Friday, November 4, 2011

God Grant me the serenity

The further I get through this book (if you follow my blog you KNOW the book), no matter how long it takes, I begin to understand myself more. It may take me a week to get through one chapter (not much free time), but it could take me a few weeks to absorb that chapter. I have finally come to the chapter that explains the most about me (so far that is). Learning the art of acceptance.

When I was a counselor in a drug rehab, my biggest concern was that individuals that had addictions were going through the grief process the correct way. I had packets and reading material and a number of group meetings that helped them go through the entire process. In the midst of all that, I had just lost my father a year prior so it was not only a teaching experience, but a helpful learning experience for me as well. I taught everyone about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ACCEPTANCE). Nobody goes through these stages at the same pace. Depending on what you are grieving, it could take from days to years to fully accept the fact that this has happened. Just a side note, you can grieve anything, it does NOT have to be a death, it can be divorce, loss of job, home, anything. Everyone deals with loss in different ways, which makes it very hard for our loved ones to understand or even know what to do when we go through our stages.

The crazy thing that I thought about during my reading this chapter is, not that I lost my father or grandma or dog or any other family member, but to be honest I think my biggest problem is the loss of my girly parts from my hysterectomy in 2008 (go ahead male readers, click off the blog if you must). Even though this is my loss, I still grieve it the same way that I have anything else. I remember the way things went when my dad died and that was the first time I had ever really knew what loss was. I went through all the stages and I finally arrived at acceptance about a year or two ago (that is also in a past blog).

I frequently tell people that when I had my hysterectomy, I went into the OR one person and came out quite another. I lost Heather in there. She went in and some crazy psycho woman missing organs came into the recovery room. It sounds funny and I often laugh about it (on a good day) but it was a very sad experience for me and I am still suffering from it. Don’t get me wrong, it was MY decision to do, knowing good and well it was permanent. I was tired of living with pain and I just wanted to live a normal life. My doctor and I had spoken about it for quite a few years and I finally came to the decision to just do it and move on. NOT THAT EASY!

This took me quite some time to get through. Part of me felt great still I didn’t want to lie in bed and recover, I wanted to do things and move around. I thought “this isn’t so bad at all” I can handle a hot flash here and there, I’M GOOD! Until all the menopause crap smacked me right in the face.

Wait a minute. Now, I want another baby. Damn that doctor for not explaining all of this to me. It’s his fault. Why didn’t someone talk me out of this? Why did I do this to myself? Why was I given all these problems in the first place? Part of me still gets pretty angry at least every other month.

I am way too young for this shit. I can’t and really don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to be touched. I keep having these feelings that my husband wants to leave me for someone else. My family is going to end up hating me before it’s over. I flip out at the smallest things. I can’t do this, how the hell am I supposed to take care of everyone if I feel this way. Now I will get some medication. RIGHT? WRONG.

The depression has always been my hardest stage. I am great when it comes to helping others with their problems, but man do I suck at trying to deal with myself. Pass the alcohol please or maybe a nerve pill, anything to make me numb for a little while, so I don’t feel accountable for what I am feeling or what I am about to say when I flip out. With this, I am not sure, but I think I may be stuck in this stage of the grief process. I really don’t want to accept it even though I have no choice. I want to magically wake up one morning feeling awesome and wanting to jump around and get laid and be all crazy happy. It hasn’t happened yet though.

I guess, what I am getting at is this is my grief. I am grieving the loss of the woman I was. Though she was already off kilter, the events that happened October 20, 2008, made her 110 times worse. That girl in a way lost herself to never be found again. Which sucks, but at least I can recognize that this is my biggest problem and it has WAY too much power over me. A little 12 step reference there. I want to change, it is just very hard. Alcohol doesn’t help (especially when you’re a binge drinker); medication doesn’t do anything but give me more side effects. I just want to get to the acceptance part and that is hard to get to when I am always trying to mask how I feel and hide my pain and grief. This is me, broken into pieces all the time, but at 31, I am finally realizing it is time to accept the things I cannot change, pray for the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Pray for me.

Peace n love

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Don't judge me

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself"- Wayne Dyer

I have always been a person that gives others the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure why I have always been that way, but it just comes naturally to me. I have always been a very trusting person, until I am given a reason to not do so. I am a firm believer that everyone deserves chances in life, if and only if they are honest and trust worthy in their trying. My problem is that once I have been done wrong, I have a very hard time getting back on the “trust wagon”. I become very anxious and nervous that I am going to be wronged again and again. Does that make me a judge or a nervous wreck?

Just because someone has done something in life, does not very well mean that they are going to continue to do that. Many people learn their lessons after the first go round. Some, it takes a few go rounds and other just don’t learn, which makes me sad. Who am I to judge or make a decision for someone else? I believe in God, I may not agree with everything that is spoken about God, but I do believe that for the most part he is the decider and the judge at the end. What I do not agree with is those of you that preach and preach and then JUDGE. I don’t think that is what he would have wanted. It’s not your job to judge. It’s not your job to punish someone. It’s your job to care for you and your own.

I am not sure where I am going with this today; I just had the words and felt the need to throw them out there. I have two sisters that I love very dearly (yea I am going there AGAIN). They both may have not always made the best decisions in their lives, but why should they have to pay for the rest of their lives? Why do weak people have to use that against them? Because most people that point the finger at them are actually doing wrong themselves and the feeling of guilt makes it easier on them to point!! There are so many people out there that say “once a cheater, always a cheater” (being a past cheater, I beg to differ) “once a thief, always a thief” etc, etc! Blah blah blah!

I looked through a long list of quotes and the one I put up, is really the one that means the most. It’s true, when you judge another, you are defining yourself not them. Most of the time, you don’t even know the person fully, that you are judging. You just know a choice few things that you have allowed to get into your head and now that has painted YOUR picture of that person. What does that make you look like?

Maybe it’s because I have worked in the jobs areas that I have worked in (jails and rehabs) that has helped me to not judge along the way. Or maybe it is just the nature I was born with, who knows. All I know is people are too quick to judge these days. When you are ready to put a tag on someone, you need to sit back and look at yourself in the mirror and see what kind of tag that puts on you.

I think that is all for today’s rant. I will end with a quote that I totally dig:

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean” – Bob Marley

Thanks for reading

Peace n love