This week, I turned over the
proverbial new leaf.
I have never spoken to anyone professional about
anything EVER, I am normally the ear for others (which I love and cherish),
however the recent passing of my mom has opened up a whole new me that I am not
very happy with. I am hoping that speaking to a professional will help me to
vent/write a bit more (good for me, not necessarily for you). Writing has
always been my “out” and I have done it since I was a young emotional teen, so
when I realized I can’t get the words out, I thought it might be time to change
my approach. Let me just preface this with the fact that,
NO I am not embarrassed
that I am seeing a counselor, nobody should be. Anyone that has read my blogs,
knows that I tell all and you can like it or hate it, you don’t have to read
it.
I am going to try and write
at least once a week or every other, just to get it out, because that is the
best medicine for me. This week, was my first appointment and I had a migraine
the day after from all the crying, if that tells you anything. I learned a lot in
the hour that I was there. I learned things that I have been afraid to say or
feel. I felt like for once I was talking to someone who was not judging what I
was saying, she was cheering for me, and I have not been use to that. Yes, I
know it’s her job to be my cheerleader, but still it felt good to just unload
to a neutral party. I always have and always will be the caretaker, but I
cannot emotionally help others, if I am having a hard time taking care of my
own mental state.
Even before mom passed in
March, I was a very apologetic person. I apologize for my mood no matter what
it was, hell I would apologize for apologizing. Well, I was told to stop saying sorry for
feeling the way that I fee. I need to stop saying sorry for being sad that my
mother died, I need to stop saying sorry for crying out of the blue and being
so sad that I don’t want to get out of bed, this is all normal. I’m NOT sorry
for the tears I have and will keep shedding for my mother.
I also realized that I have
put off the grieving process; I figured keeping busy would be the best thing
for me (fixing a bench, making blankets, painting wine bottles, etc). Now that
Mason is back in school and I am still out of a job, I have too much time on my
hands and I am forced to feel this pain.
So this is the beginning… I
cannot be a happy mother, wife, sister, aunt, granddaughter or friend, if
I am not happy in my own skin. I am going
to grieve and I am going to continue to be confused about how everything
happened so quickly, but I am allowed to feel that way. Until next week (hopefully)
Peace n Love
