Thursday, August 26, 2010
I feel numb. So numb that it is driving me crazy. I want to pinch myself just to feel something. I have nothing to say. I can’t breath. I can barely think straight.
I have music in my ears, close my eyes and I feel for just one moment that I have escaped to my own world. I am in the greatest world I can possibly think of. I have escaped and wish not to be found. I just want to stay here for a while. It is peaceful, it is quiet, and it is whatever I want it to be. All I have to do is close my eyes and breathe.
I grew up with all kinds of music. My parents had every record you could think of whether it was Michael Jackson, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, it was on the radio. We were never blocked out of any types of music. I grew up knowing Fleetwood Mac, CCR, Steppenwolf and Steve Miller Band and I think that is why I choose those bands over a lot of today’s new music.
My favorite memory about growing up and being in school is my walkman! Yea, I said walkman. The greatest day was when I got my first set of headphones that I could fish through my sleeves so that when resting on my wrist in class, I could escape there and still look like I was listening to the teacher. I went through school a lot with headphones in my ears. Actually, a lot of life went on around me with music blaring in my ears. I did it to stay in my own world. It was like it made me feel confident or carefree maybe. I was not worried about what anyone thought. I didn’t care what anyway said, hell I couldn’t hear them anyway.
I think a lot now, about those days and figure; I probably could have gotten into a lot of trouble if it hadn’t been for my music. It seems now; I really want to just listen. I want to hear the words and relate to a lot of them. Today it could be something angry like Disturbed, when yesterday it could have been more peaceful sounds of Stevie Nicks or Enya. Either way, I just want to escape even for just my 30 minute lunch break, or the walk from the parking lot to my office in the mornings, I need that. It is my solace, some people meditate some people do yoga, I just listen and everything seems fine. It honestly helps me feel better.
I agree with Maya Angelou when she said “Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness”. It amazes me that something so common and in everyone’s daily life, could make such a difference in my life at any second of the day, my mood can change with the help of some good tunes.
That is all.
Peace N Love..
“Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it”, John Lennon
Monday, August 2, 2010
I had a dream about you the other night.. It is so hard to explain to anyone else. It was amazing. I didn't even wake up sad. I was so happy. The dream itself was, well crazy, as they usually are for me. You asked me how Mason was and said you would visit soon, like you had been to see him before. We talked about everyone.. I caught you up on the latest drama. For the first time EVER, I had a dream about you and we sat down and talked. We never do that, kind of like real life when you were here. We rarely sat down and just talked, it was usually me in trouble for something or there was a recent tragedy.
You sat and listened to me babble on about me and life etc. I cried a little and you told me it would be alright. I miss that. I held your hand and it was rough like it was real. You smelled like a mixture of gasoline and fresh mowed yard, I forgot how I loved that smell. You were wearing your old blue sweatshirt that had the oil stain on it just like my 8th birthday when you and mom had a suprise party and gave me that purple bike with the white basket and the daisies on the front. I am so glad that is the way I remembered you. I could go on describing it. There was some silence, but we just sat together and I was happy. I don't remember all the words, but what I do remember made me so happy.
"Do you know I love you? I love you very much Heather. You can talk to me any time you want. I will listen". Tears rolled down you cheek, you stood up let go of my hand and dissappeared...
I had to share it. I don't care how childish it sounds. I never have dreams this vivid of him. I wish they would happen more often, I wake up feeling like I went to visit him in a way.
No matter how old you get you are still someones baby. I will always call my mother mommy until I can't say it anymore. My good memories outweigh the bad and I have my parents to thank for that.
Peace Love and ZzZzZz