We can all be a little dark!

You know, I have gone my whole life trying to make sure that I NEVER hurt anyones feelings even if it meant that it would hurt me first. I have never in my life wanted to watch someone else cry in pain. In fact, just the sight of someone else crying kills me, I just cannot handle it. Call me a softy, no backbone, whatever, I am a freaking human being! I love everyone. I love people who DO NOT love me back and it does'nt matter to me. I get my feelings hurt so easily it's not even funny, honestly it's sad. I try to make others love me, or even like me for that matter. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Surprisingly, the people that I think would love me more easily DON'T! So screw'em yea I said that SCREW YOU!! You don't want anything to do with me because of your childhood hang-ups guess what FINE! You are grown, I am grown. I'm tired of trying to force the impossible! For ONCE I am going to say what is on my mind and I am not going to worry about what it does to someone else, because Lord knows you don't give a rats ass what you are saying and if it's going to hurt me. It takes alot to make me mad. I get pissed just like the next person, but I try to make peace first. It takes ALOT to bring me to the point of crazyness. Which brings me to what has happened inside me today.

I thought that it was the greatest thing when I found someone who in my mind was a long lost part of my heart. I had these childish dreams that we would all become close and life would be different because that "hole" in my heart was filled. I was wrong, I honestly believe that I should have left well enough alone. It is not my part to force things in life. We share a dad and I guess, that is all we share.. Or sperm-donor, or dead beat, of piece of shit! Whatever the hell you want to call him. I was not around when your heartbreak happened and if I had been, I would have tried my hardest to help that from happening. So don't punish me because he was my father too. Don't punish be because you want to blame everything that went wrong in your life on him. I am sorry he did what he did, but I have no reason to be punished. He suffered and he died! I bet a part of you is happy that is the way he died. After what you said today, alot of me believes that is your thought.

I was angry with him, when I first spoke with you and I still am, but you have no right to talk about him like you did. NO RIGHT! You will meet your maker one day and regardless of what you do in life, if you don't change your ways you will ALWAYS be asking why! I tried! I tried so damn hard to make you be a part of things. I gave you space. I gave you time. I worried about you. If you had any care, you would not have said the things you said about the only man that I ever trusted before my husband. If you were the person I had hoped to God you were going to be, you would not have disrespected the man that I watched die of cancer. No, if you were you would let him rest in piece and be the grown man I had hoped you were.

He was my father and he took care of me and I will be damned if you will talk about him in the manner that you have! Beat him bloody!? You just walked away for ever! It's too late. Everyone says things that they don't mean, but they fix it themselves. I will not reach out anymore. Things are going to change in my heart! The door has just slammed on your hand! You make your descisions and then ask "WHY"!

Anger and hurt

(Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone. It's MY therapy afterall, it really doesn't have to!)