Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Dear Daddy:

If you are not in the mood to cry, you probably shouldn’t read any further. Today marks eight years since my daddy passed away. I have never been strong enough to write my actual feeling on THIS day and let anyone read it. If this was paper, it would be soaked with my tears. Every bit of me goes into anything that I blog about, today is just the hardest one that I have ever put down. It just seems like time for me to let it all out. For me..

It seems like just yesterday that we had a late night “smoke” and a McDonalds Hot fudge sundae at the hospital. I remember the pajamas you had on and every word you said to me, because that was the last time we were alone. I think you knew that it might be, so we said what we had to say. You told me to always take care of myself, not matter what the cost. You told me you wanted me to always be happy and to take care of my sisters, and to be the strong one. All I can do now is hope that I have honored our talk and you can see how hard I am working to do my best.
It seems like just yesterday that I was watching you hold back tears at my graduation video. You were so mad that you weren’t allowed to come, but the hospital was the first place I went afterward. I finally felt like I had done what you wanted. Little did I know, this would be the last time you would be able to hug me back and tell me how much you loved me and how proud you were. You actually knew who I was that day and meant the world to me.

It seems like just yesterday it was “my” night to stay up with you at home and make sure you were comfortable. For some reason, I knew that it would be my night that would be your last and I was so scared. Everyone was there, just as you would have wanted it. I remember the movie I watched (Bend it like Beckham) and that I slept on the couch with the only man you were ever really ok with. I held your warm hand for the last time and cried.

It seems like just yesterday that you fell cold in front of my eyes. The pain was something I had never felt before. Your hand was cold now and you were not there. It had happened. I know I had said goodbye to you, because you really weren’t there, but it was real now, TOO real.

It seems like just yesterday we said goodbye forever. I saw you for the very last time. It didn't look like you, but you were wearing your favorite Tae Kwon Do uniform and looked peaceful. There were so many people there paying their respects. People I didn't even know. People that respected and loved you for who you were and what you stood for. Then you were gone....and we had to go back to our lives like normal.

I'm not sure if I have made it back to normal daddy. Actually, i'm almost positive, I will never get back there. I miss you every single day. There is always something that reminds me of you. I wish I could control it. I feel like I have lost my mind.

Every year on your birthday and during the holidays, I relive my last moments with you mostly happy ones from those days. It is this day October 5th that is most painful.

It seems like just yesterday that I thought about it, because it was. Just like every other day to come...

I love you daddy! I miss you so much! See you in my dreams.
Love, Heather

Thanks for reading.

Peace n love