Friday, May 28, 2010


I feel like I am ignoring you my sweet blog that listens to me and doesn't talk back or judge!! I have had alot going on both in and outside my head. My book finally came in the mail yesterday and I have already started reading it. It is called "Letting Go of the Person You Used To Be; Lessons on change, loss and spiritual transformation". It is written by Lama Surya Das who is a Buddhist. I am very intrigued by this book and will keep you informed. For today, I will just share what I have absorbed so far.

Das says: "Face your difficulties realistically, rather than withdrawing from them, and riches can be yours. When faced with pain and misfortune, simply stop and center yourself in the present moment, here and now; take a deep breath, sit down and concentrate; pray; or try to laugh, one way or another. Laugh the cosmic laugh, lighten up and be en-lightened".

This is something I need to learn. I need to stop living in my pain or sadness. I have to live in the NOW as they say. I have actually had to take a few deep breaths today and it really has helped. I will learn to build myself into the woman I know I can be.

and one more quote...

"When the heart grieves for what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what is left".



Thursday, May 20, 2010

The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind

Every morning for the past week, my alarm goes off at 6 a.m. I roll over, turn off the alarm and reset it for 6:45. I have so many things lingering in my mind that it is hard for me to go to sleep at night, which in turns makes it that much harder to roll out of bed in the morning. Then when I get up all I want to do is go back to bed all day long. Where did my motivation go? Well, technically I never really had any, but what I had went down the crapper this past week. I guess being that I have a lot on my mind and am trying to do so many things, I am kind of stressed in a way, which then brings out a little bit of a depression, which I have always learned to live with. So, when I was slowly getting ready for work this morning I overheard that the Dalai Lama was going to be on the Today show for his first live interview ever and with the magic of the Internet, I was able to watch it today at work while eating my lunch.

He sat in his chair legs crossed in his lap, like a child answering all the questions that were asked of him so quickly and honestly as if he already knew they would be asked. He was so calm with every answer it amazed me. He said so many things that even though they were answers to questions having to do with our world and tragedy, I could relate those answers to my every day life. He said: The news media only highlights the negative things about the world and the positive things are taken for granted. (The biggest reason why I try to keep away from watching the news anymore) The problems facing the world may seem overwhelming, but basically these problems are temporary, other than natural catastrophes, most are man made, and our own creations. So logically, we also have the ability to work on these problems.

My takeaway point from his interview was actually some advice he had been given from an older Buddhist priest years ago; he said:

“When tragedy happens, and there is a way to overcome that tragedy, then there is no use in worrying. When tragedy happens, and there is not a way to overcome that tragedy, then there is no use worrying.”

Among other powerful things that he said, that one just stuck with me. I worry way too much, as my husband tells me and really it is an uncontrollable thing that I have always had to deal with since I was very young. My parents always called me the “worry wart” of the family. I would worry about my family, my friends, their family, their pets, their pet’s families... You get the idea. I continue to be that person and have such a struggle day to day trying to stop my mind from running into worries. It is only natural as a mother to worry about my family, but when your mind makes up these catastrophic scenarios it just becomes downright unhealthy. I never thought that I would be so interested in what the Dalai Lama had said, but now I want to read books on his religion. I want to see his teachings, because I think that my life just might benefit from it. I feel like a better person having listened to what he said today and I plan on keeping what he said close to my heart in hopes that it may help me move forward in a positive manner in my life.

Peace, love and useless worrying.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My first Amendment

I started my blog last month, because I just wanted an outlet. I have always wrote in a journal pretty much since I can remember, but I had gotten to the point where it just was not helping anymore to put it on paper and shut the book. Then I started thinking, if I wrote a blog, at least I would know that there is SOMEONE that is reading it, even if there are no comments. I know that there is at least one person out there reading this stuff. I may sound like I am complaining, or whining or whatever, but this is my therapeutic way of getting things off my chest. Some things are about others, some are just about what is going on in my life. It is all truth though and I think that is what is so great about it. I don’t have to lie, I can tell the truth without leaving out any of the rough details. Nobody’s life is perfect! There is nobody out there that has not had some sort of heartache one time or another. Everyone needs an outlet and this is mine. Since I started, I have been able to let a lot of things out and my head has actually cleared a lot of clutter. I have gotten things off my chest and I have finally been able to deal with more important things in my life, like my family and things that make them happy.

I have gone around my whole life doing as I was told by my parents and doing everything I could to make them happy, whether or not it made me happy. I was always the “good daughter”, so to speak and for the first time, I have realized, I am a grown woman now; and I am not here to please anymore. What a relief! I got married over 5 years ago and I am now realizing that? I had my own son over 4 years ago and I am now realizing that. WOW! My poor family! I have not been 100% here for them in a long time and I realize this now. I have been too depressed, or too sad, or angry to do anything with my son. I just blow it off on my husband and that is not fair.

I am going to be 30 years old next month and I am turning over a new leaf! I have wasted too much time trying to DO for everyone else’s happiness. It is my turn now! I am going to be the mother and wife I know I can and should be. No more of this walking on eggshells to please those who don’t support me, but belittle me. No more crying over it! No more! I am done with that aspect of my life and starting fresh!

I am a smart, woman who is very much loved and cared for.
I am me.
Like it or leave it that is all.
I am not perfect to you, but just enough for me.
I am not beautiful, but I make him happy.
I am me.
Love me or hate me, that is all.

Thank you for Reading..

Peace N love!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Baby Mania

Over the past month or so, just about every female acquaintance I may have on FaceBook has become “with child”. It is like one after the other! And while I am so happy for them all, I am overcome with my own sadness.

The happiness is because I was blessed to have been able to feel the magic, that is, a baby growing inside. There were so many emotions that came over me the day I found out I was pregnant; feat, excitement, anxiety, etc. I was surprised for the most part, because so many of the doctors that I had seen over the years told me that it would be hard for me to get pregnant if I could at all. So in my eyes this was a miracle in the first place. I literally was in shock and had no idea what kind of reaction to give the nurse. So I said “no, I’m not”, but she brought me back and showed me the pregnancy test and it was boldly positive.

The day I felt the first real kick, I knew it was actually real. I was officially going to become a mommy. Not to mention the day I saw him on the ultrasound and was told he was a boy! What I am getting at is all of the emotions you have at that point are just mind blowing and totally uncontrollable. I mean I never knew that there would come a day when I could not describe how I was feeling in any way.

Now, to why I feel sadness. I don’t think about it all that much since my hysterectomy, but the thought crosses my mind from time to time; obviously there will be no more babies for me. Don’t get me wrong, the decision was a hard one and took a lot of deliberation, but the decision was made, that there would be no more children because I had lived with the pain long enough. So October 21, 2008 I went in to have it done.

It was an indescribable feeling when I woke up from surgery that day. From that day forward, I just have not been the same person. It was like they took my heart out with everything else. Some days, I almost think I would rather be in pain again, rather than having to deal with the hormone crazed mania I run into. Some days I want to stay in bed and just let the world go on around me. Then, there are other days when I cannot shut up and will totally talk you head off if given the chance. There is never just a neutral day anymore.

Today, I want a baby and I know I can’t have one, and well, that makes me so very sad. But, I will go home tonight, jump into bed with my beautiful little boy and just hug and kiss him over and over because I know that there will be a day that he understands how very much he means to me…

Peace, Love and bundles of joy!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Little Princess

I went to the visitation last night and I am having a hard time describing my feelings when I walked into Parlor room D. The mood was not that of a visitation for an adult who had passed. I have never been to a funeral or a visitation of a child and I was terrified in the first place. I think alot of it was because I have a child of my own and could not even begin to imagine losing him, let alone having to watch him fight and struggle as long as she did. I didn't cry.. Which surprised me to no end. I walked in and there is was.. a small pink pearl casket covered with flowers and giant Abby Cadabby sitting in the chair next to it. It became clear that a child had passed. That is really all I can bring out to describe. So then I wrote this:

Sweet little princess, with eyes so bright, please do not worry, there will be no more fight.
You were brought to this world, an angel in disguise and fought to the end, a warrior in our eyes.
Sweet little princess, with a heart so true, always wearing a smile, no matter what you went through.
Your pink painted nails and little bows in your hair, made it seem like you had not a care.
Sweet little princess so young and free, your time hear with us has come and gone so abruptly.
You learned all you could and loved to no end, that you have all you need to begin your ascend.
Sweet little princess do not be afraid.
That halo is yours now all shiny and luminous.
Those wings are yours too and will help you watch over us.
For when it became your time to leave, a brand new angel, in heaven, was conceived.

Rest in Peace Little Princess.. Though I didn't get a chance to get to know you I love you like I did and will miss you just the same. You have inspired me in a way that is indescribable and you were already an angel for that..


Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It's a boy!

I have never been the cuddly, cutesy, girly type that was all embarrassed around boys in school. The only thing that made me girly in my eyes was my intense love for figure skating. I never wore the little skirts or dresses on the rink. It was shorts and leggings for me and the first time one of those preppy little princesses mouthed off to me on the rink they would have one angry tomboy on their hands.

I had more boy friends in school, than girls for the shear fact that I could not stand many of the girls and their cuteness, boy-talk and lip gloss. I liked being rude with the boys, talking about cars and being “just one of the guys”, which made my dad worry if you know what I mean. To this day, I would rather wear an old pair of my husband’s shorts outside, than an uncomfortable bikini or a pair of shorts that even remotely rise above my knees. I was actually relieved the day the ultrasound tech told me that I was having a boy! Having a girl sounded good in theory, but I was scared to death of all that pink, dolls, and PMS; if she was going to be anything like her mother….look out! It is just easier to dress a boy in tattered jeans or overalls, and let him get all dirty and drop his drawers in the backyard if he has to go really bad.

However, there is something to be said about shoes. Holy cow do I love shoes. Shoes are the one thing that is constant. Once you reach your size, your feet don’t get fatter or skinnier for that matter. I remember my favorite pair of boots growing up. They were little black ankle boots that I wore with EVERYTHING! I believe I even wore them with a Halloween costume one year. Thereafter, I have always had a pair of black boots in my closet, even now with my token “slut boots” as I call them. I remember the sound my boots made when I would walk down the hall at school or anywhere, they would click and it made me feel important, like everyone was looking at my boots. I guess that is another thing that makes me girly… To this day…the click click click is an exhilarating noise to me, never annoying, but always with pants..

That is all.

Peace, love and Purple shoes.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Dearest Sisters

There is something to be said about a long car ride in the middle of nowhere with my older sister that just reminds me of how important it is to have her. There is a special bond that sisters have and even if bad things happen, that bond can be rejuvenated in an instant.

I grew up the middle child of three girls. I like to believe that I was always the peacemaker or the mommy of the three. We had our fights and disagreements, but when things were good, they were really good. My baby sister and I were always close, well because she was the baby and for some reason I always felt the need to watch her closely as if I were her mother. My older sister and I have always had a totally different relationship. One of trust, understanding and love. I tried to give her what she didn't get from our parents as they were always at odds with each other. I tried my best to listen to her and keep her sane and calm at all costs. They both have such special places in my heart, that it kills me to see either one in pain, unhappy or hurting in anyway.

This past weekend, I spent some time much needed time with my sisters. My big sister and I drove the long, boring, backwoods two and a half hour trip to visit our baby sister. Before I go on, I guess I could explain where we were going and why we had to go all the way there. Well, in short my baby sister made some wrong turns over the past couple of years and she finally ran out of luck and got caught doing the wrong thing. She now resides in a woman's correctional facility in Florida and does not have an out date for another year or so. That is as far as I will go on that.
For the first time in years, all three of us were together for no reason, but to visit with each other. We came together to be there for her and it felt so great. We shared hugs, and kisses. We reminisced on happy memories. We talked about sad memories and well, we cried...We caught up. We talked about future plans, but above all, we were together and even in silence it was a wonderful feeling.
It may not have been the best venue for a sister reunion, but it was wonderful to finally have time together.

Over the years we have all been so judgemental upon each other, but once we realized that it was not us causing these judgements, we grew past it. We made a pact on Saturday May 1, 2010, that we will care for each other and be there to pick each other up when we fall, because that is what sisters are for. I will always remember our day together, not because of where we were, but because of how we were, we were sisters and we were real. There were not officers around, we weren't locked in, we were there together like we will be forever and that is what was important.

And I will end with a quote from the book I bought for my sister (Love Letters to my sister).

"You can feel my love if whenever you need, whenever you choose, no matter where you are. Just think of me and feel my love lifting up your happiness. Let my good feelings for you empower you. I love you, Your sister."

Peace N Love.