Tomorrow marks 2 months since mommy gained her wings in heaven. I forced myself to go through her things over the past couple of weeks as we had a yard sale scheduled for this weekend. I thought that this would help me move forward. On one hand it did, but on the other hand it put me in reverse. Cleaning out her room just made it more real that she is not coming back.
I held back tears putting her tiny sized clothing in garbage bags to donate. The hardest part for me was donating her hot pink wheelchair and walker. She was so excited that I got that color and she was proud to ride in it because it was pretty and it didn’t look like a gray old wheelchair that you get at the hospital. I originally had a note on it stating “make me an offer”, but when this lady came up and told me what her job was, I felt that donating was the best thing to do and mom would have wanted it that way. This lady works in case management at a local hospital and said that often time’s individuals come in and shouldn't be walking around, so they have them there to donate. Mom also worked in case management at a time in her life and helped people just like this lady did, so paying it forward was how I saw it.
I sit here watching the digital picture frame go through pictures that she chose and I think denial is in full effect right now. I really feel, some days, that she is going to come back. I feel like she is just mad at me or we had a fight and she is going to call me and everything will go back to normal. I felt the same way when daddy died, but this is such a different feeling. Her room is empty but her smell is still there. I loved her smell, and I don’t want to ever forget it, but right now I want it to go away and no matter how many times I clean the room it is always there. I can’t seem to move forward from this spot.
I look at these pictures and see her smiling face surrounded with all her grandchildren, because that is what she loved. I wish I could smile like she is smiling in her pictures and how I like to think she is smiling with daddy by her side, but I can’t. I hear her voice in my head over and over each day looking at the fish in the pond, yelling at Dolly for trying to run off, but the worst is first thing in the morning when we watched the Today show and drank coffee together. That was her favorite time of day and she looked forward to it as did I.
My whole body hurts with pain right now and I am trying so hard to just push forward like she always did over the years, but it is easier said than done.
I go to sleep every night in hopes that she will come to me in my dreams like daddy did to tell me everything is OK, but now my dreams don’t even include her or daddy. They are strange dreams of people that were a part of my life in the past, coming to give me these awkward hugs and tell me they are so sorry for my loss and all I can do is cry, I can’t even get words out to say thank you, the entire dream I am just crying an inconsolable hyperventilating cry. Then I wake up and the world is still there minus her.
I pick up the phone to call her and remember that I can’t. At this point, I can’t call anyone. I feel like everything has fallen to shit since March 23rd. I have always tried to keep everyone together because that was what mom always wanted. There were people I never wanted to forgive and I did because it made sense and it made my mother happy in the end. Is it wrong that I’m tired of doing that? Is it wrong that I want someone else to do it for once? I need her to tell me it’s ok.
I thank god daily that I have my husband and still have my phone calls with Mimi, or I don’t think I would have been able to push forward these past few weeks. I can honestly say that mother’s day weekend was my breaking point; I was ready to give up…. As a mother, that’s not an option and I know that, but it doesn't make the feelings any less painful.
I don’t know where this was going, but I hope and feel someone is listening.. END RANT
Peace n Love