Let Go

I guess we all learn lessons, no matter how old or experienced you are or think you are. I feel like I am always learning the lessons that just hurt me both mentally, emotionally and on the rare occasion physically (i.e. dog bite). I am not sure if recent events are that of a lesson or just that of experience. As usual, I am confused.

I put my every emotion and feeling into things that I know I am good at. When I write, I sometimes catch myself crying or even laughing depending on the topic. The same goes for my family and friends. I want to fix everything for everyone but then I am left with a mess at my feet. I can’t help it, I just do. I have always been that way. I am a compassionate person for the most part and when I feel it in my heart that is all I need to move forward. At first I feel I am doing the right thing, until it blows up in my face and then BAM, I am the one in pieces. I put my heart out there for people to step on it and at this point I am beginning to think it is best left under lock and key.

When I worked as a counselor, I used to teach my clients about boundaries and walls that they had put up and needed to work on breaking down. Is it possible that I need to work on building my walls and boundaries? I am not sure I have ever had either at this point. If you are a regular reader, you know that I have been struggling with reading the book “Co-Dependant No more”. Don’t get me wrong, it is not taking me a long time because it is a hard book to read, I just can’t seem to sit down and finish it. Recently I made it through Chapter 7 which is; Set yourself Free; Let go and Let god. That chapter was the first chapter I actually did the activities for. I will not put you to sleep with the answers to the questions, but I came to a realization that I am 100% Co-Dependant. I always knew I was, but that chapter described every bit of me. Co-dependants aren’t the people who make things happen, we are the people who try to FORCE things to happen. Those words, describe me! Sadly, I do that.

If you read my previous post, you may understand what I am getting at. I put a lot of stock in that. I think I may have put too much stock in it. It makes me sad that I know now, and I have spoken now and discussed things and then SILENCE. That is it, nothing else. My husband (who normally just lets me realize things on my own) made me feel better last night when I said “Well, honey once again I put my heart into something and it got smashed. What a waste of energy and emotion”. He said “No, it was not a waste. You know now, and you had no contact for 30 years so what is waiting a little longer?” While I agree with him, it still hurts my heart that there is so much I want to know and learn, but this is something I cannot control and that sucks! I will work on letting go, and being patient. I will try and breathe a bit more and be patient. I will….

The next chapter is “Remove the Victim”; needless to say I have not even begun reading that one. Thanks for reading…

Peace Love and patience