Friday, January 27, 2012
We have all had that terrible feeling in the pit of our stomach, when we are gone or leaving for a vacation and we feel like there is just SOMETHING we have forgotten or something that is missing. That has got to be one of the worse feelings ever. The only problem is lately, I have been feeling that just about daily. I wish it was because I was going on daily vacations, but it’s almost like I feel like there is just something in my life that has gone missing or I have left behind somewhere. This may sound confusing to some, but most of the time I find that there are more of you out there that read my blogs, that do actually have the same feeling that I do and I think that is why I post such things. I don’t mind sharing my inner most thoughts, it really doesn’t bother me and blogging is the best way to do it because you can read it if you want and if you don’t want to, don’t. That way I don’t feel like I’m forcing things on anyone, or putting anything on anyone else. I’m just letting it out and that is the whole point.
Regardless, here goes. I have had this feeling for quite some time now. I am not sure when it started, or when it will end, but I think I have to figure it out before it gets any worse. I have issues, like anyone else, but lately I feel like my issues have been taken over by my feeling of responsibility for other’s issues. The problem is that I am letting this happen. I make everyone else’s problems mine when I have no business in them. I try and try and then I get pushed back and this has pretty much happened, my ENTIRE life. The crazy part about all this is I never realize it until it’s too late. I am now going to make reference (again) to the book I have been reading for over a year now, because I think I am finally getting it.
Chapter 8: Set Yourself Free; “Let go and Let God”
Chapter 10: Live your own life “The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs”. (Codependent No More; How to stop controlling others and Start caring for yourself. By: Melody Beattie).
That is just a small amount of what I think I am finally understanding about this book and the sad part is, now I want to start reading it from the beginning again. I read those chapters and at the end of the chapters they have activities to do to help you. At the time of reading the chapters, I guess maybe I wasn’t ready to do them. The word “Detach” was used a lot and it scared me. But I think I have hit that “wall” everyone talks about. At 31 I want/need to detach from people that are sucking the life out of me. I don’t want or need this stress and anxiety anymore. This doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore, this just means that I am finally seeing that being the “caregiver” to people who don’t care back is not doing anything for me but bringing me down and hurting me in the end. I hate that it took this long into my adult life to realize it, but I guess it’s better late than never.
I guess what I’m saying at this point is, it feels good to find what has been missing and it really shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize what it was. I have been missing from my life for quite some time now and I think it is high time to take myself back and bring me back to life. I deserve good and I deserve happy. I’m done with YOUR problems, it’s time to focus on my own..
Peace, love and DETACHMENT!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
For the first time in a long while, I have found myself in one of my depressing, yet favorite moods with headphones blaring music that is sure to help me release (I have done some of my best writing in a mood like this). I feel like I could go in any direction at this point. The tears are there, but so is the madness and the laughter at the same time. As I have said before, I really don't know what I would do without music. Pretty sure music is what helped me make it through school and pretty much every bad (or good) thing that I have come upon in life. Maybe it's hormones or lack there of, whatever it is, it feels like a good time to put it down in words. I have been trying for a couple of weeks to really let loose and I get to a certain point, the tears fill my eyes and then I just stop and erase it. I am honestly not sure what that means, but I am trying not to pressure myself. Afterall, my blog is MINE and it is MY therapy and I feel that when it is time, it will come flowing as it normally does. I think that's where the title came from for this one, a little Psych term if you will.
I have got to stop thinking so much. I feel like my head is always going and I can't stop it from running all the time. I swear, if I ran on batteries, I would have to recharge every hour of the day. I have come to realize that the term "Hot Mess" refers to myself alot of the time. In my head, I don't mean HOT as in sexy hot or anything, I mean HOT as in ready to explode and well Mess it pretty self-explanatory. I just feel like I am on the verge of exploding and if I don't handle myself now or let it out, I may end up spontaneously combusting and making a huge disarray of everything.
It's days like today that make it really hard for me to hold on. I feel like the world is spinning too fast for me to keep up and if I stop moving, I will just fall flat on my face. I have reached the point in my life, where it feels like I am just tired of trying. I want to give up, because that would really be the easiest thing for me to do. Then again, when has anyone known me to just give up because something got hard? Afterall, I finished college and I feel like that makes me an intelligent person that can acomplish things maybe anything. Anything, that is, if I would stop trying to be so safe all the time. I guess that is just something that comes with being a parent. Safety is good, especially when it is financial safety.
I am a very peaceful person you may not think that when we first meet because I am very outspoken and pretty much say what I want when the time is right. I don't hurt peoples feelings (purposely at least), I just want to make everyone happy. I guess it's when I come across someone who constantly brings me down, that I just can't handle much more. I literally sat here yesterday and recited the Serenity prayer. I just need strength to bite my tongue ahd go about my business. Hopefully one day (SOONER than later) my happiness will shine through the dark cloud that has been hovering over me for a few years. Maybe....
Peace and Love