Just one of those days where I want to say what is on my mind. There is really so much in my head that it is hard to put it words. All last week, I attempted to start writing. I started something about my dad for Father's day, then I started one for my husband for Father's day. Never finished them. I feel like I am getting back into my old habits again, of not writing down what I am feeling. I was doing really well with it in the beginning.
I feel numb today. Numb in my mind with pain elsewhere. I want to cry but laugh instead. I want to talk about it but tend to scream. The fear of the unknown, I believe is getting to me. Not knowing is the hardest part. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring is just a part of life and I understand that, but I can't shut off my mind from thinking about it.
There is one thing I HAVE actually been doing and that is reading. I have been reading my book every chance I get and it is really making things seem so clear to me these days. It makes me sit back and realize who I am, this late in the game. Is it late, or is it just in time? Why not start fresh in a new decade? Why not? I will. That is my plan. If I can just get my mind through this week and be put at ease. If...
So, my husband called me on my attitude this weekend. I have been kind of well, bitchy for lack of a better term since I have been having these whatever problems, I hve been having. I always know when he is over it, because he gets this look on his face and he waits until he just can't take anymore. I don't blame him! I can't believe he waited this long without saying anything. I immediately apologized for my behavior, and he immediately said he understood. I try.. I really do.. Maybe I need to try harder. Maybe. I love him so....I will just apologize again next time..
THAT'S ALL.. THANKS FOR READING.
PEACE LOVE AND I HATE MY HAIR!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
My whole life I have always been a “worry wart”. My parents always told me this. My mom actually started calling me “hypo Heather”, which I always just kind of brushed off as funny. Well, come 2003 after daddy died and mom got diagnosed, she thought I was “hypo heather” then? Well, look out! Every little swollen gland when I’m sick, every ache, in my head is CANCER! I always just thought that a hypochondriac was just someone who always THOUGHT they were sick, but the definition takes it to a whole other level, sadly my level. I have never actually looked up what a Hypochondriac was until today:
Hypochondriac: A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health.
The hypochondrium is the anatomic area of the upper abdomen just below (Greek "hypo" meaning "below") the cartilage (Greek "chondros" meaning "cartilage") of the ribs. Hypochondriasis was thought by the ancients to be due to disturbed function of the spleen and other organs in the upper abdomen.
Right. So, there you have it! That is me in a nutshell. I drive myself totally crazy. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had my share of legitimate problems, BUT all tests have always come back normal and I keep thinking “what if they missed something”! I am trying my damndest to get these crazy thoughts out of my head. So that is the explanation for half of my brain working the way it does...
The other half is ANXIETY! We all have it from time to time. Mine kicks in normally at night when it is quiet and I can’t fall asleep. “Oh my gosh, James said he was on his way home, it normal takes him 20 minutes... it has been 25 what if he is dead on the side of the road and no one sees him”. Morbid right? A normal person might think he must be stuck in traffic, or a jealous wife would think, that bastard is running around on me. NOT THIS GAL! Nope. HE DEAD! Automatic thought... CREEPY! So there are drugs for that and yes they do help most of the time. But I am beginning to feel certifiably crazy these days.
I have made a decision over the past month to throw myself into things. First, to take care of my wandering mind, with a book on Buddhism this was very peaceful and interesting but SLOW. Then my sister in law told me about another book, that I immediately read a sample of and said “wow that is totally me”, it is called Codependent No more and it speaks to me and makes so much sense. I need to take care of me and what’s mine and stop worrying about everything else that I have NO control over. So I have that going for me. Now onto the other half of my plan, my body. So I have decided (now don’t laugh) to take on Roller Derby. I will let you digest that for a second.
There are two things, I have always been good at in my life; skating and getting hit! It’s true. I took martial arts for 10 years or so and even though I hated every second of it. When I got in the ring to spar, I just enjoyed getting hit rather than hitting back. My dad used to scream at me from the side lines “you have to hit back!!” Now, don’t get me wrong, there is danger in the Derby, but that is not even the part that scares me. What scares me is failing at yet another “thing” in my life. I think that FINALLY I have found something that could make me so happy and fit while, doing what I have always loved at the same time, incorporating some things I learned from my dad’s pushy behavior.
So there you have it. It has been a while since I have blogged, because I have had so many things going through my head that it is too chaotic to put down in words. I am ready to start a new on June 28, 2010, my 30th birthday I will become, Heather Hodge; the less worrying, physically and mentally fit mama and wife. That is all!
Peace, Love, and the occasional black eye.