Let us pray

Here is comes people!
Religion is not my favorite topic of discussion to bring up. I have always kept it behind closed doors, because in actuality my religious beliefs are none of your business and honestly, you don’t even HAVE to read this. I was raised in a Catholic household all my life. We went to church EVERY Sunday and my sisters and I did CCD twice a week (for those of you who do not know what CCD is: The Confraternity of Christian Doctrine was an association established in 1562 in Rome for the purpose of providing religious education. In its more modern usage, CCD is the religious teaching program of the Catholic Church. These classes are taught to school age children to learn the basic doctrines of their faith). I never considered myself “Religious”, but I knew that I loved God and I wanted to do right by him. I made my Holy Communion and followed up with my Confirmation at age 15. For some reason at that point life became busy and I never could find the time for church except for holidays.

I finally decided, once I was old enough to make my own decisions, that I did not want to be that person who JUST went to church on major holidays (Ash Wednesday, Easter Sunday, Christmas etc), if I wasn’t going to be devoted weekly then I should just not go and there you have it I made my decision and I began going instead, to light a candle once a week before school once I began college and if I could not do that I would pray at night before I went to sleep because I did not think that I had to go to a building to pray. I felt that I could have a more personal relationship with God if I prayed to him at home, and well, that is what I did.

Then my relationship with “the big man upstairs” went sour, so to speak. Both my parents got sick with Cancer. My dad died and at that time, I didn’t think my mom was that far behind him. I was angry and I could not understand how this Supreme Being that everyone prays to could allow things like this to happen. Why not give molesters and murderers cancer and let them die? Why not hurt bad people? Why my family? So from then on out I attempted to go to church, but found myself in tears every time I went. I felt like an idiot so, I decided I would only go light a candle for my dad on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death. Are you seeing a pattern here? I have always easily given up. I thought I was trying so hard to get the relationship back, but I have not been trying hard enough. I think a lot of my problem was I never could understand it and since I couldn’t understand it, I didn’t want to try anymore.

You know in movies, where there is an old decrepit woman who can hardly walk that give the young child this big speech that makes him/her have a huge revelation? Well, I don’t have an old decrepit woman, I have my grandma Mimi. Mimi has a prayer for everything and she is the best Catholic I know! We have had many religious talks on the phone and she has listened to me cry like a child about how I am angry with God and I don’t understand. She never got mad at me for saying such things, she just explained things to me and I would then feel better about it. Then she got Cancer and my whole perspective got blown out of the water. Mimi? The most holy woman I know? Ok, so maybe this is not a God thing? Maybe God didn’t give it to her. I am having new thoughts on my life long perspective of anger with God. Maybe the phrase “What does not kill us, only makes us stronger” is true. I firmly believe that Mimi’s love for God helped her through this trying time in her life and is what has kept her so calm through all of this. I admire her for that. I want to be that way.

My husband is not Catholic so it is hard for us to go to church and feel right about it because it is hard for a newcomer to deal with Catholic Mass with all the memorizing (because let’s face it, its repetitive) I would feel out of place too. But I AM Catholic and I am proud of that. So, from here on out I am going to try my best to be better at it. I will find the time to get to church. I need something in my life to make me feel whole. Maybe it’s the religion and prayer that is missing in it.

I am now 30 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with myself. I do know that yesterday was Ash Wednesday and for once in my life I am going to follow Lent the way I learned it. For Lent I am giving up my evening TV time for my Rosaries. I think it is high time, that my son had some religion in his life that is part of his routine, instead of just when he goes to visit his grandparents. Going to church doesn’t change you on the outside. It heals you spiritually and that is all I can hope for.
I am sticking with this! For once in my life I am going to be devoted to something more than just my boys. I can do it!

Peace love and well sprituality!