Tuesday, August 23, 2011

We can all be a little dark!

You know, I have gone my whole life trying to make sure that I NEVER hurt anyones feelings even if it meant that it would hurt me first. I have never in my life wanted to watch someone else cry in pain. In fact, just the sight of someone else crying kills me, I just cannot handle it. Call me a softy, no backbone, whatever, I am a freaking human being! I love everyone. I love people who DO NOT love me back and it does'nt matter to me. I get my feelings hurt so easily it's not even funny, honestly it's sad. I try to make others love me, or even like me for that matter. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Surprisingly, the people that I think would love me more easily DON'T! So screw'em yea I said that SCREW YOU!! You don't want anything to do with me because of your childhood hang-ups guess what FINE! You are grown, I am grown. I'm tired of trying to force the impossible! For ONCE I am going to say what is on my mind and I am not going to worry about what it does to someone else, because Lord knows you don't give a rats ass what you are saying and if it's going to hurt me. It takes alot to make me mad. I get pissed just like the next person, but I try to make peace first. It takes ALOT to bring me to the point of crazyness. Which brings me to what has happened inside me today.

I thought that it was the greatest thing when I found someone who in my mind was a long lost part of my heart. I had these childish dreams that we would all become close and life would be different because that "hole" in my heart was filled. I was wrong, I honestly believe that I should have left well enough alone. It is not my part to force things in life. We share a dad and I guess, that is all we share.. Or sperm-donor, or dead beat, of piece of shit! Whatever the hell you want to call him. I was not around when your heartbreak happened and if I had been, I would have tried my hardest to help that from happening. So don't punish me because he was my father too. Don't punish be because you want to blame everything that went wrong in your life on him. I am sorry he did what he did, but I have no reason to be punished. He suffered and he died! I bet a part of you is happy that is the way he died. After what you said today, alot of me believes that is your thought.

I was angry with him, when I first spoke with you and I still am, but you have no right to talk about him like you did. NO RIGHT! You will meet your maker one day and regardless of what you do in life, if you don't change your ways you will ALWAYS be asking why! I tried! I tried so damn hard to make you be a part of things. I gave you space. I gave you time. I worried about you. If you had any care, you would not have said the things you said about the only man that I ever trusted before my husband. If you were the person I had hoped to God you were going to be, you would not have disrespected the man that I watched die of cancer. No, if you were you would let him rest in piece and be the grown man I had hoped you were.

He was my father and he took care of me and I will be damned if you will talk about him in the manner that you have! Beat him bloody!? You just walked away for ever! It's too late. Everyone says things that they don't mean, but they fix it themselves. I will not reach out anymore. Things are going to change in my heart! The door has just slammed on your hand! You make your descisions and then ask "WHY"!

Anger and hurt

(Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone. It's MY therapy afterall, it really doesn't have to!)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Blood or water, it doesn't matter

I honestly have no idea where I am going to go with this blog today. There is a lot on my mind and I really need to get it down and out before it drives me completely insane. It may not make sense to anyone, but me so if you get confused just know you are probably not the only one. I will start with this:

Codependency as defined by the dictionary is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.

Now, that being said here is my explanation of why I have chosen to blog about that evil word again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since my baby sister (I will always refer to her as such) is going to be coming to live with me. A lot of the thinking is like strange childish stuff, like just not having the relationship with my sisters that I should have always had. Growing up we had no choice but to be close because we all lived in the same house, but as we all got older, things just moved around and so did our lives. I feel like I work overtime trying so hard to get the love back that I missed growing up with them. Whether I am a co-dependent person or not it still hurts to not have that. In a way, I feel like taking care of them now, might help me achieve it.

I feel like I am finally figuring things out with my “caregiver” ways. I by no means had a bad childhood either, so don’t get the wrong idea here. However, there was a lot of tension growing up. Whether someone was getting in trouble for doing the wrong things or what, there just felt like there was always tension. My dad was not the easiest man to get along with and he really was not the hugs and kisses type of daddy either. He was only that way the last few years of his life, when he (I think) realized that things just were not perfect with his children and he wanted to make it better. Although he was successful (in my eyes) in showing as much love as he could, I think it was too late. To put it bluntly, we were already screwed up and way beyond fixing. Now that we are grown, I think it has been the realization of all that it may be time to attempt to figure things out and fix ourselves, some more than others.

I have wanted my relationship so badly from my sisters that I feel like I have been interviewing friends all the time. At one point I honestly thought that I was becoming interested in women (not that it is a bad thing, just not my thing), but then I realized that I was just trying to find someone to love, care and worry for me like a sister should. I rarely have a good relationship with a girl because of my crazy obsession with this. I end up trying to take care of them or telling them what to do or something overbearing that I have no place doing, which in the end just embarrasses me. I have never been able to get along with many girls either. I mean, yes I am a girl but most other girls annoy me with their pink and pretty girly ways. Don’t get me wrong, I like girly things too, but I just can’t relate to that kind of stuff. I don’t do my hair, I rarely do my nails, and I prefer long boy shorts and sneakers over skirts and heels.

Now that I am a grown woman, I keep telling myself I need to move on and let things go, but I just can’t. I play the go between with my sisters and somehow that makes me feel good, because I am constantly trying to FIX their relationships while harboring my own. I can’t stand it when they are mad at me, no matter what I say to the contrary. I would never say anything, that would make them sad or hurt their feelings. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.

Now that I will have my sister living with me, I guess I am just hoping that for once, maybe we can have a relationship that I have wanted for so long. A relationship that we should have always had. We are grown women, why can’t we just be grown women sisters that love each other no matter what stupid mistakes we HAVE made and move on. After all blood, water it really doesn't matter, love is love is love..

Not sure if that was a successful blog or not, but this session has ended. Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and another blog about sisters.