Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Hope is all I have

I have been attempting to start writing since Christmas, with no luck. I have so many things going on inside my head; I don't even know where to start. I guess since, it is a new year; I can begin with HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Since I gave up resolutions years ago, I really don’t have any to speak of. In my mind it is just a means for me to fail. (yea that’s my positive attitude)

I cry a little bit every New Year’s Eve because I know that this is another chance to start over. Even though I have 365 days to start over, it is very overwhelming for me. Every time a new year begins, I realize how I am not doing the things I always thought I would be doing by the time I hit 30. There are so many things I want to do and every year, I say this year will be my year and BAM 365 days later, i'm saying it again with nothing to show for it. It gets very frustrating. So instead of making a resolution, I will make a few HOPES for 2011.

For starters all I can hope for in 2011 is that perhaps it is better than 2010. Maybe some of my hopes will come true. Even if it’s just one that would be good enough for me. I hope Mason gets to start Kindergarten at a good school and he does well with the transition. I hope I do well with the transition. I hope my husband has a less stressful year and is able to enjoy things a little more and relax. I hope that I can get my health issues in check.

I hope that my Mimi gets a clean bill of health and her BIG C goes away quickly and she recovers well from it, because as selfish as this sounds, I don't know what I would do without her. I hope my mom's BIG C stays on the plateau it is on and she stays healthy, because again as selfish as this one sounds I do need my mommy. I hope my father in laws BIG C gets better and he has a great year and my mother in law stays healthy to take care of him.

I hope my newly married big sister has a wonderful first year of marriage with her new complete family. I hope my baby sister makes the right decision for her future and starts her life over the right way for the better and keeps herself on that road to her children. I hope she enters the real world again with lessons learned as a new woman with new priorities.

Most of all, I really hope that this year I can finally practice what I preach and realize that I am not responsible for anyone else but myself and my family. I am nobody else’s keeper. I need to finish my “Co-Dependent No More” book and accept the fact that I CANNOT fix everyone and it is not my fault if someone goes down the wrong road. I can’t control anyone. I will be a new Heather, that takes care of her boys and doesn’t feel the need to pick up the pieces of those who become broken by their own faults. I have my own pieces to tend to, thank you very much and I am wore out from that. I have been tending to other’s “pieces” for over 15 years and I just can’t do it anymore.

The love I have is all I can give, and to me, that is the most important.

Finally, I really hope that I can find something new in my life to enjoy in 2011, whether it is something for my whole family or just for me. I need NEWNESS!!

Lots of Peace & Love in 2011!