Not for you..

My tears begin to fall. Not because I feel bad or have pity for you Not because I think that I could have stopped you. My tears begin to fall For the babies you left behind and the family that loves you so much. For the broken pieces in your heart and mind that cause you to do things nobody understands. My tears begin to fall. Not because I am sad. Not because I am angry. My tears begin to fall. For the heartache you have caused. For the fact that you don’t care. My tears begin to fall. Not because I want to slap you. Not because I’m not sure when I will see you again My tears begin to fall Because of everything you have done without a thought or care. Because you have drained me of everything I have in me. Because I have nothing more to give. My tears will continue to fall.

Not anymore

I believe in alcohol. No I am not drunk, but I have had 3 glasses of my favorite brand of wine, Relax, which is appropriate for how it makes me feel. Alcohol makes you honest even when you don’t want to be honest. It has been called a “truth serum” or “pain reliever” and man do I believe that. That is why when someone has a bad day they turn to alcohol. That is exactly what I did today. I have been having a bad day every day lately and you know what I am done having bad days. So drink I will. I KNOW I am a good person. Not because I have never done anything wrong, because in my mind, I have done plenty wrong in my time, but I have always been there for everyone, before myself. I would save half dead birds in my back yard when I was growing up. I wanted to save the damn world and everyone in it. That was my job in life, so I thought, until now. No matter what I said out loud, I was a follower and never a leader (man that hurts coming out). If someone was upset, I made them feel better. If I got angry and actual SAID what I meant, look out because then I would feel bad for upsetting someone else and apologize. Did you get that? I would apologize for being upset or angry or FEELING anything. That’s me! The worst part about it, was those around me knew how I was and laughed right in my face when I ever showed anger, “Oh look at Heather she is trying to be a bitch, how funny”. NOPE not anymore! I am a grown woman and I deserve to feel things too. If you want to wipe your feet on my doormat you best keep walking because I picked that up months ago. You’re not welcome here anymore. I have always been an honest helper, peacemaker, go between, scapegoat, whatever you want to call me I have never asked for ANYTHING in return, NEVER. I have cried painful tears. I have wanted to hurt people, I have wanted to hurt myself more times than I would like to admit and before I had my husband, who did I have? NOBODY! That is the honest truth. I was always afraid to say these types of things, but this is the new (maybe not) improved Heather. I have been in pain too, but you don’t see me falling back on excuses to screw up my life do you? NOPE! Yea let me ring my bell really quick. Sometimes I wish I had excuses to just give it all up, that would make life a lot easier, but that is not what grown up adults do, we forge on and keep going. I remember EVERYTHING, good or bad, that has ever happened to me. I am not sure if that is a gift or a curse. That is the dividing line between caring and not giving a shit. I have always tried so hard to find the good in everything and everyone. Sometimes, there just isn’t any good left and I just can’t put it there, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I am so tired. I am tired of caring, using up my good energy on bad. I have to move on and take care of my family and myself. I can’t keep erasing things and pushing them to the back burner that is just not how things work. Thank god for the fearless words that come out in my blogs, or I would lose it. So next time you do something that may affect someone else, try and think of that person before yourself, just for a second… that is call being a human with a heart, you should try it sometime. When you have time of course. Peace love and HONESTLY I’m done!

Part 2 SADNESS of growing up

With the anger out of the way, now I will move on to ME. I am just plain and simple not happy these days (derr can ya tell?). I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways. I sit here thinking what would happen if I just packed up and relocated. Just out of the blue picked everything up and took off? I am sure some of you have thought the same thing. I joke all the time about buying an RV and making the road my home, like a band of gypsies and that makes me smile! I know that I SHOULD be happy, I have a great husband who takes very good care of his family I. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and plenty of love in my home. Is this just boredom? I have always learned that people appreciate true honesty rather than some clouded junk and if any of you REALLY know me, you know I don’t cloud much. As the world changes around us, our job is to change in certain ways to adapt to the world in which we live. However, some of us choose to stay the way we are and attempt to defy this. Don’t get me wrong, nobody should change who they are, I am 31 now and I still feel like I am the same person I was 20 years ago. The thing that happens when we become adults (responsible adults that is) is we change the way we see things, or the way we deal with things. I was talking with a friend of mine the other night and he told me that maybe I just need to sit back and look at what I do have and that usually helps him and to do what makes me happy. I think just for a moment, when I’m writing my mind actually becomes clear and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Writing is the one thing that has always made me happy. The only thing I have always had in my life for a release is writing. Sometimes I share, sometimes I write and then delete or put it away. This is what I enjoy, but I could never make money doing it because I am better at expressing what is inside me rather than writing on certain topics for the most part. I have grown up alot over the past 10 years. Am I still the same person that cracks jokes to make you laugh, Hell yes I am, but I am grown and responsible. Let’s take for instance when I became a mommy; I didn’t fight it, I just changed my ways like I was supposed to in order to take proper care of my child. Having a child isn’t just carrying it around for 9 months, popping it out feeding it and putting it to bed. Having a child is a LIFE-LONG commitment, not to be entered into lightly. There are so many things that you just CAN’T (or definitely shouldn’t) do when you are a parent. Don’t get me wrong, there are times if you get lucky enough, to go out and party or live it up for a night or two, but they are few and very far between. Your child is your responsibility for ever, even when they are grown and adults, they will still look to you for guidance. The reason I bring that up, is because that is the only time throughout my day that I feel like I am doing something right and something that I am happy and proud of. I am good at it! I love taking care of my son, and when he tells me he loves me it just makes it that much better. If only I could get paid to do that, right? So see, at this point my unhappiness has alot to do with what I like and don't like to do which in turn, I think still makes me kind of immature.. I think being slightly immature makes me a great mom. To me there just comes a time, when you need to pack up your toys, put away your crayons and grow up. To some people, growing up is an obvious step in life that they take and move on quickly. For others, it seems to be refused. I haven't refused it, I just refuse to be unhappy with it... Here's hoping my next blog is HAPPY!!! Peace Love and immaturity

Part 1 ANGER

If you haven’t noticed yet, my blogs are mostly angry or depressing. I rarely do one that is funny or entertaining. I save that for my notebook that I will use down the road when I finally get the gall up to stand up in front of an audience at an open mic night or something. As I have said before, you don’t go to therapy because you’re happy though do you? NOPE and this is my couch to lie on for free, here we go again!! Let me just get the anger out of the way first: I read another chapter in the book I have been reading on and off for the past 3 years or so (that’s just sad) on making decisions for yourself. I CAN make decisions. Not that I don’t make decisions, I totally do, but they are usually decisions that include my family or our lives as a whole. I do however; have a really hard time making decisions for myself. I don’t know if that is just something that comes with being married or that I have lost a lot of my independence or what, but I just can’t seem to make my own decisions. But I am going to attempt one that is very hard for me, right here and right now. I am no longer going to be a doormat, punching bag or something for you to shit on. I will no longer put up with less than what I give out. I am full of love and I spread it around to people that should be holding on to it and passing it back to me, but I don’t seem to get it back, especially since I have grown up. I am done! I am done being screwed, put in the corner, ignored, laughed at and down right treated like dirt. I am not that person anymore. I am the new improved Heather! You will not take advantage of me, you WILL respect me. I give everyone chances, over and over again and for what? To get shit on again!? NOPE not anymore. Yes, this may be about one specific person, and I am sure that person can see this, but this is for all those that have screwed me or taken advantage of me in the past or currently are, back up! The girl who once had a very limber backbone is new and improved! I am stronger than ever and I guess I have you all to thank FOR ONCE. I don’t deserve the treatment I receive, I deserve so much better and I will get that! I WILL! So don’t come knocking, don’t think, she’ll come around, because I won’t, I have turned the corner of not giving a shit and I like it here. Keep digging your holes deeper and deeper, because I have put up my shovel for GOOD! I believe blood is thicker than water, but I have enemies that have given me more respect then some of my blood! Moving on.....

Damn Kids

I totally lost count of all the times I have had a rant about the youth of today. I don’t remember ever being this opinionated about kids back before I had a child of my own, except when the Columbine shooting happened, which changed every perspective I had. Then when Virginia Tech happened, I pretty much lost all hope. Let me start by saying WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is it because kids are having kids? Is it because parents just don’t want to be involved or plain and simple don’t care?

I find myself always watching children when I drop Mason off at school. I was driving down the road this morning and saw a young boy about 13 or so, walking away from the school, with something in his hand. When I got closer I realized that it was some sort of gaming thing, but still why was my first thought a weapon of sorts? Because that is what is happening! Kids are getting guns and knives and taking their crazy depression or bullying sadness out on their peers. Kids need an outlet, I have always been a firm believer. Whether you buy them a punching bag or put them in Martial Arts, they NEED an outlet and sometimes it’s just not cool to talk to mom and dad, which sucks but it’s the truth. Let them know you are there, no matter what!

I was bullied in school, I was picked on in school and I hated every minute of it. I was one of those kids that kept it to myself. Yes, I did have depression as early as a lot of these kids, but if there is one thing I will never forget that my parents taught me was, “don’t take shit from anyone and have self respect”. I took it for a long time until I finally just decided IM DONE! I may be small (height wise) but I won’t back down, not in this life and that is what helped. I played the crazy side of it and it worked for me. I just don’t understand where kids think that attempting and/or taking their lives or the lives of others proves anything. I myself have been in situations like that and yes in the moment, that seems like the best answer! I will just end my pain myself, because nobody else is going to end it for me.

Whatever happened to kids getting in trouble for smoking a little pot or sneaking a beer out of dad’s fridge? You know normal young kid stuff? Now they go straight down the road of kill kill kill! The fact of the matter is there is always going to be a bully or pain in the ass in your life. ALWAYS! I don’t care how old you are, whether it is a sibling, friend or co-worker. There is always going to be someone who tries to get the better of you. It is how we choose to deal with it that makes or breaks us. I only have one child, and though sometimes I wish I had more, I smack myself and realize I have enough with just one. I am going to instill in him, the same values my parents instilled in me. Fighting isn’t the answer, but don’t take shit from anyone!

Even worse, now these little girls are putting up YouTube videos of themselves with the question “do you think I’m pretty or do you like me?” That is just setting yourself up for embarrassment and sadness. There is always going to be that asshole out there that just says you’re fat and ugly for now reason, but to make themselves feel funny. Technology has become this huge thing with kids that are younger and younger. Parents need to be parents and monitor! I mean really monitor, that is your freaking job!!

I am 31 years old and I have NEVER been in a physical fight besides the small you push me, then I will push you type of deal and in the ring sparring for Tae Kwon Do. I, to this day have no idea how that happened, but I kept that voice in the back of my head that kept me calm and told me, it’s not worth it.

We can’t baby them all the time, like we want to, but I will be damned if my kid is a bully or becomes the victim of such.

DO YOUR JOB MOM AND DAD!!

Peace and Love

Change'll do you good

I’m sure it’s common knowledge, but when you are unhappy in one aspect of your life, most everything else falls into the category of unhappiness. It sucks that it happens that way, but I have yet to find a way to control my border in between. I have read often that you should deal with one problem at a time instead of attacking it all at once. It’s like an addict trying to go to rehab and detox off of their drug and quit smoking at the same time. Take it slow, do one thing to change at a time. I know I always use drug rehab as a way of explaining myself, but I guess that is something I feel strongly about and know more than I would like to know about. I can also use the Aitkin’s diet as an example, during the induction stage you are supposed to STOP eating any carbs. That is the most sleepy, depressing, angry time of that entire diet.

You can totally put your body into shock no matter what it is you are trying to fix, change get off of. No matter what addiction you have, drugs, food, sex etc your body will not be happy with you at first at all. In fact your body will do everything it can to tell your brain that you NEED to give up on the whole quitting situation and go back to what is comfortable. The fact of the matter is, that would be the easiest way to deal with it, wouldn’t it?

I am struggling with certain “unhappy” things in my life and man would it be awesome if I could just give up and start from scratch. I think about it all the time. How easy it would be to just live and be happy with no negativity at all, right? The problem is that the minute I had my son, what I wanted took the backseat and that was something I had to get used to pretty quickly and I am totally fine with that, it is my mind that makes me crazy and tries to push me in the wrong direction. So I can’t just give up, I can’t just move on without him in mind, because every single decision I make has to have that child in mind or there could be consequences. The words selfish and mommy do not mesh well, unless you just don’t care for your kids in any way, and if that’s the case, then go for it, say goodbye to them because it will happen sooner or later.

I have never felt so weak in my life. I have always been a very strong person (at least I think so). I am always there to pick YOU up when you’re down, why does it seem so hard to pick myself up? Some mornings, I just don’t want to go on and have to drag myself out of the bed with the help of that strong little man I call my son. The beautiful thing about being a parent is that our children love us no matter what. They don’t see us in any light except the brightest and they deserve the same. My little guy doesn’t deserve the bitch that I am some nights. He deserves the crazy happy mommy that dances to silly music and chases him around the house.

So now that I am about out of words for now, all I can finish with is, things will have to change, or else… (feel free to read between the lines, just because I blog doesn't mean I will tell all).

Peace and Love.

Detachment

We have all had that terrible feeling in the pit of our stomach, when we are gone or leaving for a vacation and we feel like there is just SOMETHING we have forgotten or something that is missing. That has got to be one of the worse feelings ever. The only problem is lately, I have been feeling that just about daily. I wish it was because I was going on daily vacations, but it’s almost like I feel like there is just something in my life that has gone missing or I have left behind somewhere. This may sound confusing to some, but most of the time I find that there are more of you out there that read my blogs, that do actually have the same feeling that I do and I think that is why I post such things. I don’t mind sharing my inner most thoughts, it really doesn’t bother me and blogging is the best way to do it because you can read it if you want and if you don’t want to, don’t. That way I don’t feel like I’m forcing things on anyone, or putting anything on anyone else. I’m just letting it out and that is the whole point.

Regardless, here goes. I have had this feeling for quite some time now. I am not sure when it started, or when it will end, but I think I have to figure it out before it gets any worse. I have issues, like anyone else, but lately I feel like my issues have been taken over by my feeling of responsibility for other’s issues. The problem is that I am letting this happen. I make everyone else’s problems mine when I have no business in them. I try and try and then I get pushed back and this has pretty much happened, my ENTIRE life. The crazy part about all this is I never realize it until it’s too late. I am now going to make reference (again) to the book I have been reading for over a year now, because I think I am finally getting it.

Chapter 8: Set Yourself Free; “Let go and Let God”

Chapter 10: Live your own life “The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs”. (Codependent No More; How to stop controlling others and Start caring for yourself. By: Melody Beattie).


That is just a small amount of what I think I am finally understanding about this book and the sad part is, now I want to start reading it from the beginning again. I read those chapters and at the end of the chapters they have activities to do to help you. At the time of reading the chapters, I guess maybe I wasn’t ready to do them. The word “Detach” was used a lot and it scared me. But I think I have hit that “wall” everyone talks about. At 31 I want/need to detach from people that are sucking the life out of me. I don’t want or need this stress and anxiety anymore. This doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore, this just means that I am finally seeing that being the “caregiver” to people who don’t care back is not doing anything for me but bringing me down and hurting me in the end. I hate that it took this long into my adult life to realize it, but I guess it’s better late than never.

I guess what I’m saying at this point is, it feels good to find what has been missing and it really shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize what it was. I have been missing from my life for quite some time now and I think it is high time to take myself back and bring me back to life. I deserve good and I deserve happy. I’m done with YOUR problems, it’s time to focus on my own..
Peace, love and DETACHMENT!