Not Sorry...

This week, I turned over the proverbial new leaf.  

I have never spoken to anyone professional about anything EVER, I am normally the ear for others (which I love and cherish), however the recent passing of my mom has opened up a whole new me that I am not very happy with. I am hoping that speaking to a professional will help me to vent/write a bit more (good for me, not necessarily for you). Writing has always been my “out” and I have done it since I was a young emotional teen, so when I realized I can’t get the words out, I thought it might be time to change my approach. Let me just preface this with the fact that, 

NO I am not embarrassed that I am seeing a counselor, nobody should be. Anyone that has read my blogs, knows that I tell all and you can like it or hate it, you don’t have to read it.

I am going to try and write at least once a week or every other, just to get it out, because that is the best medicine for me. This week, was my first appointment and I had a migraine the day after from all the crying, if that tells you anything. I learned a lot in the hour that I was there. I learned things that I have been afraid to say or feel. I felt like for once I was talking to someone who was not judging what I was saying, she was cheering for me, and I have not been use to that. Yes, I know it’s her job to be my cheerleader, but still it felt good to just unload to a neutral party. I always have and always will be the caretaker, but I cannot emotionally help others, if I am having a hard time taking care of my own mental state.

Even before mom passed in March, I was a very apologetic person. I apologize for my mood no matter what it was, hell I would apologize for apologizing.  Well, I was told to stop saying sorry for feeling the way that I fee. I need to stop saying sorry for being sad that my mother died, I need to stop saying sorry for crying out of the blue and being so sad that I don’t want to get out of bed, this is all normal. I’m NOT sorry for the tears I have and will keep shedding for my mother.

I also realized that I have put off the grieving process; I figured keeping busy would be the best thing for me (fixing a bench, making blankets, painting wine bottles, etc). Now that Mason is back in school and I am still out of a job, I have too much time on my hands and I am forced to feel this pain.  

So this is the beginning… I cannot be a happy mother, wife, sister, aunt, granddaughter or friend, if I am not happy in my own skin.  I am going to grieve and I am going to continue to be confused about how everything happened so quickly, but I am allowed to feel that way. Until next week (hopefully)

Peace n Love