Friday, May 20, 2011

Inside my head

Sometimes, I can lose minutes of my day in thought. There is never enough paper to write it all down. There are no words or even too many words; regardless it only makes sense to me. This in turn, becomes scary to share with anyone else. BUT, that is what I started this blog for. To share things, to heal, and to let things out that I otherwise would probably get in trouble or freak people out, if I said it to people face to face. I wrote most of this on April 20, 2011. I know I know, 4.20 yes but it was actually on my lunch break at work. I was having a rough week that week and I put my head phones on (Paramore) and this is all that came out clear, reading it now a month later. Most of the time, there is no cause for the effects of my moods or lack there of, which makes it hard to explain. So I honestly don’t remember the 20 minutes it took me to blurb all of this down on paper. But I literally just came out and no I am sharing it. So here you go. Some craziness brought to you by Heather.

(Written On April 20, 2011)
My mind won’t stop. I try to shut it down, but it just moves faster. I am starting to feel behind and lost. I don’t know how to catch up to my thoughts. The world is moving faster than I can go. Everyone else seems to be happy all the time. Why do I feel like I am a mess? I can’t even begin to slow down. I feel like I have so much more to offer and I am just keeping everything locked up. I am afraid to let it all out; it scares me to even attempt to be myself in front of everyone else. The only time I feel real is when the pen hits the paper. I know who I am then, and sometimes that is a stranger even to me.

I know this girl who is a stranger to most. I talk to her often and she listens, but it is hard to let her out. She frequents my mind and lives in my heart. She is scary sometimes, but I am never afraid because I know her better than anyone. She tells me her darkest secrets because she knows she can trust me to keep them and I will never judge her. She is my best friend and my worst enemy at the same time. Only she knows the answers to my questions. Only she knows what I am really thinking, without having to say it out loud. The moment the pen hits the paper, is when she appears. She is honest and sincere in her words. She is someone that only I can really see inside because this girl is me….