Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Pre-New Year's Rant

So every year comes to an end and everyone is talking about what their New Year’s Resolution is going to be. Some will start diets that will ultimately fail, attempt to quit smoking, drinking, be a better person, stop cursing so much etc. I used to make a New Years resolution myself every year; normally it was to stop saying the F-word so much (if you know me, you know that didn’t stick). I remember one year it was to quit smoking, which I ended up doing, just not that year. I resolved to try and take better care of myself, be nicer to everyone etc. I think I just about hit them all. Over the past few years, I have resolved to not make a resolution and that always worked out pretty well for me. Being in a family that is full of the addictive personality gene, giving up something only makes me want it more anyway. I won’t give up anything, I will not say goodbye to any bad habits that I may have. To me my habits (good or bad) make me the person I am, and if you don’t take the good with the bad, then what else do you have? All good is boring and all bad is just stressful. Ok, enough of my pre-rant.

This year has not been all bad, but it also hasn’t been all good either. I have definitely had worse, that is for sure. This year another person I love got smacked with the Big C, which really brought a lot of stress and anxiety to the whole family. Anytime I hear anyone talk about Cancer, all I can think of it my family and how we have all had to endure the pain of losing daddy and watching mommy suffer. Then Mimi got smacked with it too which just puts the icing on the cake. I feel like I was very lucky to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Florida, which rarely happens. I wish we could all have one of those HUGE both sides of the family Christmas dinners, that way you could be with everyone you love all at the same time, but living 12 hours away makes that pretty difficult. Either way, I got to spend equal amounts of time with everyone in my family this year.

Christmas was a great time for Mason and that is all that matters to me at this point in my life. I just want my boy to be happy, I don’t want him to see anyone cry or be hurt or see pain. Yes, I guess you could say that I do want him to be sheltered a bit. I think I did pretty good though, I only halfway lost it on Christmas day and I believe I have held it together for the most part since then. I have had a few tears to myself here and there, but nothing like it could be. I honestly have no idea where I am going with this blog. I had a few ideas swimming around when I started typing it up yesterday, and then a few others today so I guess right now, I am just going to throw them in the same blog and be happy with it. Ok, back on track.

So this year, I think I will make a New Years resolution for once. Nothing too deep, that will make we want to screw it up on January 2nd, just something that is broad that I can do myself and not have to involve anyone else to bring me down or make it sound good or bad. 2012 is going to be my year of fixing. Yup MYSELF, I have to fix me. Are you broken? You ask. Yes, yes I am broken in many places and ways. Before I can help or “fix” anyone else. The bottom line is I am unhappy inside and with a lot of aspects of my life. If there was a possibility that I could get up one morning and just say screw it, lock myself and my family in and never go back out, I totally would and I could be happy for the rest of my life. I have to stop finding excuses for things and just live. All the sadness in my life should be boosting me up to see clearly that my little family and I are all healthy and we need to stay that way. Who knows when our last day will be.

My goal for 2012 is to start loving myself for once. I want to look in the mirror and not cringe or get up in the morning and be happy to be there. I need newness, I need a clean slate to begin again and I really believe that if I can stick with it, 2012 will be a good year for me. I will be healthy and happy no matter what goes on around me. If things get hard, I will find other ways to deal, maybe I will buy a punching bag, or some boxing gloves. I will deal with life in the manner in which I know how, yet rarely use. I don’t want to wake up one morning and be forced to change. The way I see it, if I change myself on my own, then there will be no forcing. I will be on the road to happy again, because I lost happy a long time ago and I really need it back.

That’s all for now, sorry I jumped around so much, there will be more to come of this…

Peace, Love and resolve….