The further I get through this book (if you follow my blog you KNOW the book), no matter how long it takes, I begin to understand myself more. It may take me a week to get through one chapter (not much free time), but it could take me a few weeks to absorb that chapter. I have finally come to the chapter that explains the most about me (so far that is). Learning the art of acceptance.
When I was a counselor in a drug rehab, my biggest concern was that individuals that had addictions were going through the grief process the correct way. I had packets and reading material and a number of group meetings that helped them go through the entire process. In the midst of all that, I had just lost my father a year prior so it was not only a teaching experience, but a helpful learning experience for me as well. I taught everyone about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ACCEPTANCE). Nobody goes through these stages at the same pace. Depending on what you are grieving, it could take from days to years to fully accept the fact that this has happened. Just a side note, you can grieve anything, it does NOT have to be a death, it can be divorce, loss of job, home, anything. Everyone deals with loss in different ways, which makes it very hard for our loved ones to understand or even know what to do when we go through our stages.
The crazy thing that I thought about during my reading this chapter is, not that I lost my father or grandma or dog or any other family member, but to be honest I think my biggest problem is the loss of my girly parts from my hysterectomy in 2008 (go ahead male readers, click off the blog if you must). Even though this is my loss, I still grieve it the same way that I have anything else. I remember the way things went when my dad died and that was the first time I had ever really knew what loss was. I went through all the stages and I finally arrived at acceptance about a year or two ago (that is also in a past blog).
I frequently tell people that when I had my hysterectomy, I went into the OR one person and came out quite another. I lost Heather in there. She went in and some crazy psycho woman missing organs came into the recovery room. It sounds funny and I often laugh about it (on a good day) but it was a very sad experience for me and I am still suffering from it. Don’t get me wrong, it was MY decision to do, knowing good and well it was permanent. I was tired of living with pain and I just wanted to live a normal life. My doctor and I had spoken about it for quite a few years and I finally came to the decision to just do it and move on. NOT THAT EASY!
DENIAL:
This took me quite some time to get through. Part of me felt great still I didn’t want to lie in bed and recover, I wanted to do things and move around. I thought “this isn’t so bad at all” I can handle a hot flash here and there, I’M GOOD! Until all the menopause crap smacked me right in the face.
ANGER:
Wait a minute. Now, I want another baby. Damn that doctor for not explaining all of this to me. It’s his fault. Why didn’t someone talk me out of this? Why did I do this to myself? Why was I given all these problems in the first place? Part of me still gets pretty angry at least every other month.
DEPRESSION:
I am way too young for this shit. I can’t and really don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to be touched. I keep having these feelings that my husband wants to leave me for someone else. My family is going to end up hating me before it’s over. I flip out at the smallest things. I can’t do this, how the hell am I supposed to take care of everyone if I feel this way. Now I will get some medication. RIGHT? WRONG.
The depression has always been my hardest stage. I am great when it comes to helping others with their problems, but man do I suck at trying to deal with myself. Pass the alcohol please or maybe a nerve pill, anything to make me numb for a little while, so I don’t feel accountable for what I am feeling or what I am about to say when I flip out. With this, I am not sure, but I think I may be stuck in this stage of the grief process. I really don’t want to accept it even though I have no choice. I want to magically wake up one morning feeling awesome and wanting to jump around and get laid and be all crazy happy. It hasn’t happened yet though.
I guess, what I am getting at is this is my grief. I am grieving the loss of the woman I was. Though she was already off kilter, the events that happened October 20, 2008, made her 110 times worse. That girl in a way lost herself to never be found again. Which sucks, but at least I can recognize that this is my biggest problem and it has WAY too much power over me. A little 12 step reference there. I want to change, it is just very hard. Alcohol doesn’t help (especially when you’re a binge drinker); medication doesn’t do anything but give me more side effects. I just want to get to the acceptance part and that is hard to get to when I am always trying to mask how I feel and hide my pain and grief. This is me, broken into pieces all the time, but at 31, I am finally realizing it is time to accept the things I cannot change, pray for the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Pray for me.
Peace n love
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