Tuesday, June 30, 2015

It's Mourning all day long

A couple days into my 35th year of life and my head has been going double time… It seems like this year FLEW by. I suppose time flies when you are crazy busy and/or when you’re having fun? This day last year I was thanking my mother for making my Luau themed surprise birthday a complete success, and filled her in on the shenanigans that ensued after she went to sleep. I came home from work that day already privy to the “surprise” plan that I could not say no to, knowing my mom had put so much effort into it. When her and my husband joined forces, anything happened from parties to magnetic chalk walls (it fills my heart knowing they got along so well). She had a grass skirt and a coconut bra ready for me when I got there, did I want to wear this? HELL NO, but it meant the world to her so, on it went. I sit here thinking back to the evening of fun, complete with vodka filled tropical punch that she made and a bunch of my friends gathered to celebrate. Having my mommy here, throwing me a party made for a lasting memory that I will always hold dear. In hindsight, I feel that she knew she might not be here for my 35th and that made this birthday a painful one.
Last week marked the 3rd month since I was able to hug her. It has felt like the longest 3 months of my life.  I have done nothing but keep myself busy doing crafty things and painting anything that will stand still long enough for me to transform it. I’m not sure if I am grieving or even how to grieve for that matter. I feel like everything that could go wrong after a death, HAS gone wrong. I have been verbally smacked down numerous times and continued to get back up because I know I am doing right by my mother.

On occasion, I feel as if I am a stronger person, but more often than not, I feel terribly weak and broken. Every morning is a struggle to even get out of bed, not that I have always been a bright shiny morning person or anything, but now more than ever, it is close to impossible to get myself up. I could turn off my phone and go back to sleep every morning and stay in bed the entire day if I had no responsibilities.

That age old saying “everything happens for a reason” has always been something I have lived by in the past and continue to live by presently. The hardest thing for me to accept is that everything over the past year HAS happened for a reason, mind you, it has not been any reasoning that I have enjoyed, but either way, a reason. If my job had not fell apart, I would not have been home to take care of mom the day she fell, which then led to spending days at Hospice with my sister, which led to saying goodbye, which led to going to Florida for her memorial, moving right into summer vacation with Mason, which saved us a ton of money and ultimately a trip with Mason back to Florida for what I am hoping will be a more upbeat visit with my family. While not all of what I just blurted out is negative, it is just what I think about daily to keep moving forward.

The time that I have been able to spend with my mother, my son, my family is irreplaceable!  My family has always been and will always be my world, regardless of any money that I have or need or stuff, I can thank my parents for that lesson.

If I have learned anything this past year, it is this:
Tomorrow is not promised…If you are lucky enough to have the time to spend with your family and loved ones, you spend that time with them! Don’t be stupid! Jobs will be there, bills will always be there, but your loved one may not be.
Find another job, if they don’t care enough to support you! I learned that the hard way too many times. Hug them, kiss them, cuddle with them if they ask you to, drop what you are doing and spend the time or you will regret it. . .

Peace n Love