Thursday, April 9, 2015

It's not.. I know

Disclaimer: Tissues may be necessary

This has got to happen. I have to let some of this out. 

It has been 17 days since my mother passed away, but over a month since she was here with me in my house and we actually spoke real words that made sense. 

When mom came to Tennessee, it took me months to convince her that it was for the best and she could NOT live alone. I was fully prepared to take care of her no matter how long it took. I spent every minute I could with her even if we had a fight, I forced it to be over and we moved past it. When she got here, she immediately started doing things. The first month, she cooked, she did laundry, she picked up Mason, she got out of the house (even though I told her not to). All of a sudden that changed...

I made sure that every holiday that she had was perfect. If she wanted a stuffed peacock for Thanksgiving, I was going to make it happen (Turduchen was it). I bought her Christmas presents to put under the tree just like she was my little girl. I fought with the idea that she was looking ill and not seeming to get any better. I think everyone was. 

In January, I lost my job and she felt horrible. I told her over and over that it wasn't her fault, because it wasn't. It was nobodies fault (but that's an entirely different post). I was going to take care of her no matter what, I would find another job at some point. Secretly, she really loved having me home though and to be honest, so did I. 

Then the day came when her cancer returned AGAIN.  That night I heard her crying in hysterics from downstairs, so I ran upstairs thinking that she had a fight with one of my siblings. I flung open the door ready to scream and it was just her and the dog sitting on the bed, I looked at her and just immediately grabbed her and held her rubbing her little head like she was my child...all I could hear her say was "I'm not ready to go Heather, I'm scared." She knew... 

NO! I was not going there, I was being strong positive Heather and that was that. We went to see the specialist the following week and I sat there listening to my mother beg the doctor to fix it. Something in the doctors eye told me this was bad, but he said he had some trials.. Looking back, I wish I had paid attention to that look. 

Mom started a new trial on February 26th..February 27th, she fell....

One little step and down she went, I see it happening over and over in my head. I know it was NOT my fault, but damn it hurts that that is what put her in the hospital and ultimately took her away from us. Just like that, she wasn't hear anymore.She spent her time in the hospital and it is all a blur for me.  All I knew was she wasn't texting me from upstairs to say"goodnight my Gnocchi" or "I can't get this friggin TV to work". My life that I had know for the past year had changed so quickly, I didn't even notice what was happening. 

I just about MADE her come here to be safe, so I could take care of her and ultimately the same thing that could have happened when she was alone, happened with me standing right in front of her..

What if she didn't fall? Would she still be here? Would she be even sicker? Would she be suffering? 

It's not your fault Heather, I know.. Do I? Even if it isn't I can't help but wonder...

Peace n Love...

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