Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Mother's Day=HeartBreak

Realizing I have not written anything since October, kills me inside. Looking at the last post to my blog pisses me off because I totally let that project go. I think I will use the excuse that work got busy and took my free time. Yes, that will work for me. I have a lot going on in my head and it may not make sense to you, but then again I started this blog to help me, so it’s just not about you, now is it? I just have a lot to process and this is normally the best place for me to do it, so..Here we go..
I am having a harder time this year with Mother’s Day coming up than I did last year. I think perhaps I was still in the numb/denial stage possibly? Wait, I am still in the numb/denial stage. WHEN DOES THIS STAGE END??  I know there is no timeline on grief, I get that, right now I wish I could get that part of my brain frozen or removed so that I don’t have to think about it so much.

I get constant reminders on social media of what was going on this time last year. While it upsets me at first, it is helping me get through this by actually attempting to process it.  I have pictures of her everywhere, hell I even wear her shoes. (Not being morbid, I had started wearing them prior to her passing). I don’t even want to celebrate Mother’s Day, knowing that I am a mother, and that I have a mother-in-law, it’s just not the same. I try and make it into a day about me, but it ends in heartbreak because I always think about her.

On the other hand, thank God I have my grandmother, because I don’t know where the hell I would be emotionally without her. I wish she wasn’t so far away, so that I could just go hug her and cry on Mother’s Day, because I know she gets it. Every time she calls me, she apologizes for bothering me, when in fact it was perfect timing almost like she needed to call me to talk me down without knowing it.  We have always had a special bond me and my Mimi and all I can think of these days is what the hell will I do when I don’t have her? I can’t help but think that, because let’s face it, my life has been a whole lot of death lately.

There are days when I just feel alone, where a phone call just doesn’t fix it and I want to roll over and go back to sleep because I think the outside world is better off not crossing my path. I get so angry, because I have always been the supporter for everyone and yet where is my support? If I had support would I even accept it? Probably not, I am so stubborn that I would just say my normal “I’m ok, but thanks”. I don’t want to be anyone’s problem. I am enough of my own problem that I just can’t deal with.
And just like that, I have run out of words… Peace n Love