I used to think that my family was like the Brady Bunch, oh so perfect nothing ever went wrong. I remember the exact day my "Marsha Brady fantasy" had come crashing down. My parents first real big fight. Then from there on out, things just got more and more like Roseanne. There was no slow after school special background music when mom and dad made up or when one of us got into trouble. There were days that were perfect and there were days that were far from it. Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful life and am in no way complaining, but recent events have changed my whole outlook on things. This week, I have realized that we were NEVER like the Brady Bunch..
There is a lot going on in my head right now. It has (for once) become very hard to find the words to describe what I am feeling, because there is just so much to feel. My whole life has been a puzzle with a million pieces. Each time I pass a milestone I place a piece and there before me becomes my story. Then something or someone shakes the table and all the pieces come crashing down. I have always been able to pick them up and place them back where they belong, but every time I have noticed a missing piece. There has always been a missing piece, a very important piece that could have played a big role in my story.
I feel betrayed and angry. I feel like I was never given a choice to make any kinds of decisions. I am questioning a lot of my memories and trying to dig deep inside them to see if there may have been clues back then. My head hurts so badly because I just can’t stop looking back. I thought I knew everything about my family. I thought I had everything under control. I feel like I was kept in the dark, perhaps for protection at the time, from what? From possible happiness or love?
Young people do dumb things, I know this! MOST of these dumb things are selfish acts that others pay for in the long run. I have learned, as a parent, that selfish is not a word anymore. There is no selfish in being a parent. You can’t be about yourself anymore, it is about your children. There are no excuses or good reasons why!
I have always been very strong and I feel like for the first time, I have no answers for anything. Honestly, I don’t even know what questions to ask. It is hard when the person who has the answers is gone. I am trying to live in the moment, and not play the “what if” game, but that is easier said than done.
I have a big brother! I have known for years, but was never told the truth. I always just assumed he didn’t want anything to do with us (for good reason). I have searched obsessively! But this final search, I was not giving up and I found him. I feel as if I am a child now and need my big brother to beat up the boys that picked on me in school or the guys that hurt me. There are so many memories that he should have been a part of in my life. I blame myself for not looking harder; I blame myself for not asking more questions and making my parents tell me about him.
Just like a sister, I can feel his pain just in his words. I want to reach out and hug him and tell him everything will be ok, just like I have done with my two sisters, but he is a grown man, I think those times are lost. It makes my heart ache, knowing that the man that raised me and taught me the ways of the world, could cause such pain to someone else and for that I am lost and angry.
I may not know everything about him, but I will learn. It is never too late! Slowly I think the pain that we all have will dissipate and we will all rebuild. That does not change the fact, that he is my brother regardless of what I know or don’t know. I love him just the same like he has always been there...
Peace love & tears….
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