Monday, March 4, 2013

Defense, not just a sports term.

I have recently (over the past few months) realized that I am becoming very defensive these days. Now, this happens to everyone, however I am usually the one that calms down those playing defense. I am not sure why this is happening, but I have a little theory that I suppose I will share. Choices…. Recent choices that I have made, though are for the betterment of my son’s and my happiness and sanity, I believe they are becoming very stressful to my husband, (yea, I am going here again by all means stop reading). I was totally fine with it in the beginning and while I am continuously happy and comfortable I know my husband is not. Which makes me, in turn, strike back at him even when he is just asking a question. So let’s take for instance, a recent dialogue: Hubby: What do you think you will be making this month? Me: Ugh, here we go again! Probably the same as last month Jaime! (using his name usually signals I am being a bitch). Then we continue on with him just trying to calm me down, when really all he did was ask a question to know what our budget looks like. So yes, pretty much everything in my life lately has come down to money, which is what most working class people can say. My theory? Well my theory is that deep down, I know that I did not make the smartest FINANCIAL choice, I was thinking like a mother, and every time my husband honestly is just asking a question that has nothing to do with pointing fingers, I fly off the handle and flip out and in the end I am apologizing for my reaction (which is the least of my problems). The biggest problem is it is my fault that he is stressed. Even though, I am doing everything I can in every waking minute of my day to prove to him this was a good family choice all around and we just need to cut back on some things, in my mind, I screwed up royally. He has not in any way made me feel that way. I made promises that I have been struggling to keep. My son, on the other hand is the happiest kid in the world for the most part and I just wish that was enough. I guess I am just writing this to share my realization that even in the greatest of loving situations, it just takes one half of that couple to start a fight or an argument, but as soon as you realize there was no fight to begin with and you are just being defensive then perhaps that argument or misunderstanding can be kept at bay. That was my vent…. Peace and love….