered into lightly. There are so many things that you just CAN’T (or definitely shouldn’t) do when you are a parent. Don’t get me wrong, there are times if you get lucky enough, to go out and party or live it up for a night or two, but they are few and very far between. Your child is your responsibility for ever, even when they are grown and adults, they will still look to you for guidance. The reason I bring that up, is because that is the only time throughout my day that I feel like I am doing something right and something that I am happy and proud of. I am good at it! I love taking care of my son, and when he tells me he loves me it just makes it that much better. If only I could get paid to do that, right?
So see, at this point my unhappiness has alot to do with what I like and don't like to do which in turn, I think still makes me kind of immature.. I think being slightly immature makes me a great mom. To me there just comes a time, when you need to pack up your toys, put away your crayons and grow up. To some people, growing up is an obvious step in life that they take and move on quickly. For others, it seems to be refused. I haven't refused it, I just refuse to be unhappy with it... Here's hoping my next blog is HAPPY!!!
Peace Love and immaturity
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