Let me begin by saying, there are many topics in my life that I feel strongly about. If I offend, I apologize, but "freedom of speech is a bitch sometimes and so am I for that matter".
How is it that people can wake up in the morning and just go about their day without have a single moment of depression? How do they do that? Is their mind totally empty? Is there nothing bothering them? How do you stay positive when there are so many things weighing on your mind that seem so negative?
It makes perfect sense why I am not fully understood, because I don't understand you either. Walking around with a happy smile on your face all the time. It has to be fake! No one is that happy all the time. Or are they? Is it just me? Do I really just find things to worry about?
I have been told that having god in your life helps. Yea, I said it.. I said God!
What if you are angry with God? What if you and God are having an argument right now and simply cannot come to an agreement? Who settles that one? I try to be spiritual believe me, and I believe that there is a god, so don't worry, but in my experience alot of what he has done in my life and the lives of my loved ones is nothing less than evil and negative to me. I have this child-like hatred sometimes that makes me so angry it is unhealthy. Maybe one day something will happen that will make me feel like we are not being punished all the time. Some big act of, well yea God!.
I grew up going through the Catholic motions, Saturday: CCD, Sunday: Mass. Every week.. I felt like I was pretty "religious" and devoted to my god. Then all hell broke loose! (no pun intended there).
So for those of you who don't know.. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer in December of 2002 and died very shortly after in October of 2003. However, about 6 months or so after he was diagnosed, so was my mom!. Yea! I know crazy right?
Mom has been fighting her demon inside for going on 6 years now and just about every year there is a big scare in her health status. UP and DOWN is all i can say. There is this great ride that everyone talks about called "the emotional roller coaster". Yea Been on it for a while now.. Sometimes I just wish it would stop upside down and let me breath for a moment!
I guess some would argue that it is god that is keeping her alive. Okay I will take that. But why would he do it in the first place? Why did she get it? Why did dad get it? Why are murderers, rapists and pedophiles living healthy lives? Don't they deserve this more? I mean don't get me wrong, I would never wish this disease on anyone, but that doesn't mean that some people don't deserve to be punished.
That is how I feel today..
Thanks for reading.!
I totally agree with you...about the nobody can be that happy all the time so it must be fake! For the longest after I got on meds about a year ago anytime I would be in a bad mood or worry about anything Brian would automatically say "call the doc...you must need more meds". It pissed me off so bad. Finally one day I told him that there was no amount of medicine in the world that would make someone never in a bad mood or never upset about anything. And if there was it wouldn't be healthy so if that is what he was looking for then he was with the wrong person! He hasn't said that since lol.
ReplyDeleteDearest H, There is something that I have come to assess from my own experiences when dealing with situations I can neither explain nor understand. It can be excruciatingly terrifying to the unique people who have an unbreakable will/spirit & the strength to not only accept but to adapt, learn, and overcome any of life's obstacles. There's a vulnerability in feeling as if there's nothing we can do to help someone & it's the worst feeling in the world. We're disappointed in ourselves, our faith wanes and we become the opposite of who we are which sends us spiraling into a bottomless abyss of bitterness.
ReplyDeleteWhat im taking so long to say is that no matter what ever happens to those around me I feel as tho GOD is there for everyone individually as well as a whole. In holding to that belief and having no mutually understandable evidence to justify it to anyone I feel that "The Will of GOD shall NEVER lead you, where the Grace of GOD cannot protect you!"
It's hard but its important to remember who u are and what u believe in.
Good luck chica. Ur not alone!
I just tell myself over and over... Everything happens for a reason. Its not a great explanation, but it helps me let go of a lot of anger thinking things happen and fall apart and go to shit for the greater good. Otherwise, giving up seems the easier decision.
ReplyDeleteI love you.