Friday, November 30, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
I totally lost count of all the times I have had a rant about the youth of today. I don’t remember ever being this opinionated about kids back before I had a child of my own, except when the Columbine shooting happened, which changed every perspective I had. Then when Virginia Tech happened, I pretty much lost all hope. Let me start by saying WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is it because kids are having kids? Is it because parents just don’t want to be involved or plain and simple don’t care?
I find myself always watching children when I drop Mason off at school. I was driving down the road this morning and saw a young boy about 13 or so, walking away from the school, with something in his hand. When I got closer I realized that it was some sort of gaming thing, but still why was my first thought a weapon of sorts? Because that is what is happening! Kids are getting guns and knives and taking their crazy depression or bullying sadness out on their peers. Kids need an outlet, I have always been a firm believer. Whether you buy them a punching bag or put them in Martial Arts, they NEED an outlet and sometimes it’s just not cool to talk to mom and dad, which sucks but it’s the truth. Let them know you are there, no matter what!
I was bullied in school, I was picked on in school and I hated every minute of it. I was one of those kids that kept it to myself. Yes, I did have depression as early as a lot of these kids, but if there is one thing I will never forget that my parents taught me was, “don’t take shit from anyone and have self respect”. I took it for a long time until I finally just decided IM DONE! I may be small (height wise) but I won’t back down, not in this life and that is what helped. I played the crazy side of it and it worked for me. I just don’t understand where kids think that attempting and/or taking their lives or the lives of others proves anything. I myself have been in situations like that and yes in the moment, that seems like the best answer! I will just end my pain myself, because nobody else is going to end it for me.
Whatever happened to kids getting in trouble for smoking a little pot or sneaking a beer out of dad’s fridge? You know normal young kid stuff? Now they go straight down the road of kill kill kill! The fact of the matter is there is always going to be a bully or pain in the ass in your life. ALWAYS! I don’t care how old you are, whether it is a sibling, friend or co-worker. There is always going to be someone who tries to get the better of you. It is how we choose to deal with it that makes or breaks us. I only have one child, and though sometimes I wish I had more, I smack myself and realize I have enough with just one. I am going to instill in him, the same values my parents instilled in me. Fighting isn’t the answer, but don’t take shit from anyone!
Even worse, now these little girls are putting up YouTube videos of themselves with the question “do you think I’m pretty or do you like me?” That is just setting yourself up for embarrassment and sadness. There is always going to be that asshole out there that just says you’re fat and ugly for now reason, but to make themselves feel funny. Technology has become this huge thing with kids that are younger and younger. Parents need to be parents and monitor! I mean really monitor, that is your freaking job!!
I am 31 years old and I have NEVER been in a physical fight besides the small you push me, then I will push you type of deal and in the ring sparring for Tae Kwon Do. I, to this day have no idea how that happened, but I kept that voice in the back of my head that kept me calm and told me, it’s not worth it.
We can’t baby them all the time, like we want to, but I will be damned if my kid is a bully or becomes the victim of such.
DO YOUR JOB MOM AND DAD!!
Peace and Love
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I’m sure it’s common knowledge, but when you are unhappy in one aspect of your life, most everything else falls into the category of unhappiness. It sucks that it happens that way, but I have yet to find a way to control my border in between. I have read often that you should deal with one problem at a time instead of attacking it all at once. It’s like an addict trying to go to rehab and detox off of their drug and quit smoking at the same time. Take it slow, do one thing to change at a time. I know I always use drug rehab as a way of explaining myself, but I guess that is something I feel strongly about and know more than I would like to know about. I can also use the Aitkin’s diet as an example, during the induction stage you are supposed to STOP eating any carbs. That is the most sleepy, depressing, angry time of that entire diet.
You can totally put your body into shock no matter what it is you are trying to fix, change get off of. No matter what addiction you have, drugs, food, sex etc your body will not be happy with you at first at all. In fact your body will do everything it can to tell your brain that you NEED to give up on the whole quitting situation and go back to what is comfortable. The fact of the matter is, that would be the easiest way to deal with it, wouldn’t it?
I am struggling with certain “unhappy” things in my life and man would it be awesome if I could just give up and start from scratch. I think about it all the time. How easy it would be to just live and be happy with no negativity at all, right? The problem is that the minute I had my son, what I wanted took the backseat and that was something I had to get used to pretty quickly and I am totally fine with that, it is my mind that makes me crazy and tries to push me in the wrong direction. So I can’t just give up, I can’t just move on without him in mind, because every single decision I make has to have that child in mind or there could be consequences. The words selfish and mommy do not mesh well, unless you just don’t care for your kids in any way, and if that’s the case, then go for it, say goodbye to them because it will happen sooner or later.
I have never felt so weak in my life. I have always been a very strong person (at least I think so). I am always there to pick YOU up when you’re down, why does it seem so hard to pick myself up? Some mornings, I just don’t want to go on and have to drag myself out of the bed with the help of that strong little man I call my son. The beautiful thing about being a parent is that our children love us no matter what. They don’t see us in any light except the brightest and they deserve the same. My little guy doesn’t deserve the bitch that I am some nights. He deserves the crazy happy mommy that dances to silly music and chases him around the house.
So now that I am about out of words for now, all I can finish with is, things will have to change, or else… (feel free to read between the lines, just because I blog doesn't mean I will tell all).
Peace and Love.
Friday, January 27, 2012
We have all had that terrible feeling in the pit of our stomach, when we are gone or leaving for a vacation and we feel like there is just SOMETHING we have forgotten or something that is missing. That has got to be one of the worse feelings ever. The only problem is lately, I have been feeling that just about daily. I wish it was because I was going on daily vacations, but it’s almost like I feel like there is just something in my life that has gone missing or I have left behind somewhere. This may sound confusing to some, but most of the time I find that there are more of you out there that read my blogs, that do actually have the same feeling that I do and I think that is why I post such things. I don’t mind sharing my inner most thoughts, it really doesn’t bother me and blogging is the best way to do it because you can read it if you want and if you don’t want to, don’t. That way I don’t feel like I’m forcing things on anyone, or putting anything on anyone else. I’m just letting it out and that is the whole point.
Regardless, here goes. I have had this feeling for quite some time now. I am not sure when it started, or when it will end, but I think I have to figure it out before it gets any worse. I have issues, like anyone else, but lately I feel like my issues have been taken over by my feeling of responsibility for other’s issues. The problem is that I am letting this happen. I make everyone else’s problems mine when I have no business in them. I try and try and then I get pushed back and this has pretty much happened, my ENTIRE life. The crazy part about all this is I never realize it until it’s too late. I am now going to make reference (again) to the book I have been reading for over a year now, because I think I am finally getting it.
Chapter 8: Set Yourself Free; “Let go and Let God”
Chapter 10: Live your own life “The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs”. (Codependent No More; How to stop controlling others and Start caring for yourself. By: Melody Beattie).
That is just a small amount of what I think I am finally understanding about this book and the sad part is, now I want to start reading it from the beginning again. I read those chapters and at the end of the chapters they have activities to do to help you. At the time of reading the chapters, I guess maybe I wasn’t ready to do them. The word “Detach” was used a lot and it scared me. But I think I have hit that “wall” everyone talks about. At 31 I want/need to detach from people that are sucking the life out of me. I don’t want or need this stress and anxiety anymore. This doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore, this just means that I am finally seeing that being the “caregiver” to people who don’t care back is not doing anything for me but bringing me down and hurting me in the end. I hate that it took this long into my adult life to realize it, but I guess it’s better late than never.
I guess what I’m saying at this point is, it feels good to find what has been missing and it really shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize what it was. I have been missing from my life for quite some time now and I think it is high time to take myself back and bring me back to life. I deserve good and I deserve happy. I’m done with YOUR problems, it’s time to focus on my own..
Peace, love and DETACHMENT!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
For the first time in a long while, I have found myself in one of my depressing, yet favorite moods with headphones blaring music that is sure to help me release (I have done some of my best writing in a mood like this). I feel like I could go in any direction at this point. The tears are there, but so is the madness and the laughter at the same time. As I have said before, I really don't know what I would do without music. Pretty sure music is what helped me make it through school and pretty much every bad (or good) thing that I have come upon in life. Maybe it's hormones or lack there of, whatever it is, it feels like a good time to put it down in words. I have been trying for a couple of weeks to really let loose and I get to a certain point, the tears fill my eyes and then I just stop and erase it. I am honestly not sure what that means, but I am trying not to pressure myself. Afterall, my blog is MINE and it is MY therapy and I feel that when it is time, it will come flowing as it normally does. I think that's where the title came from for this one, a little Psych term if you will.
I have got to stop thinking so much. I feel like my head is always going and I can't stop it from running all the time. I swear, if I ran on batteries, I would have to recharge every hour of the day. I have come to realize that the term "Hot Mess" refers to myself alot of the time. In my head, I don't mean HOT as in sexy hot or anything, I mean HOT as in ready to explode and well Mess it pretty self-explanatory. I just feel like I am on the verge of exploding and if I don't handle myself now or let it out, I may end up spontaneously combusting and making a huge disarray of everything.
It's days like today that make it really hard for me to hold on. I feel like the world is spinning too fast for me to keep up and if I stop moving, I will just fall flat on my face. I have reached the point in my life, where it feels like I am just tired of trying. I want to give up, because that would really be the easiest thing for me to do. Then again, when has anyone known me to just give up because something got hard? Afterall, I finished college and I feel like that makes me an intelligent person that can acomplish things maybe anything. Anything, that is, if I would stop trying to be so safe all the time. I guess that is just something that comes with being a parent. Safety is good, especially when it is financial safety.
I am a very peaceful person you may not think that when we first meet because I am very outspoken and pretty much say what I want when the time is right. I don't hurt peoples feelings (purposely at least), I just want to make everyone happy. I guess it's when I come across someone who constantly brings me down, that I just can't handle much more. I literally sat here yesterday and recited the Serenity prayer. I just need strength to bite my tongue ahd go about my business. Hopefully one day (SOONER than later) my happiness will shine through the dark cloud that has been hovering over me for a few years. Maybe....
Peace and Love