Thursday, March 31, 2011

Raise Your Kids

What ever happened to parents wanting to raise their kids to be respectable, clean-cut adults? I think that got flushed down the toilet a long time ago. It’s like now, parents aren’t even raising their kids they are letting them do it themselves. Kids go where they please ALONE, they skip school and there are no consequences and THEY FIGHT!

Which brings me to my topic for the day; I was watching The Today show this morning and they were talking about this new craze of teens videotaping fights and then posting them. They actually plan these fights and then beat the hell out of each other for fun! I don’t get it. One girl ended up dead last week and a few others in the hospital. The thing that pissed me off the most was that in one video, they “mother of the year” was cheering her child on! I mean I remember the days of backyard wrestling and “meet me in the parking lot after school” fights, but this is just getting ridiculous. There are plenty of anger outlets for kids. You want to fight? Join a MMA school, Karate, join the wrestling team or here’s an idea for the parents MONITOR YOUR KIDS!

When I was about 10 I remember my father found a Tae Kwon Do school and he and my younger sister joined, soon after my mother and then well, I was told I had to join as well. I hated every minute of it! The only part that I did enjoy was the sparring part; I realized that I wasn’t scared; it felt great to let out any kind of anger or frustration I may have been having and I actually enjoyed getting hit, which really pissed my dad off. But learning Martial Arts didn’t turn me into a confrontational person who would go to school and pick fights. I suppose it skipped a generation with me, because both my sisters were all about starting fights or finishing them to say the least.

I was picked on growing up both at school from my peers and home from my sisters. Kids are just mean, they say terrible things and it’s like they are even worse now with TV and stuff they learn from their parents. I have never been in an actual physical fight. I had “words” with many girls and boys, but it never turned into something actually physical. I was in shoving matches but they never escalated from that. I never wanted to fight with anyone I just never thought it would solve anything, and honestly it really doesn’t. I have a memory from one summer when me and my younger sister were fighting in the kitchen hitting each other. My parents where not home, but dad walked in the door and caught us fighting each other. He made us stop, and then proceeded to get our sparring gear out. Neither one of us knew what was going to happen next. He threw our bags on the floor and told us to put on our gear. So we did, he then made us go out in the backyard (yes where the neighborhood could see us) and fight each other. I don’t know who won the fight that day, all I remember is I didn’t want to have to do this again and I am pretty sure I stepped in dog crap! I have no idea what we were fighting over and I don’t think I cared after that, but that was one lesson my dad taught me that I will never forget. What does it prove?

I am reminded now, of the reasoning behind me and my husband not wanting anymore children when we decided. I am worried enough raising one boy in this world we live in, I would lose my mind if I had to raise another child with all the things that kids are doing now. Peer pressure never goes away, and it seems worse now than it ever was when I was growing up and that scares me to death. I can honestly say, I fear for my sons future and I just hope that I can raise him to make the decisions that I have always made (most of the decisions I have made) and let him be the peacekeeper like his mama always has been.

PEACE love and if you can’t take care of yourself then you probably SHOULDN’T have kids..

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Let us pray

Here is comes people!
Religion is not my favorite topic of discussion to bring up. I have always kept it behind closed doors, because in actuality my religious beliefs are none of your business and honestly, you don’t even HAVE to read this. I was raised in a Catholic household all my life. We went to church EVERY Sunday and my sisters and I did CCD twice a week (for those of you who do not know what CCD is: The Confraternity of Christian Doctrine was an association established in 1562 in Rome for the purpose of providing religious education. In its more modern usage, CCD is the religious teaching program of the Catholic Church. These classes are taught to school age children to learn the basic doctrines of their faith). I never considered myself “Religious”, but I knew that I loved God and I wanted to do right by him. I made my Holy Communion and followed up with my Confirmation at age 15. For some reason at that point life became busy and I never could find the time for church except for holidays.

I finally decided, once I was old enough to make my own decisions, that I did not want to be that person who JUST went to church on major holidays (Ash Wednesday, Easter Sunday, Christmas etc), if I wasn’t going to be devoted weekly then I should just not go and there you have it I made my decision and I began going instead, to light a candle once a week before school once I began college and if I could not do that I would pray at night before I went to sleep because I did not think that I had to go to a building to pray. I felt that I could have a more personal relationship with God if I prayed to him at home, and well, that is what I did.

Then my relationship with “the big man upstairs” went sour, so to speak. Both my parents got sick with Cancer. My dad died and at that time, I didn’t think my mom was that far behind him. I was angry and I could not understand how this Supreme Being that everyone prays to could allow things like this to happen. Why not give molesters and murderers cancer and let them die? Why not hurt bad people? Why my family? So from then on out I attempted to go to church, but found myself in tears every time I went. I felt like an idiot so, I decided I would only go light a candle for my dad on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death. Are you seeing a pattern here? I have always easily given up. I thought I was trying so hard to get the relationship back, but I have not been trying hard enough. I think a lot of my problem was I never could understand it and since I couldn’t understand it, I didn’t want to try anymore.

You know in movies, where there is an old decrepit woman who can hardly walk that give the young child this big speech that makes him/her have a huge revelation? Well, I don’t have an old decrepit woman, I have my grandma Mimi. Mimi has a prayer for everything and she is the best Catholic I know! We have had many religious talks on the phone and she has listened to me cry like a child about how I am angry with God and I don’t understand. She never got mad at me for saying such things, she just explained things to me and I would then feel better about it. Then she got Cancer and my whole perspective got blown out of the water. Mimi? The most holy woman I know? Ok, so maybe this is not a God thing? Maybe God didn’t give it to her. I am having new thoughts on my life long perspective of anger with God. Maybe the phrase “What does not kill us, only makes us stronger” is true. I firmly believe that Mimi’s love for God helped her through this trying time in her life and is what has kept her so calm through all of this. I admire her for that. I want to be that way.

My husband is not Catholic so it is hard for us to go to church and feel right about it because it is hard for a newcomer to deal with Catholic Mass with all the memorizing (because let’s face it, its repetitive) I would feel out of place too. But I AM Catholic and I am proud of that. So, from here on out I am going to try my best to be better at it. I will find the time to get to church. I need something in my life to make me feel whole. Maybe it’s the religion and prayer that is missing in it.

I am now 30 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with myself. I do know that yesterday was Ash Wednesday and for once in my life I am going to follow Lent the way I learned it. For Lent I am giving up my evening TV time for my Rosaries. I think it is high time, that my son had some religion in his life that is part of his routine, instead of just when he goes to visit his grandparents. Going to church doesn’t change you on the outside. It heals you spiritually and that is all I can hope for.
I am sticking with this! For once in my life I am going to be devoted to something more than just my boys. I can do it!

Peace love and well sprituality!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Let Go

I guess we all learn lessons, no matter how old or experienced you are or think you are. I feel like I am always learning the lessons that just hurt me both mentally, emotionally and on the rare occasion physically (i.e. dog bite). I am not sure if recent events are that of a lesson or just that of experience. As usual, I am confused.

I put my every emotion and feeling into things that I know I am good at. When I write, I sometimes catch myself crying or even laughing depending on the topic. The same goes for my family and friends. I want to fix everything for everyone but then I am left with a mess at my feet. I can’t help it, I just do. I have always been that way. I am a compassionate person for the most part and when I feel it in my heart that is all I need to move forward. At first I feel I am doing the right thing, until it blows up in my face and then BAM, I am the one in pieces. I put my heart out there for people to step on it and at this point I am beginning to think it is best left under lock and key.

When I worked as a counselor, I used to teach my clients about boundaries and walls that they had put up and needed to work on breaking down. Is it possible that I need to work on building my walls and boundaries? I am not sure I have ever had either at this point. If you are a regular reader, you know that I have been struggling with reading the book “Co-Dependant No more”. Don’t get me wrong, it is not taking me a long time because it is a hard book to read, I just can’t seem to sit down and finish it. Recently I made it through Chapter 7 which is; Set yourself Free; Let go and Let god. That chapter was the first chapter I actually did the activities for. I will not put you to sleep with the answers to the questions, but I came to a realization that I am 100% Co-Dependant. I always knew I was, but that chapter described every bit of me. Co-dependants aren’t the people who make things happen, we are the people who try to FORCE things to happen. Those words, describe me! Sadly, I do that.

If you read my previous post, you may understand what I am getting at. I put a lot of stock in that. I think I may have put too much stock in it. It makes me sad that I know now, and I have spoken now and discussed things and then SILENCE. That is it, nothing else. My husband (who normally just lets me realize things on my own) made me feel better last night when I said “Well, honey once again I put my heart into something and it got smashed. What a waste of energy and emotion”. He said “No, it was not a waste. You know now, and you had no contact for 30 years so what is waiting a little longer?” While I agree with him, it still hurts my heart that there is so much I want to know and learn, but this is something I cannot control and that sucks! I will work on letting go, and being patient. I will try and breathe a bit more and be patient. I will….

The next chapter is “Remove the Victim”; needless to say I have not even begun reading that one. Thanks for reading…

Peace Love and patience