Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Is worry really a Sin?

So The Scream by Edvard Munch has always been my favorite painting. I am not sure that it is because I always feel stressed or not, but I have always loved it. When I was in high school I had this little blow up scream guy that I would keep in my room and I really would use it to hit things when I was upset or felt the need to scream but didn't want to get yelled at for being so loud inside the house. I am really not sure what happened to that thing, but I really miss it. With that, here goes my next rant:

Is worry really a sin? If so man am I in trouble. My nerves are kicking my ass right now. I know there are a few things that are probably making my nerves react this way and I am not blaming anyone, because this is my own fault really. I have always been the person that gets involved in everyone’s problems, especially family. I love my family sometimes so much I just cannot control myself and have to insist on trying to help them. CODEPENDENT MUCH? Yea, needless to say my book has taken and backseat and I have to admit, I know I am this way, but no book is going to be able to stop me. I want to save the world and everyone in it, but when it comes to my family I jump in without even looking.

Thank GOD for the wonderful husband that I have, because he knows me all too well and wants to help me along the way. It really is no good to have two codependents in a household, especially when one of them (me) is thick headed. He loves me and in turn he loves my family just as much as I do, and I feel the same way about his family. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. After all we vowed to spend forever together and it would really suck to hate each others families.

There comes a time in life (well mine at least) where you start questioning everything that exists. As soon as one thing goes wrong in my life, I immediately try and figure out why it has gone wrong and then I proceed to try and fix it. As soon as one thing gets fixed, something else breaks and so on and so on. You get the picture right?

I care, for just about everyone and everything. Sometimes I wish I was heartless, but that just wouldn’t be me. I was that kid that tried to save the baby bird and nurse it back to life after it fell out of the tree. I am now the adult that skims Craigslist to see if I can help anyone find their lost pet. If you need something and I don’t need it, I would give it to you. If you needed an organ and I had a healthy enough one to spare, I would totally give it to you. I am seriously that kind of person.

For once I would love to wake up one morning and (excuse the language) not give a shit about anything. I have tried and I will be damned if that just adds more to worry about. My parents have always labeled me as the “worry wart” of the family, but it really has not come clear to me until the past few years of my life. I guess I’m trying to make it look okay that I am the way I am. I have been this way my whole life and I am thinking it is probably too late to change now, even if I wanted to.

Well, thanks for reading, that is all for now.

Peace Love and Love..

Thursday, July 7, 2011

What for what?

I know that everyone is angry about the Casey Anthony verdict. I have read a few blogs speaking about Caylee and how there has not been justice for her and I DO agree with that. Instead of doing my usual tearful blog, I am not going to talk about Caylee yet, even though I am sure I will have something along that topic soon enough. I just wanted to do a little comparison to try and put this whole thing into perspective for both myself and others.

I will start with saying I believe she is GUILTY AS SIN, but sadly my opinion does not matter and neither does yours anymore. She will be set free and she could honestly go live on TV and say “yea I did do it haha” and NOBODY can do anything about it. The fact of the matter is that this is the justice system that we all live within and respect (most of us). I went to school majoring in Psychology and Criminal Justice and learned all about the ins and outs of this system. Sadly even though I wanted to believe that the jury would find her guilty, I knew they could not convict her.

Though we all feel that our justice system has failed, and we all pretty much KNOW that all signs point to her guilt, our justice system has freed a lot of people that were wrongly accused, back before DNA and all scientific stuff starting coming into play. There have been many people that have actually been wrongfully convicted for crimes and have spent half or more of their lives behind bars away from their families and the outside world. The sad thing is a lot of them are still behind bars.

My younger sister had never been in trouble in her life, got a little out of hand and got arrested for the first time. The first time! She got the full sentence and spent the last 3 years of her life behind bars. Now am I saying I think the system failed her? No, I think her life was saved because of it. She was punished for what she had done and will be working her ass off to rebuild and rekindle what has been lost from her life. There are rapists, child molesters and even still murderers walking our streets because of our justice systems flaws. It makes me angry, but the only thing I can keep telling myself is that we also have a lot of people that have gotten their lives back because of exoneration and evidence and good juries that follow the rules.

That jury had a very hard job. They have not failed us or Caylee Marie Anthony. They did the job that they were told to do, to the best of their ability with the evidence that was provided and yes she will go free. Many people dropped the ball in this case; witnesses and attorneys alike but it’s too late. All we can hope for now is that in some way or another the guilty pay and the not guilty are set free. Sadly in this case it was the opposite.

That is my rant for the day.

Peace, Love and May she be haunted daily and lose sleep over what she did

Friday, July 1, 2011

"Every little thing.. Is gonna be alright."

So, I recently turned 31 which for some reason seems harder to me than 30 did and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because my son is about to start KINDERGARTEN, or maybe it is just because it is one year older than last year, who knows. This year my birthday felt special in a different way. I wanted to cry alot and I felt very emotional during my weekend in Florida. I just watched Mason run along the beach without a care in the world and paid attention to every single detail of that weekend. I feel very lucky that I was able to make the trip on my own. Me and my little boy had some alone time in the car, that I will remember forever!

Perhaps this year felt special to me because for the first time in many years, I spent my birthday with my baby sister. She has been missing from my life all too long and I was very worried about her coming back into it. I have worked very hard at trying to distance myself from other people's lives so that I don't get too emotionally involved in something that I have no business being a part of and so far, I have been pretty successful at it. Until, my sister is involved (either one) that is when I find myself struggling to stay in my own realm. I have blogged about my need to care for everyone before, so I won't bore you with it again. Side note: I still haven't finished that damn book! But when I feel weak, I do take it out and begin where I left off and to me that does help ALOT.

I expected so much when seeing her. First and foremost I expected her to be some totally changed thug-like woman and she wasn't. Aside from some new vocabulary she had taken on, she was the same girl I missed, attitude and all. I stayed with her all weekend, taking her out to dinner, walking on the beach and even putting some loud ass make-up on my face (sorry). I enjoyed every minute of it, but when the time came for me to say goodbye I was worried with that same kind of worried I had years ago. I was just worried as I always am about my sisters and I had to tell myself that she can handle it, she has to and it isn't my place to try and handle it for her.

She finally got to visit with her babies this weekend and just hearing the happiness in her voice made me feel like that is what she needed to seal her deal of “Starting Anew” and to stay on the right track. She is with them where she belongs, even if it is just for a visit for now. She knows what she has to do to make it 100%. I have received so many texts from her and each one ends with "love you so much" and I believe her. Finally I took a breath and I feel like things just might be okay for a while, for once.

In closing for today, even though now that I have both my sisters in my life again, my stress and nerve level may go up, I feel like they are BOTH changing into the women that they deserve to be and their kids need them to be and perhaps I can finally let them fly from their "mama" sister nest and I won't have to worry much anymore (like that will stop me).

I love you both very much....

Peace, Love and Family (not matter how crazy it may be)