Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Tiny Warrior

Today I write on behalf of a very strong little girl named Shaylin, she has been fighting all kinds of health obstacles since birth, but that is just it…She has been FIGHTING! This little girl is 3 years old and has an extraordinary will to live. I went to visit her about a month ago in the hospital. She may or may not have known I was there visiting, but the way she has been fighting, I hope and believe that the next visit she will be awake and I will actually get to see what a personality I truly believe she has.

Next time you feel like complaining about any kind of problem you have in life, check out this page and become a member to read her story; (prayers for Shaylin). I have dubbed this little princess as a “baby warrior”. If that isn't a definition of will to live, I don’t know what is. I personally believe it is a mother’s love, that helps a child fight. Any kind of love has power, but a mother’s love is so strong, it can make things happen. We carry our children around in our belly for 9 months and help it grow and stay healthy. The scariest part is bringing that child out into the world. They are no longer protected by your womb. Suddenly the mother’s love becomes doubled! Whether you have adopted a child or were blessed to be able to have one, either way….You don’t mess with a mother! She will protect her baby until the end of time and our babies know it. They can sense it!

I am a firm believer that children are born pure and that they are more aware of their spiritual surroundings than adults. Just as they are fearless, they are also sensitive to everything that goes on around them (awake or asleep). I believe the reason that children are such strong individuals is because they are so innocent. They don’t know anything bad or scary unless we allow them to see those things. They are just pure and happy and that is really all they know. Yet the older we get, the quicker we are ready to throw in the towel.

I remember being a child and not having a care in the world. I had no idea what was going on around me, but that did not last long. I was not too old when I remembered my parent’s first fight, I thought we were the Brady Bunch until then; or my first trip to emergency room, not so fearless after that; or getting picked on for the first time by someone at school, lasted longer than I care to admit. I think that it why it makes us so sad to watch our babies grow up so quickly. They were protected from the world when they were under our wing so to speak. Then they start school and there is “that” child that teaches them about the real things in life, that he/she learned at a young age. They come home and catch the news before you change the channel and suddenly they are worried that our house will catch fire...

For all of these facts, I have a special place in my heart that hurts for Shaylin and her mama. No child or mother should have to endure what they are going through. She was born into a fight with her health. She has no control over it, and she is not giving up. She was brought into this world to make a statement and at 3 years old, I think her statement is that of bravery and strength... Something we all could use!

So, to Shaylin Lewis at 3 years of age: You are a warrior, like Joan of Arc will not give up and I am humbled by your “will to live”.


When did it become normal to hear about missing children on the daily news?
Where are all these babies going?
The sad thing is, I ask these questions on a daily basis. I hurt for all of these children that have been murdered, or kidnapped, or have not been recovered as of yet. It is an uncontrollable pain that I have for all of them. They did not ask to be brought into this hateful world. They are innocent, trusting beings that know no evil.

I have said before that I originally went to school for Criminal Justice so that in time I could become a judge to help keep criminals off the streets. The more I think about it now, that profession would be a bad choice for me. There are too many people out there that I believe should not be waiting on death row eating three square meals a day, watching television, being able to look out a window who should just have been taken out by a good old fashion firing squad. Or even better how about good old “eye for an eye”? Why do these murderers, rapists and child molesters get to be innocent before proven guilty in a court of law, when we ALL know they did it? When did the world get so lax?

Which brings me back to the whole God thing? Why would these individuals even be created? Save the world a whole lot of heartache is what I think. They are sitting on their asses, eating food bought with food stamps killing and hurting people. While there are actual good adults and children suffering from illness that they do not have the money to get proper care for, or babies in hospital beds, suffering from congenital problems they were born with. I want to know why things are the way they are!

I used to watch the news every night and it was having nightmares, but hell now I can’t even watch the news during the day!..

Well, I feel better.

Peace, anger n Love (today at least)

Monday, April 26, 2010

Keep your friends close..

As I do everyday while eating lunch, I peruse over some of my friends facebook pictures and their friends to see if there is anyone I have missed. Today, I realized that there was once a time that I had quite a few friends in my life. I remember how hard it was for me to actually make friends back in the day. Then, when I finally had a good group of close friends, my parents felt it necessary to move us to HickTown Tennessee. I was so angry! I had just finished 11th grade and now I had to do my senior year in a whole other state! I thought it was over. I had to leave all my friends in Florida behind and attempt to make new ones, in some Podunk town. All I could think of was Dolly Parton, Country music and Cowboy boots!

June 1997 we made the big move and that was the last time I got to see any of my closest friends! I wrote letters and made some phone calls in the beginning months , but soon that stopped and we all lost touch. Then came Myspace and then Facebook. All of a sudden I had all my old friends just a mouse click away. We all spoke like we had never lost touch, but we really had. I look back on their pictures from the past years and I feel like I should have been in some of those pictures. It makes me jealous at times. Don't get me wrong, we all have our memories, but I just can't help but imagine what it would have been like if we had stayed....

Well, I would not have the life I have right now that is for sure. I would never have met my husband, which means I would have never had my beautiful son and I definitely wouldn't be were I am today!.

Over the past couple of years, I have made some pretty awesome friends! Friends that I know I can count on. Real friends that would drop everything and help me plan a surprise party for my husband. Real friends that understand how I am feeling and know that when I say "I'm okay" Okay is just not normal for me. Real friends that understand what being a mother is like and get it when I just don't feel like talking or going anywhere. Real friends who don't judge me even the slightest when I tell them my darkest secrets. Real friends that will drop everything and come with me to the doctor, just to watch my son in the waiting room. REAL REAL friends. They are my girlfriends.

It is odd how things change in life. I always had friends that were guys and argued with girls. Maybe I was jealous.. Hey, Maybe they were jealous, who knows. I never saw me saying that I had "girlfriends" but I do and I love them all dearly. Whether we see each other every day, talk every day, or don't for weeks at a time; we always catch up! I am so grateful to have my girls! They get me! And I get them! And well, what else is there?

That's all that is on my mind right now!

Peace N Love

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Just a Smile

I have a hard time making positive out of anything in my life. That is something that I am always working on doing better, but when you have a child it is so hard to make negative out of anything they do. Mason is 4! He is at that ever changing age. He likes to make you laugh (which gets him in trouble at school). He loves to say I love you to me and his daddy. He is full of hugs and full of kisses. His smile makes you melt. He knows when I don't feel well and he is usually concerned about it.

We decided after many discussions to purchase a swing set for the backyard. Yes there may be a method to our madness, but we knew Mason would love it. Good friends came over last night and helped set it up. Mason could hardly contain himself when he saw it actually becoming more than just metal poles in plastic wrapping. I sat on the patio listening to my friend talk to me and I literally zoned out as I watched Mason sit on the swing for the first time and just kick his legs.. The smile on his face was almost magical. There are no words to describe how I felt watching him at that very moment. Then having to pull him away from it to put him to bed was just evil!

I got out of bed this morning and went to wake him up and he was not in his room. My mother's instinct told me exactly where he was though. I figured, my little rug rat would already be outside sitting on a swing, but he knows not to go out without permission (or at least this time he did). I walked out into the kitchen, peaked around the corner, and there he was sitting on a chair leaning on the window sill just looking at his brand new swing set. I watched him quietly, he didn't say a word he was just gazing. At that moment, the happiness on his face meant the world to me. Nothing else mattered to me at all right then.

This makes me remember as one very specific moment in my childhood life. It was Easter Sunday and we had just gotten up and opened our Easter baskets. Dad told me to take out the trash and I really didn't want to. I mumbled under my breath how mad I was out into the garage, when the garage door opened and there sat a bright red shiny new go-kart! I remember my excitement and I was 11 years old maybe. That very excitement plus, is what I see in Mason's eyes when he looks at his swing set.

I think finally, just shy of my 30th birthday, I am realizing that all the stress of being a parent pays off in just one little smile, or kiss, or hug. It makes me realize that yes, I am his mommy and one day, he will stop calling me mommy and leave me, but for now his daddy and I are the center of his little world! Doesn't get any better than that! Does it?

Peace N Love

Monday, April 19, 2010

Puppy Love

So, I have been in a ranting mood since weekend, but sadly I have had no time to write. So I think I will start with what is bothering me today. After all, isn't that what a blog is for?

I believe it was 2000 or so, I walked into the groomers to drop off my mother's dog "rusty" to get groomed and there in a small cage sat the cutest, most beautiful black miniature schnauzer you will ever see. The cage had a sign on it that said "My name is Zack I am 3 months old, and I need a loving home". That was it, I passed "Rusty's" leash to the lady and immediately went over to that cage.. I fell in love. I had been depressed lately after a break up with yet another sad-excuse and I had sworn no more dating for a while. I went home and immediately told mom about him. I was surprised, that she didn't think I was serious about getting him. After all, dad was not into anymore dogs in the house.

So, to my mother's surprise, Zack came home (to my parent's house mind you) that day and we have been together ever since. He has always been the constant in my life; before my husband, way before Mason. He was mine and he loved me no matter what. Don't get me wrong he was a spiteful little guy and well still is really. He has always been very healthy and has always slept beside me at night. Don't worry I am getting somewhere with this.

This past weekend, Zack bit Mason. Now before you start jumping to conclusions, there was no blood drawn and it was provoked. However, a bite is a bite and my husband and I vowed that once Mason came along, he takes first place. I know the circumstance was that Mason was tugging on his collar to get him to do something that he did not want to do, but still biting is unacceptable. I know what my husband's thoughts are (I don't even want to say it), but I cannot even bring myself to think about it. This has not been the first bite. He has bitten and growled at us all a few times, when he does not want to be bothered. He is getting old what do we expect? My head is filled with "what to do's" and sadly brings back some bitter memories..

2004: Daddy had been gone for almost a year now. Jaime was on the road with work, which was very common at the time. It was late, there were tears, The Cranberries were playing on the radio ("When Your gone", if I remember correctly). I laid on the bed with a hand full of pain pills. I was in a place at the time that I cannot describe. My daddy was gone, my mommy was so sick and I feared she would be gone soon too. I had nobody there for me at the time, just me and my pills. I went to the kitchen and got a glass of wine. I had never felt so sure about what I was about to do in my whole life until that night. I went back in to the bedroom and sat on the bed, closed my eyes and began to drink. I raised the pills to my mouth. Out of nowhere, Zack jumped up on the bed, took his snout and popped my hand so the pills fell to the floor. Surprised, I put my wine glass down and attempted to pick them up for fear he may eat them. He nuzzled under my hand and looked right into my eyes as if to say "what are you doing? Stop it!" The tears began to roll down my face quicker, but in a different way. I was relieved. I thought I had nobody that night, but I had Zack. He was my somebody. I put the pills in the toilet and poured the wine down the drain.

Depressing? Yes maybe, but that night was a secret between me and Zack for years. Zack was meant to be mine. I needed him and he has ALWAYS been there for me. I know it must sound crazy hearing someone talk about a dog like this, but after that night when I am feeling down, I can look into those loving black eyes of his and remember what he had done for me that late night. He couldn't tell anyone on me. He couldn't yell at me. All he had to do was look at me and he saved me.

For that reason, Zack will never leave my house. Sadly, he is getting older now. He is no longer a puppy and doesn't want to play as much as he used to. Biting or not, he is mine and I am his. He will stay by my side until his last day.

That's all for now!

Peace N Love

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Hello Beautiful.

This morning I got out of bed and started to walk out to the office, where I keep the scale. Just before I stepped on, I thought to myself NO I really don't want to ruin my morning this way. So I turned around and went back into the bathroom to shower. Why does THAT have to ruin my day? Why are weight and looks such an issue? I say that I don't care what people think, but the fact of the matter is, it is not people, it is me! I am the person that gives me a hard time.. Sounds crazy right?

So I stripped down and eyed myself in the mirror this morning. Very curvy! But I said "hello beautiful" giving it my best legitimate voice. Then I went about my morning getting ready for work.

As I was putting on my make-up, it then dawned on me that it is not just my body that bothers me, but my not so flawless nose..etc.

The painting you see above is called Venus of Urbino by Titian. I fell in love with this painting in college Art Appreciation years ago. It made me happy to see that there were/are men out there that find all woman beautiful. This was Titian's ideal woman..Any and all of his paintings right down his depiction of Mary Magdalene were of curvy busty beautiful woman.

So what happened? Why all of a sudden is it such a terrible thing to be a little curvier than the norm? What is the norm? Oh no, here I go psychologizing..

I have set a goal for myself and it started this morning. I am going to look into the mirror daily and say something I love about myself. Let's just face it our men love us, yes! but they are not the best at selling our beauty to us..unless the mood is right (if ya know what I mean). Whether we are bigger or smaller than we would like to be we are all gods art and I am going to start today, appreciating that!

I am beautiful and so are you. What is your favorite feature? Honestly to me, it is a joke sometimes, but I really LOVE my butt! Seriously, it is huge! But it is there and I think one of my best attributes.

Just gaze at that woman above.. She is beautiful.! At least I know that Titian would have hit on me..

Peace N Love

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A new Perspective..

After reading some comments on my post from this morning, I googled the quote that Daniel put in his comment "The will of god shall never lead you, where the grace of god cannot protect you". I found a poem that this went to and I felt the need to share it!

The will of God will never take you
Where the grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercy of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

Author unknown.

That is something that I need to learn.. I love that Daniel took the time and put that on my post. It really opened my eyes.. I have that poem taped to the inside of my journal and plan on reading it daily.
I want to put forth the effort to understand God because I cannot teach my son something that I do not fully understand..

Until next time..

Peace n Love.

Thoughts for today

Let me begin by saying, there are many topics in my life that I feel strongly about. If I offend, I apologize, but "freedom of speech is a bitch sometimes and so am I for that matter".

How is it that people can wake up in the morning and just go about their day without have a single moment of depression? How do they do that? Is their mind totally empty? Is there nothing bothering them? How do you stay positive when there are so many things weighing on your mind that seem so negative?

It makes perfect sense why I am not fully understood, because I don't understand you either. Walking around with a happy smile on your face all the time. It has to be fake! No one is that happy all the time. Or are they? Is it just me? Do I really just find things to worry about?

I have been told that having god in your life helps. Yea, I said it.. I said God!
What if you are angry with God? What if you and God are having an argument right now and simply cannot come to an agreement? Who settles that one? I try to be spiritual believe me, and I believe that there is a god, so don't worry, but in my experience alot of what he has done in my life and the lives of my loved ones is nothing less than evil and negative to me. I have this child-like hatred sometimes that makes me so angry it is unhealthy. Maybe one day something will happen that will make me feel like we are not being punished all the time. Some big act of, well yea God!.

I grew up going through the Catholic motions, Saturday: CCD, Sunday: Mass. Every week.. I felt like I was pretty "religious" and devoted to my god. Then all hell broke loose! (no pun intended there).

So for those of you who don't know.. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer in December of 2002 and died very shortly after in October of 2003. However, about 6 months or so after he was diagnosed, so was my mom!. Yea! I know crazy right?
Mom has been fighting her demon inside for going on 6 years now and just about every year there is a big scare in her health status. UP and DOWN is all i can say. There is this great ride that everyone talks about called "the emotional roller coaster". Yea Been on it for a while now.. Sometimes I just wish it would stop upside down and let me breath for a moment!

I guess some would argue that it is god that is keeping her alive. Okay I will take that. But why would he do it in the first place? Why did she get it? Why did dad get it? Why are murderers, rapists and pedophiles living healthy lives? Don't they deserve this more? I mean don't get me wrong, I would never wish this disease on anyone, but that doesn't mean that some people don't deserve to be punished.

That is how I feel today..

Thanks for reading.!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Here Goes

I have no idea what I am doing here. Honestly, my writing skills have been tucked away for quite some time now, so please bear with me. I guess since the definition of a blog is "journal-like", I could start by just giving a background about myself for those of you who don't know me. I am going to be turning 30 in June which, I guess, brings upon the thought that I am trying to do something different, now that I am no longer in my mid-20s. Let me see.. When I was an addictions counselor one of my favorite activities to get to know the clients was "who am I", which I found helped them to realize that their drugs did not define them. It works for anyone really. So, here goes:

First and foremost I am a mother..I am a wife a daughter a sister..I am an aunt a cousin a granddaughter. I am a best friend. I am a dreamer. I am a peacekeeper. I am a transcriptionist. I am a lover. I am a talker. I am a shoulder to cry on. I am an ear to listen.

I am a victim of rape, of losing someone, of watching someone die, of watching someone fight to stay alive. Change scares me.

I am a child at heart. I am VERY immature. I love too much and sometimes not enough. I am pushy (ask my husband).

I have been a Corrections officer, a drug counselor and a paralegal, none of which I stuck with. I get bored easily.

I am a hard worker, a perfectionist, a dog groomer and a published poet. I think I'm manic at times.

I am never satisfied with my self-image.

I would love to be a comedian, on Saturday night live. I want to be an actress. I want to be famous. I could not function without music..

I am alive..and I am loved.

Can you tell I am scatter brained?

I am honest, that is me.

Not sure if that helped me or you more.. I guess all in all I am just an average gal, that loves to write, make people laugh, and help. I am obsessed with helping people. And enjoy constructive criticism and helping people solve problems. I am very opinionated, but try not to offend.

I encourage you to do this same exercise, it is a great way look at the big picture of "yourself".

Peace n Love until next time.