Year in Review 2012

I was working on another blog a few nights ago and I stopped because I hit a brick wall. So this morning, I went back for some inspiration and read my blog for December 28, 2011. WOW is all I can say, I jump around ALOT! either way here goes. So, fixing me and loving me? Let's start with that one. I think this year, I have actually fixed SOME aspects of myself and then I believe I may have tucked the other aspects in a tight little drawer that keeps all my other little secrets tightly sealed. I have alot of asspects people (see what I did there?) sorry. Either way I do feel at this point in time that even though money is a bit tighter and I miss my roomie (cuz I know she will read this as always) I made the right decision! I am happier and that is all that matters to me and my family right now. I am not living any healther, but I will continue to work really hard on that (wink wink). Loving me? Yes I have actually attempted that this year. I have been wearing tighter clothing at some people's suggestion and I do look at myself naked in the mirror DAILY and stare for a few minutes at a time. I think that is the only way, to force myself to be happy with me and I think it is working. Now we move on to perhaps my year in review. A brief synopsis if you will. CANCER! Yup that about sums it up because cancer has been the reason for both of the almost deaths in my family this past year. My mother suffered terribly through kidney failure, dialysis, heart failure and death's door and as she alwasys does CAME BACK KICKIN ASS! My father in law has not had the same luck with his after effects of chemotherapy. He recently went into kidney failure and continues on dialysis, had a heart attack and is actually in the hospital as we speak awaiting triple bypass surgery on January 2nd (prayers appreciated) and with his silly laugh still rolling. Mimi got through her radiation and is doing well and I thank God every day for all of the above. I couldn't deal with losing my mother, I am not sure how helpful I would be to my husband if he lost his father and words could not express what I would go through if I couldn't speak to my Mimi each week. NEW yes new! My new home and surroundings. I am in love my the neighborhood that we have moved into and the fact that i'm not worried about my son getting hit by a car that feels the need to fly down the road. I love that I have such friendly neighbors and Mason has so many new friends! There is really nothing bad that I can say about the NEW that hit us this year. We have been blessed and continue to count our lucky stars for where we are right now! I also got so lucky to spend a couple of days with my niece and nephew for thanksgiving and just watching all the kids play together like they have been right nextdoor the whole time was a gift nobody could ever give up. Even though some people have thrown that away on their own. I guess now is when I am supposed to move on to the year that is coming at me head on right? Well, if you follow me you know that I DO NOT make resolutions because that sets me up for failure and I just can't handle that so I think perhaps we will go with this... I am going to continue to be me and do what I do best. Love, LOVE LOVE! I hope this year brings peace to my family and better health to all. I don't want anything for myself anymore, I enjoy watching others be happy. I am not sure if that makes me more mature or not. I hope that I get to see my family more this year than I did last year. I miss them more and more each day. I hope those that have had bad luck this past year, get their heads out of their asses and learn to move forward. And those with hate in their hearts can overcome that and realize we are only here for THIS life and THIS life only....With that.. PEACE LOVE AND CELEBRATE A NEW YEAR!!!

Tis the season

You're not rid of me that easily people. It has been a while since I have blogged. I guess since most of my blogs have been depressing and sad, I really haven't had much to write about. Alot has happened since September. For starters, I finally got out of my biggest unhappiness, my job of four years. I can freely speak about it now seeing as I am no longer employed there. It took me years to make my husband believe and trust in the fact that I could work from home and that in the end it would be the best for Mason and our family. I am here where I belong as a mommy. I have got more irons in the fire right now, trying to prove to him that I can (as I always have) be resourceful and make that money (don't get any dirty ideas silly). I will do what I need to do to STAY right where I am. HERE! I think this is where me and my husband are slightly different. We came from very different up bringings in life. I ALWAYS had everything I needed and or wanted growing up, even though my parents couldn't afford it. They were too busy for the easy "family" type things in life, so they bought us stuff. Not that I am knocking them for that, they did the best they could with THREE girls at such young ages. His family didn't always have it all, but he was raised just as good with more of the "family" type things. Not everybody chooses to rack up debt to make their children happy. I DO NOT want to do that at all. This is where we butt heads. If we have the money, he wants to give me and Mason things that are not necessary because he can. I want to find the cheapest route around that. It is so strange how our up bringing as children can form us into such different adults. I could do without any type of name brand anything and never miss it. I have never been about looks, which is a 50/50 thing. Sometimes I look like quite a mess especially now that I DON'T have to get out of the house every day. Yes, now the income has gotten cut in half, but the fact that I can spend all this time with my son in this awesome house is payment enough for me. I don't NEED anything anymore to be honest. I have everything I could have ever wanted and/or needed. I have been getting that yearly question from family this year "what do you want for Christmas Heather?" I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart right now that I have EVERYTHING I need right now. If there is anything I have learned watching my parents become ill over the years, there is NOTHING that I need in life that can replace the love I have for my family. That is what the season is about isn't it? Peace n Love.

Sucks for me!

Do you ever think to yourself “today is the day”? Today is the day I change, or today is the day I do something right? I do EVERY SINGLE DAY! It made me think this morning, that I am my worst critic. I am always arguing with myself. No Heather you can’t possibly do that. Heather you have issues and there is no help for you. Heather you are never going to get what you want. I say it to myself so much that I believe it and I assume everyone else feels that way too. If I hate things that I do, everyone must hate it too, right? I don’t want to talk to anyone about it because I just assume what their feelings will be. The biggest reason is I am afraid of what someone else’s feelings might be. While I love having time alone, I have realized, I hate being alone with my thoughts. They are dangerous to me, always keeping me awake and making me think about things that I don’t want to think about. I am beginning to see a pattern. I WANT to be alone, but then when I am alone, I just want to go to sleep almost so that I can shut my brain off. It just never works in my favor and it is at the point now where it is driving me completely insane. I have been trying for years to get myself out of this darkness, and it seems I get close to the light and someone or something pushes me back in. I think of the Creepy Santa on “A Christmas Story” pushing his nasty boot up against my forehead so I slide back down (it is funny, admit it). I have said it before and I will say it again, I have a great life and family, I am in no way complaining. It’s just how do you explain what goes on in your head to someone who just doesn’t get it? Or perhaps doesn’t want to hear it? I think in order to be truly happy, EVERY aspect needs to be a good fit. If one thing is bringing you down, it tends to bring everything else down right on top of you. In my case there is ONE thing, one big thing that is probably the most important thing in order to get by in life, which I am terribly unhappy with. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning and I just want to keep driving once I get there. I want to cry all day and just feel all out miserable. That cannot be healthy and I know that. But what does a responsible adult do? Walk away? I have tried, I have tried to replace it and there came the boot again right on my face! I could not contain my happiness when I thought I finally found an out and then BAM gone again. I don’t know what to do anymore about it, except accept it and try and be happy. Fake it till you make it right? Peace n Love

Forget the Joneses!

I never thought that I would wake up in the morning, look around me and say “wow” this is real. I know it sounds cliché, but I really feel that way right now. We just moved into a home that far exceeds the one we have been in for the past 6 plus years. We are now in a neighborhood with a Home Owner’s Association, which has it’s positives, and most definitely it’s negatives. I am by NO means gloating or bragging. I am proud! Very proud, of my husband…. I know I have worked hard myself grooming dogs on the side for the past four years, along with my regular full time job, but I only have my husband to thank for all that we have accomplished together in our lives. His hard work and time away from his family has always been to get us here. I am just proud to be able to say that at our young ages, we have arrived. For the first few years of our lives we were apart A LOT. It was hard, very hard. So hard that I took a lot of my anger and sadness out on him, acting in ways, I regret sometimes. I made him feel bad especially after Mason came, even though I knew in my heart he was only gone because he HAD to be, not because he wanted to be. He would drive through the night to get to his jobs, just so he could spend just a little more time at home with me and then when Mason came along with us. While it was terribly hard on both of us, and sometimes strained our marriage here and there, we always resolved the situation and talked it out. We knew that it was us and only us that could make things happen, together as a team. I entered marriage with this man because of pure love and friendship. I didn’t want or need a huge wedding because our life together had already begun; we just needed the certificate to prove it legally. That is what marriage and family is supposed to be, work. It is not always hard, but then again it is rarely easy. You have your ups and downs. You tell the other HONESTLY what you thinking or going through, regardless of the consequences and you deal with it together. After all, that is what vows are, a bond. It took us a while to learn to keep things to ourselves and not run to our mother’s for answers and comfort. We realized we needed to make our own decisions and come up with our own answers together, this is OUR life. My point of this blog is not to brag or boast about how happy I am with our new digs (even though it is pretty AWESOME!) or the life I have, it is perhaps to help someone, anyone that may be having some sort of issue, fine clarity. I know life gets hard and people screw up and make mistakes, but if you can’t turn to your husband or wife, who do you turn to? You vow to love and spend the rest of your lives together and that is the purpose of marriage. When things get tough you don’t back out, you forge forward. When it seems like you have nothing left you LAUGH about it, suck it up and figure it out. YOU NEVER GIVE UP, because in the end your soul mate is all you will have left and you will always need them. Sorry I jumped around a little, it’s kind of my style these days. You get the picture though.

Not for you..

My tears begin to fall. Not because I feel bad or have pity for you Not because I think that I could have stopped you. My tears begin to fall For the babies you left behind and the family that loves you so much. For the broken pieces in your heart and mind that cause you to do things nobody understands. My tears begin to fall. Not because I am sad. Not because I am angry. My tears begin to fall. For the heartache you have caused. For the fact that you don’t care. My tears begin to fall. Not because I want to slap you. Not because I’m not sure when I will see you again My tears begin to fall Because of everything you have done without a thought or care. Because you have drained me of everything I have in me. Because I have nothing more to give. My tears will continue to fall.

Not anymore

I believe in alcohol. No I am not drunk, but I have had 3 glasses of my favorite brand of wine, Relax, which is appropriate for how it makes me feel. Alcohol makes you honest even when you don’t want to be honest. It has been called a “truth serum” or “pain reliever” and man do I believe that. That is why when someone has a bad day they turn to alcohol. That is exactly what I did today. I have been having a bad day every day lately and you know what I am done having bad days. So drink I will. I KNOW I am a good person. Not because I have never done anything wrong, because in my mind, I have done plenty wrong in my time, but I have always been there for everyone, before myself. I would save half dead birds in my back yard when I was growing up. I wanted to save the damn world and everyone in it. That was my job in life, so I thought, until now. No matter what I said out loud, I was a follower and never a leader (man that hurts coming out). If someone was upset, I made them feel better. If I got angry and actual SAID what I meant, look out because then I would feel bad for upsetting someone else and apologize. Did you get that? I would apologize for being upset or angry or FEELING anything. That’s me! The worst part about it, was those around me knew how I was and laughed right in my face when I ever showed anger, “Oh look at Heather she is trying to be a bitch, how funny”. NOPE not anymore! I am a grown woman and I deserve to feel things too. If you want to wipe your feet on my doormat you best keep walking because I picked that up months ago. You’re not welcome here anymore. I have always been an honest helper, peacemaker, go between, scapegoat, whatever you want to call me I have never asked for ANYTHING in return, NEVER. I have cried painful tears. I have wanted to hurt people, I have wanted to hurt myself more times than I would like to admit and before I had my husband, who did I have? NOBODY! That is the honest truth. I was always afraid to say these types of things, but this is the new (maybe not) improved Heather. I have been in pain too, but you don’t see me falling back on excuses to screw up my life do you? NOPE! Yea let me ring my bell really quick. Sometimes I wish I had excuses to just give it all up, that would make life a lot easier, but that is not what grown up adults do, we forge on and keep going. I remember EVERYTHING, good or bad, that has ever happened to me. I am not sure if that is a gift or a curse. That is the dividing line between caring and not giving a shit. I have always tried so hard to find the good in everything and everyone. Sometimes, there just isn’t any good left and I just can’t put it there, no matter how hard I try. I just can’t be bothered anymore. I am so tired. I am tired of caring, using up my good energy on bad. I have to move on and take care of my family and myself. I can’t keep erasing things and pushing them to the back burner that is just not how things work. Thank god for the fearless words that come out in my blogs, or I would lose it. So next time you do something that may affect someone else, try and think of that person before yourself, just for a second… that is call being a human with a heart, you should try it sometime. When you have time of course. Peace love and HONESTLY I’m done!

Part 2 SADNESS of growing up

With the anger out of the way, now I will move on to ME. I am just plain and simple not happy these days (derr can ya tell?). I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways. I sit here thinking what would happen if I just packed up and relocated. Just out of the blue picked everything up and took off? I am sure some of you have thought the same thing. I joke all the time about buying an RV and making the road my home, like a band of gypsies and that makes me smile! I know that I SHOULD be happy, I have a great husband who takes very good care of his family I. I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge and plenty of love in my home. Is this just boredom? I have always learned that people appreciate true honesty rather than some clouded junk and if any of you REALLY know me, you know I don’t cloud much. As the world changes around us, our job is to change in certain ways to adapt to the world in which we live. However, some of us choose to stay the way we are and attempt to defy this. Don’t get me wrong, nobody should change who they are, I am 31 now and I still feel like I am the same person I was 20 years ago. The thing that happens when we become adults (responsible adults that is) is we change the way we see things, or the way we deal with things. I was talking with a friend of mine the other night and he told me that maybe I just need to sit back and look at what I do have and that usually helps him and to do what makes me happy. I think just for a moment, when I’m writing my mind actually becomes clear and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Writing is the one thing that has always made me happy. The only thing I have always had in my life for a release is writing. Sometimes I share, sometimes I write and then delete or put it away. This is what I enjoy, but I could never make money doing it because I am better at expressing what is inside me rather than writing on certain topics for the most part. I have grown up alot over the past 10 years. Am I still the same person that cracks jokes to make you laugh, Hell yes I am, but I am grown and responsible. Let’s take for instance when I became a mommy; I didn’t fight it, I just changed my ways like I was supposed to in order to take proper care of my child. Having a child isn’t just carrying it around for 9 months, popping it out feeding it and putting it to bed. Having a child is a LIFE-LONG commitment, not to be entered into lightly. There are so many things that you just CAN’T (or definitely shouldn’t) do when you are a parent. Don’t get me wrong, there are times if you get lucky enough, to go out and party or live it up for a night or two, but they are few and very far between. Your child is your responsibility for ever, even when they are grown and adults, they will still look to you for guidance. The reason I bring that up, is because that is the only time throughout my day that I feel like I am doing something right and something that I am happy and proud of. I am good at it! I love taking care of my son, and when he tells me he loves me it just makes it that much better. If only I could get paid to do that, right? So see, at this point my unhappiness has alot to do with what I like and don't like to do which in turn, I think still makes me kind of immature.. I think being slightly immature makes me a great mom. To me there just comes a time, when you need to pack up your toys, put away your crayons and grow up. To some people, growing up is an obvious step in life that they take and move on quickly. For others, it seems to be refused. I haven't refused it, I just refuse to be unhappy with it... Here's hoping my next blog is HAPPY!!! Peace Love and immaturity

Part 1 ANGER

If you haven’t noticed yet, my blogs are mostly angry or depressing. I rarely do one that is funny or entertaining. I save that for my notebook that I will use down the road when I finally get the gall up to stand up in front of an audience at an open mic night or something. As I have said before, you don’t go to therapy because you’re happy though do you? NOPE and this is my couch to lie on for free, here we go again!! Let me just get the anger out of the way first: I read another chapter in the book I have been reading on and off for the past 3 years or so (that’s just sad) on making decisions for yourself. I CAN make decisions. Not that I don’t make decisions, I totally do, but they are usually decisions that include my family or our lives as a whole. I do however; have a really hard time making decisions for myself. I don’t know if that is just something that comes with being married or that I have lost a lot of my independence or what, but I just can’t seem to make my own decisions. But I am going to attempt one that is very hard for me, right here and right now. I am no longer going to be a doormat, punching bag or something for you to shit on. I will no longer put up with less than what I give out. I am full of love and I spread it around to people that should be holding on to it and passing it back to me, but I don’t seem to get it back, especially since I have grown up. I am done! I am done being screwed, put in the corner, ignored, laughed at and down right treated like dirt. I am not that person anymore. I am the new improved Heather! You will not take advantage of me, you WILL respect me. I give everyone chances, over and over again and for what? To get shit on again!? NOPE not anymore. Yes, this may be about one specific person, and I am sure that person can see this, but this is for all those that have screwed me or taken advantage of me in the past or currently are, back up! The girl who once had a very limber backbone is new and improved! I am stronger than ever and I guess I have you all to thank FOR ONCE. I don’t deserve the treatment I receive, I deserve so much better and I will get that! I WILL! So don’t come knocking, don’t think, she’ll come around, because I won’t, I have turned the corner of not giving a shit and I like it here. Keep digging your holes deeper and deeper, because I have put up my shovel for GOOD! I believe blood is thicker than water, but I have enemies that have given me more respect then some of my blood! Moving on.....

Damn Kids

I totally lost count of all the times I have had a rant about the youth of today. I don’t remember ever being this opinionated about kids back before I had a child of my own, except when the Columbine shooting happened, which changed every perspective I had. Then when Virginia Tech happened, I pretty much lost all hope. Let me start by saying WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? Is it because kids are having kids? Is it because parents just don’t want to be involved or plain and simple don’t care?

I find myself always watching children when I drop Mason off at school. I was driving down the road this morning and saw a young boy about 13 or so, walking away from the school, with something in his hand. When I got closer I realized that it was some sort of gaming thing, but still why was my first thought a weapon of sorts? Because that is what is happening! Kids are getting guns and knives and taking their crazy depression or bullying sadness out on their peers. Kids need an outlet, I have always been a firm believer. Whether you buy them a punching bag or put them in Martial Arts, they NEED an outlet and sometimes it’s just not cool to talk to mom and dad, which sucks but it’s the truth. Let them know you are there, no matter what!

I was bullied in school, I was picked on in school and I hated every minute of it. I was one of those kids that kept it to myself. Yes, I did have depression as early as a lot of these kids, but if there is one thing I will never forget that my parents taught me was, “don’t take shit from anyone and have self respect”. I took it for a long time until I finally just decided IM DONE! I may be small (height wise) but I won’t back down, not in this life and that is what helped. I played the crazy side of it and it worked for me. I just don’t understand where kids think that attempting and/or taking their lives or the lives of others proves anything. I myself have been in situations like that and yes in the moment, that seems like the best answer! I will just end my pain myself, because nobody else is going to end it for me.

Whatever happened to kids getting in trouble for smoking a little pot or sneaking a beer out of dad’s fridge? You know normal young kid stuff? Now they go straight down the road of kill kill kill! The fact of the matter is there is always going to be a bully or pain in the ass in your life. ALWAYS! I don’t care how old you are, whether it is a sibling, friend or co-worker. There is always going to be someone who tries to get the better of you. It is how we choose to deal with it that makes or breaks us. I only have one child, and though sometimes I wish I had more, I smack myself and realize I have enough with just one. I am going to instill in him, the same values my parents instilled in me. Fighting isn’t the answer, but don’t take shit from anyone!

Even worse, now these little girls are putting up YouTube videos of themselves with the question “do you think I’m pretty or do you like me?” That is just setting yourself up for embarrassment and sadness. There is always going to be that asshole out there that just says you’re fat and ugly for now reason, but to make themselves feel funny. Technology has become this huge thing with kids that are younger and younger. Parents need to be parents and monitor! I mean really monitor, that is your freaking job!!

I am 31 years old and I have NEVER been in a physical fight besides the small you push me, then I will push you type of deal and in the ring sparring for Tae Kwon Do. I, to this day have no idea how that happened, but I kept that voice in the back of my head that kept me calm and told me, it’s not worth it.

We can’t baby them all the time, like we want to, but I will be damned if my kid is a bully or becomes the victim of such.

DO YOUR JOB MOM AND DAD!!

Peace and Love

Change'll do you good

I’m sure it’s common knowledge, but when you are unhappy in one aspect of your life, most everything else falls into the category of unhappiness. It sucks that it happens that way, but I have yet to find a way to control my border in between. I have read often that you should deal with one problem at a time instead of attacking it all at once. It’s like an addict trying to go to rehab and detox off of their drug and quit smoking at the same time. Take it slow, do one thing to change at a time. I know I always use drug rehab as a way of explaining myself, but I guess that is something I feel strongly about and know more than I would like to know about. I can also use the Aitkin’s diet as an example, during the induction stage you are supposed to STOP eating any carbs. That is the most sleepy, depressing, angry time of that entire diet.

You can totally put your body into shock no matter what it is you are trying to fix, change get off of. No matter what addiction you have, drugs, food, sex etc your body will not be happy with you at first at all. In fact your body will do everything it can to tell your brain that you NEED to give up on the whole quitting situation and go back to what is comfortable. The fact of the matter is, that would be the easiest way to deal with it, wouldn’t it?

I am struggling with certain “unhappy” things in my life and man would it be awesome if I could just give up and start from scratch. I think about it all the time. How easy it would be to just live and be happy with no negativity at all, right? The problem is that the minute I had my son, what I wanted took the backseat and that was something I had to get used to pretty quickly and I am totally fine with that, it is my mind that makes me crazy and tries to push me in the wrong direction. So I can’t just give up, I can’t just move on without him in mind, because every single decision I make has to have that child in mind or there could be consequences. The words selfish and mommy do not mesh well, unless you just don’t care for your kids in any way, and if that’s the case, then go for it, say goodbye to them because it will happen sooner or later.

I have never felt so weak in my life. I have always been a very strong person (at least I think so). I am always there to pick YOU up when you’re down, why does it seem so hard to pick myself up? Some mornings, I just don’t want to go on and have to drag myself out of the bed with the help of that strong little man I call my son. The beautiful thing about being a parent is that our children love us no matter what. They don’t see us in any light except the brightest and they deserve the same. My little guy doesn’t deserve the bitch that I am some nights. He deserves the crazy happy mommy that dances to silly music and chases him around the house.

So now that I am about out of words for now, all I can finish with is, things will have to change, or else… (feel free to read between the lines, just because I blog doesn't mean I will tell all).

Peace and Love.

Detachment

We have all had that terrible feeling in the pit of our stomach, when we are gone or leaving for a vacation and we feel like there is just SOMETHING we have forgotten or something that is missing. That has got to be one of the worse feelings ever. The only problem is lately, I have been feeling that just about daily. I wish it was because I was going on daily vacations, but it’s almost like I feel like there is just something in my life that has gone missing or I have left behind somewhere. This may sound confusing to some, but most of the time I find that there are more of you out there that read my blogs, that do actually have the same feeling that I do and I think that is why I post such things. I don’t mind sharing my inner most thoughts, it really doesn’t bother me and blogging is the best way to do it because you can read it if you want and if you don’t want to, don’t. That way I don’t feel like I’m forcing things on anyone, or putting anything on anyone else. I’m just letting it out and that is the whole point.

Regardless, here goes. I have had this feeling for quite some time now. I am not sure when it started, or when it will end, but I think I have to figure it out before it gets any worse. I have issues, like anyone else, but lately I feel like my issues have been taken over by my feeling of responsibility for other’s issues. The problem is that I am letting this happen. I make everyone else’s problems mine when I have no business in them. I try and try and then I get pushed back and this has pretty much happened, my ENTIRE life. The crazy part about all this is I never realize it until it’s too late. I am now going to make reference (again) to the book I have been reading for over a year now, because I think I am finally getting it.

Chapter 8: Set Yourself Free; “Let go and Let God”

Chapter 10: Live your own life “The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to tend to our own affairs”. (Codependent No More; How to stop controlling others and Start caring for yourself. By: Melody Beattie).


That is just a small amount of what I think I am finally understanding about this book and the sad part is, now I want to start reading it from the beginning again. I read those chapters and at the end of the chapters they have activities to do to help you. At the time of reading the chapters, I guess maybe I wasn’t ready to do them. The word “Detach” was used a lot and it scared me. But I think I have hit that “wall” everyone talks about. At 31 I want/need to detach from people that are sucking the life out of me. I don’t want or need this stress and anxiety anymore. This doesn’t mean I don’t care anymore, this just means that I am finally seeing that being the “caregiver” to people who don’t care back is not doing anything for me but bringing me down and hurting me in the end. I hate that it took this long into my adult life to realize it, but I guess it’s better late than never.

I guess what I’m saying at this point is, it feels good to find what has been missing and it really shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize what it was. I have been missing from my life for quite some time now and I think it is high time to take myself back and bring me back to life. I deserve good and I deserve happy. I’m done with YOUR problems, it’s time to focus on my own..
Peace, love and DETACHMENT!

A Mental breakthrough

For the first time in a long while, I have found myself in one of my depressing, yet favorite moods with headphones blaring music that is sure to help me release (I have done some of my best writing in a mood like this). I feel like I could go in any direction at this point. The tears are there, but so is the madness and the laughter at the same time. As I have said before, I really don't know what I would do without music. Pretty sure music is what helped me make it through school and pretty much every bad (or good) thing that I have come upon in life. Maybe it's hormones or lack there of, whatever it is, it feels like a good time to put it down in words. I have been trying for a couple of weeks to really let loose and I get to a certain point, the tears fill my eyes and then I just stop and erase it. I am honestly not sure what that means, but I am trying not to pressure myself. Afterall, my blog is MINE and it is MY therapy and I feel that when it is time, it will come flowing as it normally does. I think that's where the title came from for this one, a little Psych term if you will.

I have got to stop thinking so much. I feel like my head is always going and I can't stop it from running all the time. I swear, if I ran on batteries, I would have to recharge every hour of the day. I have come to realize that the term "Hot Mess" refers to myself alot of the time. In my head, I don't mean HOT as in sexy hot or anything, I mean HOT as in ready to explode and well Mess it pretty self-explanatory. I just feel like I am on the verge of exploding and if I don't handle myself now or let it out, I may end up spontaneously combusting and making a huge disarray of everything.

It's days like today that make it really hard for me to hold on. I feel like the world is spinning too fast for me to keep up and if I stop moving, I will just fall flat on my face. I have reached the point in my life, where it feels like I am just tired of trying. I want to give up, because that would really be the easiest thing for me to do. Then again, when has anyone known me to just give up because something got hard? Afterall, I finished college and I feel like that makes me an intelligent person that can acomplish things maybe anything. Anything, that is, if I would stop trying to be so safe all the time. I guess that is just something that comes with being a parent. Safety is good, especially when it is financial safety.

I am a very peaceful person you may not think that when we first meet because I am very outspoken and pretty much say what I want when the time is right. I don't hurt peoples feelings (purposely at least), I just want to make everyone happy. I guess it's when I come across someone who constantly brings me down, that I just can't handle much more. I literally sat here yesterday and recited the Serenity prayer. I just need strength to bite my tongue ahd go about my business. Hopefully one day (SOONER than later) my happiness will shine through the dark cloud that has been hovering over me for a few years. Maybe....

Peace and Love