Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Mental breakthrough



For the first time in a long while, I have found myself in one of my depressing, yet favorite moods with headphones blaring music that is sure to help me release (I have done some of my best writing in a mood like this). I feel like I could go in any direction at this point. The tears are there, but so is the madness and the laughter at the same time. As I have said before, I really don't know what I would do without music. Pretty sure music is what helped me make it through school and pretty much every bad (or good) thing that I have come upon in life. Maybe it's hormones or lack there of, whatever it is, it feels like a good time to put it down in words. I have been trying for a couple of weeks to really let loose and I get to a certain point, the tears fill my eyes and then I just stop and erase it. I am honestly not sure what that means, but I am trying not to pressure myself. Afterall, my blog is MINE and it is MY therapy and I feel that when it is time, it will come flowing as it normally does. I think that's where the title came from for this one, a little Psych term if you will.

I have got to stop thinking so much. I feel like my head is always going and I can't stop it from running all the time. I swear, if I ran on batteries, I would have to recharge every hour of the day. I have come to realize that the term "Hot Mess" refers to myself alot of the time. In my head, I don't mean HOT as in sexy hot or anything, I mean HOT as in ready to explode and well Mess it pretty self-explanatory. I just feel like I am on the verge of exploding and if I don't handle myself now or let it out, I may end up spontaneously combusting and making a huge disarray of everything.

It's days like today that make it really hard for me to hold on. I feel like the world is spinning too fast for me to keep up and if I stop moving, I will just fall flat on my face. I have reached the point in my life, where it feels like I am just tired of trying. I want to give up, because that would really be the easiest thing for me to do. Then again, when has anyone known me to just give up because something got hard? Afterall, I finished college and I feel like that makes me an intelligent person that can acomplish things maybe anything. Anything, that is, if I would stop trying to be so safe all the time. I guess that is just something that comes with being a parent. Safety is good, especially when it is financial safety.

I am a very peaceful person you may not think that when we first meet because I am very outspoken and pretty much say what I want when the time is right. I don't hurt peoples feelings (purposely at least), I just want to make everyone happy. I guess it's when I come across someone who constantly brings me down, that I just can't handle much more. I literally sat here yesterday and recited the Serenity prayer. I just need strength to bite my tongue ahd go about my business. Hopefully one day (SOONER than later) my happiness will shine through the dark cloud that has been hovering over me for a few years. Maybe....

Peace and Love

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