Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Sucks for me!

Do you ever think to yourself “today is the day”? Today is the day I change, or today is the day I do something right? I do EVERY SINGLE DAY! It made me think this morning, that I am my worst critic. I am always arguing with myself. No Heather you can’t possibly do that. Heather you have issues and there is no help for you. Heather you are never going to get what you want. I say it to myself so much that I believe it and I assume everyone else feels that way too. If I hate things that I do, everyone must hate it too, right? I don’t want to talk to anyone about it because I just assume what their feelings will be. The biggest reason is I am afraid of what someone else’s feelings might be. While I love having time alone, I have realized, I hate being alone with my thoughts. They are dangerous to me, always keeping me awake and making me think about things that I don’t want to think about. I am beginning to see a pattern. I WANT to be alone, but then when I am alone, I just want to go to sleep almost so that I can shut my brain off. It just never works in my favor and it is at the point now where it is driving me completely insane. I have been trying for years to get myself out of this darkness, and it seems I get close to the light and someone or something pushes me back in. I think of the Creepy Santa on “A Christmas Story” pushing his nasty boot up against my forehead so I slide back down (it is funny, admit it). I have said it before and I will say it again, I have a great life and family, I am in no way complaining. It’s just how do you explain what goes on in your head to someone who just doesn’t get it? Or perhaps doesn’t want to hear it? I think in order to be truly happy, EVERY aspect needs to be a good fit. If one thing is bringing you down, it tends to bring everything else down right on top of you. In my case there is ONE thing, one big thing that is probably the most important thing in order to get by in life, which I am terribly unhappy with. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and I just want to keep driving once I get there. I want to cry all day and just feel all out miserable. That cannot be healthy and I know that. But what does a responsible adult do? Walk away? I have tried, I have tried to replace it and there came the boot again right on my face! I could not contain my happiness when I thought I finally found an out and then BAM gone again. I don’t know what to do anymore about it, except accept it and try and be happy. Fake it till you make it right? Peace n Love