Thursday, April 12, 2012

Not anymore

I believe in alcohol. No I am not drunk, but I have had 3 glasses of my favorite brand of wine, Relax, which is appropriate for how it makes me feel. Alcohol makes you honest even when you don’t want to be honest. It has been called a “truth serum” or “pain reliever” and man do I believe that. That is why when someone has a bad day they turn to alcohol. That is exactly what I did today. I have been having a bad day every day lately and you know what I am done having bad days. So drink I will. I KNOW I am a good person. Not because I have never done anything wrong, because in my mind, I have done plenty wrong in my time, but I have always been there for everyone, before myself. I would save half dead birds in my back yard when I was growing up. I wanted to save the damn world and everyone in it. That was my job in life, so I thought, until now. No matter what I said out loud, I was a follower and never a leader (man that hurts coming out). If someone was upset, I made them feel better. If I got angry and actual SAID what I meant, look out because then I would feel bad for upsetting someone else and apologize. Did you get that? I would apologize for being upset or angry or FEELING anything. That’s me! The worst part about it, was those around me knew how I was and laughed right in my face when I ever showed anger, “Oh look at Heather she is trying to be a bitch, how funny”. NOPE not anymore! I am a grown woman and I deserve to feel things too. If you want to wipe your feet on my doormat you best keep walking because I picked that up months ago. You’re not welcome here anymore. I have always been an honest helper, peacemaker, go between, scapegoat, whatever you want to call me I have never asked for ANYTHING in return, NEVER. I have cried painful tears. I have wanted to hurt people, I have wanted to hurt myself more times than I would like to admit and before I had my husband, who did I have? NOBODY! That is the honest truth. I was always afraid to say these types of things, but this is the new (maybe not) improved Heather. I have been in pain too, but you don’t see me falling back on excuses to screw up my life do you? NOPE! Yea let me ring my bell really quick. Sometimes I wish I had excuses to just give it all up, that would make life a lot easier, but that is not what grown up adults do, we forge on and keep going. I remember EVERYTHING, good or bad, that has ever happened to me. I am not sure if that is a gift or a curse. That is the dividing line between caring and not giving a shit. I have always tried so hard to find the good in everything and everyone. Sometimes, there just isn’t any good left and I just can’t put it there, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I am so tired. I am tired of caring, using up my good energy on bad. I have to move on and take care of my family and myself. I can’t keep erasing things and pushing them to the back burner that is just not how things work. Thank god for the fearless words that come out in my blogs, or I would lose it. So next time you do something that may affect someone else, try and think of that person before yourself, just for a second… that is call being a human with a heart, you should try it sometime. When you have time of course. Peace love and HONESTLY I’m done!

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Part 2 SADNESS of growing up

With the anger out of the way, now I will move on to ME. I am just plain and simple not happy these days (derr can ya tell?). I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways. I sit here thinking what would happen if I just packed up and relocated. Just out of the blue picked everything up and took off? I am sure some of you have thought the same thing. I joke all the time about buying an RV and making the road my home, like a band of gypsies and that makes me smile! I know that I SHOULD be happy, I have a great husband who takes very good care of his family I. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and plenty of love in my home. Is this just boredom? I have always learned that people appreciate true honesty rather than some clouded junk and if any of you REALLY know me, you know I don’t cloud much. As the world changes around us, our job is to change in certain ways to adapt to the world in which we live. However, some of us choose to stay the way we are and attempt to defy this. Don’t get me wrong, nobody should change who they are, I am 31 now and I still feel like I am the same person I was 20 years ago. The thing that happens when we become adults (responsible adults that is) is we change the way we see things, or the way we deal with things. I was talking with a friend of mine the other night and he told me that maybe I just need to sit back and look at what I do have and that usually helps him and to do what makes me happy. I think just for a moment, when I’m writing my mind actually becomes clear and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Writing is the one thing that has always made me happy. The only thing I have always had in my life for a release is writing. Sometimes I share, sometimes I write and then delete or put it away. This is what I enjoy, but I could never make money doing it because I am better at expressing what is inside me rather than writing on certain topics for the most part. I have grown up alot over the past 10 years. Am I still the same person that cracks jokes to make you laugh, Hell yes I am, but I am grown and responsible. Let’s take for instance when I became a mommy; I didn’t fight it, I just changed my ways like I was supposed to in order to take proper care of my child. Having a child isn’t just carrying it around for 9 months, popping it out feeding it and putting it to bed. Having a child is a LIFE-LONG commitment, not to be entered into lightly. There are so many things that you just CAN’T (or definitely shouldn’t) do when you are a parent. Don’t get me wrong, there are times if you get lucky enough, to go out and party or live it up for a night or two, but they are few and very far between. Your child is your responsibility for ever, even when they are grown and adults, they will still look to you for guidance. The reason I bring that up, is because that is the only time throughout my day that I feel like I am doing something right and something that I am happy and proud of. I am good at it! I love taking care of my son, and when he tells me he loves me it just makes it that much better. If only I could get paid to do that, right? So see, at this point my unhappiness has alot to do with what I like and don't like to do which in turn, I think still makes me kind of immature.. I think being slightly immature makes me a great mom. To me there just comes a time, when you need to pack up your toys, put away your crayons and grow up. To some people, growing up is an obvious step in life that they take and move on quickly. For others, it seems to be refused. I haven't refused it, I just refuse to be unhappy with it... Here's hoping my next blog is HAPPY!!! Peace Love and immaturity

Part 1 ANGER

If you haven’t noticed yet, my blogs are mostly angry or depressing. I rarely do one that is funny or entertaining. I save that for my notebook that I will use down the road when I finally get the gall up to stand up in front of an audience at an open mic night or something. As I have said before, you don’t go to therapy because you’re happy though do you? NOPE and this is my couch to lie on for free, here we go again!! Let me just get the anger out of the way first: I read another chapter in the book I have been reading on and off for the past 3 years or so (that’s just sad) on making decisions for yourself. I CAN make decisions. Not that I don’t make decisions, I totally do, but they are usually decisions that include my family or our lives as a whole. I do however; have a really hard time making decisions for myself. I don’t know if that is just something that comes with being married or that I have lost a lot of my independence or what, but I just can’t seem to make my own decisions. But I am going to attempt one that is very hard for me, right here and right now. I am no longer going to be a doormat, punching bag or something for you to shit on. I will no longer put up with less than what I give out. I am full of love and I spread it around to people that should be holding on to it and passing it back to me, but I don’t seem to get it back, especially since I have grown up. I am done! I am done being screwed, put in the corner, ignored, laughed at and down right treated like dirt. I am not that person anymore. I am the new improved Heather! You will not take advantage of me, you WILL respect me. I give everyone chances, over and over again and for what? To get shit on again!? NOPE not anymore. Yes, this may be about one specific person, and I am sure that person can see this, but this is for all those that have screwed me or taken advantage of me in the past or currently are, back up! The girl who once had a very limber backbone is new and improved! I am stronger than ever and I guess I have you all to thank FOR ONCE. I don’t deserve the treatment I receive, I deserve so much better and I will get that! I WILL! So don’t come knocking, don’t think, she’ll come around, because I won’t, I have turned the corner of not giving a shit and I like it here. Keep digging your holes deeper and deeper, because I have put up my shovel for GOOD! I believe blood is thicker than water, but I have enemies that have given me more respect then some of my blood! Moving on.....