It's Mourning all day long

A couple days into my 35^th year of life and my head has been going double time… It seems like this year FLEW by. I suppose time flies when you are crazy busy and/or when you’re having fun? This day last year I was thanking my mother for making my Luau themed surprise birthday a complete success, and filled her in on the shenanigans that ensued after she went to sleep. I came home from work that day already privy to the “surprise” plan that I could not say no to, knowing my mom had put so much effort into it. When her and my husband joined forces, anything happened from parties to magnetic chalk walls (it fills my heart knowing they got along so well). She had a grass skirt and a coconut bra ready for me when I got there, did I want to wear this? HELL NO, but it meant the world to her so, on it went. I sit here thinking back to the evening of fun, complete with vodka filled tropical punch that she made and a bunch of my friends gathered to celebrate. Having my mommy here, throwing me a party made for a lasting memory that I will always hold dear. In hindsight, I feel that she knew she might not be here for my 35^th and that made this birthday a painful one.

Last week marked the 3^rd month since I was able to hug her. It has felt like the longest 3 months of my life.  I have done nothing but keep myself busy doing crafty things and painting anything that will stand still long enough for me to transform it. I’m not sure if I am grieving or even how to grieve for that matter. I feel like everything that could go wrong after a death, HAS gone wrong. I have been verbally smacked down numerous times and continued to get back up because I know I am doing right by my mother.

On occasion, I feel as if I am a stronger person, but more often than not, I feel terribly weak and broken. Every morning is a struggle to even get out of bed, not that I have always been a bright shiny morning person or anything, but now more than ever, it is close to impossible to get myself up. I could turn off my phone and go back to sleep every morning and stay in bed the entire day if I had no responsibilities.

That age old saying “everything happens for a reason” has always been something I have lived by in the past and continue to live by presently. The hardest thing for me to accept is that everything over the past year HAS happened for a reason, mind you, it has not been any reasoning that I have enjoyed, but either way, a reason. If my job had not fell apart, I would not have been home to take care of mom the day she fell, which then led to spending days at Hospice with my sister, which led to saying goodbye, which led to going to Florida for her memorial, moving right into summer vacation with Mason, which saved us a ton of money and ultimately a trip with Mason back to Florida for what I am hoping will be a more upbeat visit with my family. While not all of what I just blurted out is negative, it is just what I think about daily to keep moving forward.

The time that I have been able to spend with my mother, my son, my family is irreplaceable!  My family has always been and will always be my world, regardless of any money that I have or need or stuff, I can thank my parents for that lesson.

If I have learned anything this past year, it is this:

Tomorrow is not promised…If you are lucky enough to have the time to spend with your family and loved ones, you spend that time with them! Don’t be stupid! Jobs will be there, bills will always be there, but your loved one may not be.

Find another job, if they don’t care enough to support you! I learned that the hard way too many times. Hug them, kiss them, cuddle with them if they ask you to, drop what you are doing and spend the time or you will regret it. . .

Peace n Love

BEGIN RANT

Tomorrow marks 2 months since mommy gained her wings in heaven. I forced myself to go through her things over the past couple of weeks as we had a yard sale scheduled for this weekend. I thought that this would help me move forward. On one hand it did, but on the other hand it put me in reverse. Cleaning out her room just made it more real that she is not coming back.

I held back tears putting her tiny sized clothing in garbage bags to donate. The hardest part for me was donating her hot pink wheelchair and walker. She was so excited that I got that color and she was proud to ride in it because it was pretty and it didn’t look like a gray old wheelchair that you get at the hospital.  I originally had a note on it stating “make me an offer”, but when this lady came up and told me what her job was, I felt that donating was the best thing to do and mom would have wanted it that way. This lady works in case management at a local hospital and said that often time’s individuals come in and shouldn't be walking around, so they have them there to donate.  Mom also worked in case management at a time in her life and helped people just like this lady did, so paying it forward was how I saw it. 

I sit here watching the digital picture frame go through pictures that she chose and I think denial is in full effect right now. I really feel, some days, that she is going to come back. I feel like she is just mad at me or we had a fight and she is going to call me and everything will go back to normal. I felt the same way when daddy died, but this is such a different feeling.  Her room is empty but her smell is still there.  I loved her smell, and I don’t want to ever forget it, but right now I want it to go away and no matter how many times I clean the room it is always there. I can’t seem to move forward from this spot.

I look at these pictures and see her smiling face surrounded with all her grandchildren, because that is what she loved. I wish I could smile like she is smiling in her pictures and how I like to think she is smiling with daddy by her side, but I can’t. I hear her voice in my head over and over each day looking at the fish in the pond, yelling at Dolly for trying to run off, but the worst is first thing in the morning when we watched the Today show and drank coffee together. That was her favorite time of day and she looked forward to it as did I. 

My whole body hurts with pain right now and I am trying so hard to just push forward like she always did over the years, but it is easier said than done.

I go to sleep every night in hopes that she will come to me in my dreams like daddy did to tell me everything is OK, but now my dreams don’t even include her or daddy. They are strange dreams of people that were a part of my life in the past, coming to give me these awkward hugs and tell me they are so sorry for my loss and all I can do is cry, I can’t even get words out to say thank you, the entire dream I am just crying an inconsolable hyperventilating cry. Then I wake up and the world is still there minus her.

I pick up the phone to call her and remember that I can’t. At this point, I can’t call anyone. I feel like everything has fallen to shit since March 23^rd. I have always tried to keep everyone together because that was what mom always wanted. There were people I never wanted to forgive and I did because it made sense and it made my mother happy in the end. Is it wrong that I’m tired of doing that? Is it wrong that I want someone else to do it for once? I need her to tell me it’s ok.

I thank god daily that I have my husband and still have my phone calls with Mimi, or I don’t think I would have been able to push forward these past few weeks. I can honestly say that mother’s day weekend was my breaking point; I was ready to give up…. As a mother, that’s not an option and I know that, but it doesn't make the feelings any less painful.

I don’t know where this was going, but I hope and feel someone is listening.. END RANT

Peace n Love

It's not.. I know

Disclaimer: Tissues may be necessary

This has got to happen. I have to let some of this out. 

It has been 17 days since my mother passed away, but over a month since she was here with me in my house and we actually spoke real words that made sense. 

When mom came to Tennessee, it took me months to convince her that it was for the best and she could NOT live alone. I was fully prepared to take care of her no matter how long it took. I spent every minute I could with her even if we had a fight, I forced it to be over and we moved past it. When she got here, she immediately started doing things. The first month, she cooked, she did laundry, she picked up Mason, she got out of the house (even though I told her not to). All of a sudden that changed...

I made sure that every holiday that she had was perfect. If she wanted a stuffed peacock for Thanksgiving, I was going to make it happen (Turduchen was it). I bought her Christmas presents to put under the tree just like she was my little girl. I fought with the idea that she was looking ill and not seeming to get any better. I think everyone was. 

In January, I lost my job and she felt horrible. I told her over and over that it wasn't her fault, because it wasn't. It was nobodies fault (but that's an entirely different post). I was going to take care of her no matter what, I would find another job at some point. Secretly, she really loved having me home though and to be honest, so did I. 

Then the day came when her cancer returned AGAIN.  That night I heard her crying in hysterics from downstairs, so I ran upstairs thinking that she had a fight with one of my siblings. I flung open the door ready to scream and it was just her and the dog sitting on the bed, I looked at her and just immediately grabbed her and held her rubbing her little head like she was my child...all I could hear her say was "I'm not ready to go Heather, I'm scared." She knew... 

NO! I was not going there, I was being strong positive Heather and that was that. We went to see the specialist the following week and I sat there listening to my mother beg the doctor to fix it. Something in the doctors eye told me this was bad, but he said he had some trials.. Looking back, I wish I had paid attention to that look. 

Mom started a new trial on February 26th..February 27th, she fell....

One little step and down she went, I see it happening over and over in my head. I know it was NOT my fault, but damn it hurts that that is what put her in the hospital and ultimately took her away from us. Just like that, she wasn't hear anymore.She spent her time in the hospital and it is all a blur for me.  All I knew was she wasn't texting me from upstairs to say"goodnight my Gnocchi" or "I can't get this friggin TV to work". My life that I had know for the past year had changed so quickly, I didn't even notice what was happening. 

I just about MADE her come here to be safe, so I could take care of her and ultimately the same thing that could have happened when she was alone, happened with me standing right in front of her..

What if she didn't fall? Would she still be here? Would she be even sicker? Would she be suffering? 

It's not your fault Heather, I know.. Do I? Even if it isn't I can't help but wonder...

Peace n Love...

"Seize the day. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."

Depression is a serious medical illness; it is not something that you have made up in your head. (National Institute for Mental Health)

Suicide is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which is frequently attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, alcoholism or drug abuse.  

 

 

I am not going to talk about judgment because then I sound all judgey myself and that is just not me. In light of the recent death of the greatest funny man every, there have been quite a few blog posts both negative and positive, so I figured I would follow suit since I finally felt creative and compelled. Mental health has always been something I have been concerned with, so much so that Psychology was my major in college and I have worked in the field off and on since graduating. With that being said, I am by no means an expert on the topic, this blog is merely my opinion as someone who has both watched others suffer and has suffered from depression, and well, I quote facts from experts. 

Let’s just agree on a few things first ; death of anyone, no matter what the cause, no matter what your belief, is horrifying and heartbreaking. The problem with the death of a famous person is that it gets blown by the media, so that their cover can be the first one read or their site can be the most clicked. No matter how they died, media has no respect or heart, no matter who you are.  

I have gotten sad before when other “stars” have passed, but I actually cried when I found out about Robin Williams. He has made us all laugh with every voice he spoke, every character he played and every animated joke he told on stage. He was on the top of my comedy idol list, for when I got the gall up to get on stage and “be like” someone. He did not judge, he did not call names, he wholeheartedly loved each and everyone and everything in this world. Did I know him personally? Of course not, but I didn’t need to, it showed in everything he did. He was not in the tabloids for being a wife-beater, or getting arrested and honestly, not many of us even knew he had three beautiful kids. He kept his personal life, just that, personal…. And THAT is how I know he was a good person. 

This man loved so much that he hid his pain so that we could smile for a moment. He hid his demons so that we could laugh our cares away even for just two hours of a movie. This man tried for years to fight his darkness until he just couldn’t anymore and it took him away. Yes suicide is an act of killing oneself, but if you know anything about mental health, there are days when you just can’t get yourself out of bed, there are days where you say things that hurt others feelings and you don’t even realize it. You spend a lot of your life apologizing for something that a lot of time you have no control over. The darkness gets so deep that it clouds your happy and brings out your sad. When alcohol and drugs no longer numb the pain, some people end up going to extreme, some people are not in their right minds and for this reason, our society needs to be more serious about mental illness. No matter what your belief is, there is someone close to you that is probably suffering from within and you’re sitting across from them laughing about it. We have ALL been made the comment “I just wanna die” or “im gonna kill myself”, do we mean it? 99% of us don’t but there is someone that hears that and deep down inside, really wants to end it all. 

Robin Williams held his pain deep inside for us, his fan family, his world. He wanted to see us smile, he wanted sick children to not worry about their illness just for a moment. He held it in for so long that it built up and he just couldn’t fight it back anymore.  

Sadly, depression IS a disease and it takes more people from us then we know. Depression knows no color, religion or financial status it just settles right in your brain.  

Suicide happens all the time and it is not always something that is out in the open, perhaps if we paid more attention to others, we could get a handle on things in this world. Chris Farley, Heath Ledger, overdosed on drugs, their way of numbing the pain went too far and took them away too (taking the life of oneself).  

Pay attention people.. It’s everywhere! Stop judging and start caring and loving!

 

Peace n Love

Missing Person

Once again we have hit yet another year and all I see is everyone talking about their New Year’s resolution. New Year New Me or What are you doing differently with this fresh start? Too much pressure, if you ask me. I have said it before that I usually resolve to not resolve. I am not setting myself up to fail another year. So, I probably won’t tell you if I make a resolution, let alone what it is. However, last week, I read someone’s status on Facebook and thought it didn’t click at the time, I thought it sounded like something a lot of people should do, most importantly myself. Don’t get me wrong people, I know I’m overweight and not the healthiest person around, but for me, my happiness is my family, not by any means the way I physically look. Not that I think it is wrong, to each his own, it has just never been for me. With that, this year I am going on a quest (yes like Zelda) but more of a mental quest to find myself. I don’t mean my sexual or spiritual orientation, or my once thinner self (yea right), but me. The Heather that I used to love for the most part. The Heather that set out to make the world smile. The peace, love and happiness Heather. The brave Heather that doesn’t take crap from anyone, especially herself. The Heather that enjoyed writing almost on a daily basis, maybe even the Heather that wants to be a stand-up comedian, who knows. My point is, that it has been apparent to me over the past few months that she went missing. I thought I could just move forward and not look back, but it has not felt right. I don’t know when it happened or how, I just know I would like her back now. She was never afraid to cry when she got sad, or scream when she saw red, and above all, she never took anything too seriously. I just know it is terribly hard to put make-up on in the morning, when I just don’t like who I see looking back at me. So, with that, 2014 is going to be the year I find myself and never let her go again. I never thought it would be possible that I would lose myself, but sadly it did happen. I will spend the next year picking up my broken pieces and fixing things back to the way they should be, not the way that is comfortable or easy. PEACE N LOVE! Thanks for reading.

He is all mine...

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD.” I am not about to start quoting the bible tonight, but a friend of mine said that quote to me today when we were talking about it being my anniversary today. I thought it was perfect for what we have. My husband and I have known each other for way longer than 10 years. We dated back when I was 17 and he was 21 (convenient right?) I was just entering into my party-animal stage and he was just starting a new job (that would end up being his career) which made him travel a lot. I was so immature and I did not understand yet that men were supposed to be nice and respect women; I was still in the “bad boy” stage of relationships. So, like most girls did when they were in those types of stages in life, I dumped him and moved on without a care. We stayed friends or well acquaintances for the next 4 or so years and that was that. Then one day I got a call from him asking me out to dinner and well, 10 years later here we are, married! I have been married to this man for 9 years today and I can honestly say that I don’t wish anything different. I may joke here and there, but I love him more and more each day. He has seen me at my worst and my best. He has seen me through countless surgeries, depression, sadness, grief, hatred, pregnancy, birth, more depression, unemployment and well I could sit here all night. He has never once even tried to disrespect me. He has never called me a bitch, even though he probably should have. He has never laid a hand on me, besides the usual smack on the butt every morning. He loves and respects me even when I know I am being hard to handle or put up with. I will be the first to admit that I am not the easiest person to handle or deal with sometimes and even after I broke his heart, he came back and tried one more time. He who doesn’t run for the hills when things get rough is a keeper. He, who takes every punch you throw out of grief and heartbreak without a second thought, is a treasure. He, who works his ass off day in and day out to make sure you and your son have everything that you need plus some, is a blessing. He who cares for your siblings like they are his own, even when he sees your heart broken from it, is amazingly good man. Yes I am being cheesy as hell right now (and some of you might just puke.), but I honestly suck at saying things like this to his face and that is how I know my love is real, because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I want to make sure he knows. He is awesome and well, He is mine! Happy Anniversary to the greatest gift I could have, the love of another for a lifetime. Peace and Love…

New Dawn New Day..

It has come to my attention that I have just not written in such a long time. I would say that I have been super busy, but that's a big fat lie. I have had a lot going on in my head and I think I have started about five blogs since the last one was published, but they just sit there in my folder labeled "blah" on my desktop. I am thinking about putting them all together and naming them "cluster.." uh yea big cluster of blogs. Then again, they usually never come out smoothly, I usually jump around anyway. So as I sit here waiting on my son and my little friend to wake up from nap time, I am thinking clearly. Perhaps it is time for me to start over? Start a new blog genre or mood if you will. After all it has been a year since my life has gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, so why not bring my blog to that spectrum. Here it goes... This week is a big week, in my mind. A lot is going on in our house. The biggest thing is that my little boy who is no longer little, starts 2nd grade TOMORROW! While I am admittedly happy that summer is over and we will go back to our separation of time during the day, I will miss the little guy. He has been very helpful to me with the babies that I watch and it showed me just how good of a little man he is growing up to be, which makes me so proud. This summer, I literally watched him grow up before my very eyes and while I am STILL home and income is tiny to say the least, that is the main reason I made that stupid decision to quit my job and be home. Yes I say stupid, because on the bill side MAN WHAT A DUMMY! But on the mommy side, I will never get back the time I missed while my little guy was in aftercare and learning bad habits from older kids. This summer is one I will not soon forget. He has grown at least a foot, got a new big man haircut, and just talks differently (and believe me I know, it starts when he wakes up and doesn't end until he goes to sleep!). He has matured and it shows just by the way he says things, for example "I wish I could have first grade back mommy, so I wouldn't have gotten so many reds (for those of you who do not know, red is a bad behavior comment)but at least I can start fresh in 2nd grade". I did not put those words in his mouth, he came up with that on his very own, which made me so happy. So far so good mom, you haven't screwed him up thus far! This week is also one whole year in our new home! Which I still cannot fathom. A year has passed and things seem to be going very smooth. I have made pretty good friends with a few neighbors and I actually started a community page on Facebook at a friends recommendation so that perhaps we could get to know some more neighbors and feel less awkward. Sadly, my son knows more neighbors then we do, but that was the point of moving to this subdivision in the first place. My husband, I HOPE, has finally finished scavenging for rocks to cover every inch of our yard with and hopefully is done digging random areas up in the backyard. He said last weekend that he thinks he is done, that remains to be seen and I will definitely let you know in a rant or two. So with that, I am happy that my fingers hit the keys this morning on a whim and I feel accomplished that I finally got some things out of my head to make room for more. I am hoping that this year will bring a different side of Heather. I have learned a lot in the last year, about myself and what I am capable of. Remember Money buys NOTHING! Except most things! (a little quote from a favorite movie) Peace and Love SHE'S BAAACKKKK!!