Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Puppy love never fades

I could go on for days talking about my beloved Zack, but for now I will start with this.. Thank you for readin in advanced and I'm sorry if there are tears..

I am trying not to cry anymore, because I know how uncomfortable that made him. He would always try to get as close to my face as possible, as if to try and figure out where the water was coming from. I feel in a way that he ran away and I am just waiting for someone to return him home. It seems childlike to talk this way, but there is just something missing from my life now that nothing can replace.

From the day I brought him home, I knew we would be together always, nothing could separate us. He slept in my bed every night. He watched TV with me. He would lay at my feet when I would be up late studying. He went to college a few times. He let me know when he DID NOT like a guy I would bring home, and a lot of the time I listened to him. He helped me find the funny in everything, including messes that he made on the floor and holes he would dig in the yard. He was literally my little black shadow. He always wanted to protect me no matter how big the enemy was. He traveled the United States with the only other man he would allow in my life and loved every minute of it. I am pretty sure he ate rat poisoning along with all kinds of garbage and things I am not even sure of. Nothing got him down.

I learned how to splice many wires to perfection because he chewed up just about every vacuum cord he could get is little jaws on. He never listened all that well. He loved to venture to unknown territory even if it pissed me off. I looked all night in the rain to find him four houses down the road just sniffing around. He was wild and crazy for many years, but always slept in the same spot at night (balled up in the small of my back). He was not too happy when I brought the baby human home, but he loved and protected him always.

As years passed, Zack got older and it started to show. The jumping on and off the bed and furniture was taking a toll on him and I could tell. He didn’t want to play all that much, but there always would be a night that he would find his favorite toy (little Caesar’s pizza man) that he has had since day 1 and would toss it up on the couch to play fetch. The only toy he never destroyed, it was kind of like his teddy bear. His 5-10 rounds of fetch had now turned into about 2 or 3, but it made me happy to see him enjoying himself even if it was only a few times here and there. He tired out a lot quicker and wanted to sleep and be alone a lot more.

Zack made me a dog person. He was the hardest dog to train. He was the most spiteful dog I had ever met. He hated to be ignored and not the center of attention. The only dog I have met that (when annoyed with mommy) took every single toy piled them in the middle of the room (or on my bed one day) and peed all over them all at once. I didn’t yell at him very much, because he took a lot of crap from me. He would sit on my foot so he wouldn’t slide across the floor and most of all he loved me and everyone around him no matter what. He just wanted to be loved and he was and always will be. Though it hurts to have said goodbye, I know with time it will get better. Now he can make his messes wherever he wants, eat whatever he can and play with as many friends as he wants. I hope he forgives me for what I had to do and understands that it was for the best. Whether it’s a rainbow bridge or a big field of grass (full of cicadas) I know he will be much happier and waiting for me when my time comes. To the dog that was never really a dog but my furry human that stayed by my side through thick and thin, tears and anger, sickness and health, death did us part, but not forever. I will miss your sweet personality the most.

I will end this blog with the part that I love the most from the “Rainbow Bridge Poem”.

Peace love and unconditional love.
RIP Zachary..

“They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.”

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Going to sleep to dream

I know I’ve talked about my dreams before. I am always trying to interpret them in my own mind. Sometimes I come up with some strange off the wall interpretation and

then again sometimes it seems like it could work. For instance, nine times out of ten, my dreams include my father. Over the past six months or so I have been angry with him, even in my dreams and he never seems to explain himself to me or help me understand. That is a whole other blog. Today is a totally different kind of dream and surprisingly daddy wasn't in it.

If you are a close friend or you follow my blogs, you know that I can no longer have babies. I made this decision along with my husband and my doctor and we decided it was just better for my health to stop at one. It was a really hard decision that I did not take lightly and if I could go back and change it I totally would. So obviously this is something that weighs on me all the time, sometimes more than others.

Recently my best friend found out she is going to have a baby. I was so happy for her when she told me, it brought tears to my eyes. I think some of those tears were a little bit of jealousy tears too, but I love her and I know how badly she wants another baby so I am ecstatic. Ok back on track here.

Thursday night I had a very real dream that I was pregnant. I felt every bit of the dream. It wasn't just any dream either; I woke up the next morning with tears in my eyes and sick to my stomach, took a breath and got up to start my day. The meaning of the dream didn't come until later in the day. Friday, Mason, my only child ever graduated preschool. I know it's just preschool, but I think subconsciously the dream I had was my mind realizing that my baby is growing up so fast and I can't control it! This was the first time I think my dream interpretation was 100% right on. I think it is high time for me to take in every day and go by that cliché phrase Carpe Diem. I need to seize every single moment I have with that little boy even though (as he says) he will always be my baby.

I just wanted to share that. One of the many reasons, I love to sleep. Sometimes dreams are very real..

Peace Love and seize the moment...