Pre-New Year's Rant

So every year comes to an end and everyone is talking about what their New Year’s Resolution is going to be. Some will start diets that will ultimately fail, attempt to quit smoking, drinking, be a better person, stop cursing so much etc. I used to make a New Years resolution myself every year; normally it was to stop saying the F-word so much (if you know me, you know that didn’t stick). I remember one year it was to quit smoking, which I ended up doing, just not that year. I resolved to try and take better care of myself, be nicer to everyone etc. I think I just about hit them all. Over the past few years, I have resolved to not make a resolution and that always worked out pretty well for me. Being in a family that is full of the addictive personality gene, giving up something only makes me want it more anyway. I won’t give up anything, I will not say goodbye to any bad habits that I may have. To me my habits (good or bad) make me the person I am, and if you don’t take the good with the bad, then what else do you have? All good is boring and all bad is just stressful. Ok, enough of my pre-rant.

This year has not been all bad, but it also hasn’t been all good either. I have definitely had worse, that is for sure. This year another person I love got smacked with the Big C, which really brought a lot of stress and anxiety to the whole family. Anytime I hear anyone talk about Cancer, all I can think of it my family and how we have all had to endure the pain of losing daddy and watching mommy suffer. Then Mimi got smacked with it too which just puts the icing on the cake. I feel like I was very lucky to have been able to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Florida, which rarely happens. I wish we could all have one of those HUGE both sides of the family Christmas dinners, that way you could be with everyone you love all at the same time, but living 12 hours away makes that pretty difficult. Either way, I got to spend equal amounts of time with everyone in my family this year.

Christmas was a great time for Mason and that is all that matters to me at this point in my life. I just want my boy to be happy, I don’t want him to see anyone cry or be hurt or see pain. Yes, I guess you could say that I do want him to be sheltered a bit. I think I did pretty good though, I only halfway lost it on Christmas day and I believe I have held it together for the most part since then. I have had a few tears to myself here and there, but nothing like it could be. I honestly have no idea where I am going with this blog. I had a few ideas swimming around when I started typing it up yesterday, and then a few others today so I guess right now, I am just going to throw them in the same blog and be happy with it. Ok, back on track.

So this year, I think I will make a New Years resolution for once. Nothing too deep, that will make we want to screw it up on January 2nd, just something that is broad that I can do myself and not have to involve anyone else to bring me down or make it sound good or bad. 2012 is going to be my year of fixing. Yup MYSELF, I have to fix me. Are you broken? You ask. Yes, yes I am broken in many places and ways. Before I can help or “fix” anyone else. The bottom line is I am unhappy inside and with a lot of aspects of my life. If there was a possibility that I could get up one morning and just say screw it, lock myself and my family in and never go back out, I totally would and I could be happy for the rest of my life. I have to stop finding excuses for things and just live. All the sadness in my life should be boosting me up to see clearly that my little family and I are all healthy and we need to stay that way. Who knows when our last day will be.

My goal for 2012 is to start loving myself for once. I want to look in the mirror and not cringe or get up in the morning and be happy to be there. I need newness, I need a clean slate to begin again and I really believe that if I can stick with it, 2012 will be a good year for me. I will be healthy and happy no matter what goes on around me. If things get hard, I will find other ways to deal, maybe I will buy a punching bag, or some boxing gloves. I will deal with life in the manner in which I know how, yet rarely use. I don’t want to wake up one morning and be forced to change. The way I see it, if I change myself on my own, then there will be no forcing. I will be on the road to happy again, because I lost happy a long time ago and I really need it back.

That’s all for now, sorry I jumped around so much, there will be more to come of this…

Peace, Love and resolve….

God Grant me the serenity

The further I get through this book (if you follow my blog you KNOW the book), no matter how long it takes, I begin to understand myself more. It may take me a week to get through one chapter (not much free time), but it could take me a few weeks to absorb that chapter. I have finally come to the chapter that explains the most about me (so far that is). Learning the art of acceptance.

When I was a counselor in a drug rehab, my biggest concern was that individuals that had addictions were going through the grief process the correct way. I had packets and reading material and a number of group meetings that helped them go through the entire process. In the midst of all that, I had just lost my father a year prior so it was not only a teaching experience, but a helpful learning experience for me as well. I taught everyone about the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and ACCEPTANCE). Nobody goes through these stages at the same pace. Depending on what you are grieving, it could take from days to years to fully accept the fact that this has happened. Just a side note, you can grieve anything, it does NOT have to be a death, it can be divorce, loss of job, home, anything. Everyone deals with loss in different ways, which makes it very hard for our loved ones to understand or even know what to do when we go through our stages.

The crazy thing that I thought about during my reading this chapter is, not that I lost my father or grandma or dog or any other family member, but to be honest I think my biggest problem is the loss of my girly parts from my hysterectomy in 2008 (go ahead male readers, click off the blog if you must). Even though this is my loss, I still grieve it the same way that I have anything else. I remember the way things went when my dad died and that was the first time I had ever really knew what loss was. I went through all the stages and I finally arrived at acceptance about a year or two ago (that is also in a past blog).

I frequently tell people that when I had my hysterectomy, I went into the OR one person and came out quite another. I lost Heather in there. She went in and some crazy psycho woman missing organs came into the recovery room. It sounds funny and I often laugh about it (on a good day) but it was a very sad experience for me and I am still suffering from it. Don’t get me wrong, it was MY decision to do, knowing good and well it was permanent. I was tired of living with pain and I just wanted to live a normal life. My doctor and I had spoken about it for quite a few years and I finally came to the decision to just do it and move on. NOT THAT EASY!

DENIAL:
This took me quite some time to get through. Part of me felt great still I didn’t want to lie in bed and recover, I wanted to do things and move around. I thought “this isn’t so bad at all” I can handle a hot flash here and there, I’M GOOD! Until all the menopause crap smacked me right in the face.

ANGER:
Wait a minute. Now, I want another baby. Damn that doctor for not explaining all of this to me. It’s his fault. Why didn’t someone talk me out of this? Why did I do this to myself? Why was I given all these problems in the first place? Part of me still gets pretty angry at least every other month.

DEPRESSION:
I am way too young for this shit. I can’t and really don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to be touched. I keep having these feelings that my husband wants to leave me for someone else. My family is going to end up hating me before it’s over. I flip out at the smallest things. I can’t do this, how the hell am I supposed to take care of everyone if I feel this way. Now I will get some medication. RIGHT? WRONG.

The depression has always been my hardest stage. I am great when it comes to helping others with their problems, but man do I suck at trying to deal with myself. Pass the alcohol please or maybe a nerve pill, anything to make me numb for a little while, so I don’t feel accountable for what I am feeling or what I am about to say when I flip out. With this, I am not sure, but I think I may be stuck in this stage of the grief process. I really don’t want to accept it even though I have no choice. I want to magically wake up one morning feeling awesome and wanting to jump around and get laid and be all crazy happy. It hasn’t happened yet though.

I guess, what I am getting at is this is my grief. I am grieving the loss of the woman I was. Though she was already off kilter, the events that happened October 20, 2008, made her 110 times worse. That girl in a way lost herself to never be found again. Which sucks, but at least I can recognize that this is my biggest problem and it has WAY too much power over me. A little 12 step reference there. I want to change, it is just very hard. Alcohol doesn’t help (especially when you’re a binge drinker); medication doesn’t do anything but give me more side effects. I just want to get to the acceptance part and that is hard to get to when I am always trying to mask how I feel and hide my pain and grief. This is me, broken into pieces all the time, but at 31, I am finally realizing it is time to accept the things I cannot change, pray for the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Pray for me.

Peace n love

Don't judge me

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself"- Wayne Dyer

I have always been a person that gives others the benefit of the doubt. I’m not sure why I have always been that way, but it just comes naturally to me. I have always been a very trusting person, until I am given a reason to not do so. I am a firm believer that everyone deserves chances in life, if and only if they are honest and trust worthy in their trying. My problem is that once I have been done wrong, I have a very hard time getting back on the “trust wagon”. I become very anxious and nervous that I am going to be wronged again and again. Does that make me a judge or a nervous wreck?

Just because someone has done something in life, does not very well mean that they are going to continue to do that. Many people learn their lessons after the first go round. Some, it takes a few go rounds and other just don’t learn, which makes me sad. Who am I to judge or make a decision for someone else? I believe in God, I may not agree with everything that is spoken about God, but I do believe that for the most part he is the decider and the judge at the end. What I do not agree with is those of you that preach and preach and then JUDGE. I don’t think that is what he would have wanted. It’s not your job to judge. It’s not your job to punish someone. It’s your job to care for you and your own.

I am not sure where I am going with this today; I just had the words and felt the need to throw them out there. I have two sisters that I love very dearly (yea I am going there AGAIN). They both may have not always made the best decisions in their lives, but why should they have to pay for the rest of their lives? Why do weak people have to use that against them? Because most people that point the finger at them are actually doing wrong themselves and the feeling of guilt makes it easier on them to point!! There are so many people out there that say “once a cheater, always a cheater” (being a past cheater, I beg to differ) “once a thief, always a thief” etc, etc! Blah blah blah!

I looked through a long list of quotes and the one I put up, is really the one that means the most. It’s true, when you judge another, you are defining yourself not them. Most of the time, you don’t even know the person fully, that you are judging. You just know a choice few things that you have allowed to get into your head and now that has painted YOUR picture of that person. What does that make you look like?

Maybe it’s because I have worked in the jobs areas that I have worked in (jails and rehabs) that has helped me to not judge along the way. Or maybe it is just the nature I was born with, who knows. All I know is people are too quick to judge these days. When you are ready to put a tag on someone, you need to sit back and look at yourself in the mirror and see what kind of tag that puts on you.

I think that is all for today’s rant. I will end with a quote that I totally dig:

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and I don't live to be, but before you start pointing fingers make sure your hands are clean” – Bob Marley

Thanks for reading

Peace n love

Dear Daddy:

If you are not in the mood to cry, you probably shouldn’t read any further. Today marks eight years since my daddy passed away. I have never been strong enough to write my actual feeling on THIS day and let anyone read it. If this was paper, it would be soaked with my tears. Every bit of me goes into anything that I blog about, today is just the hardest one that I have ever put down. It just seems like time for me to let it all out. For me..

It seems like just yesterday that we had a late night “smoke” and a McDonalds Hot fudge sundae at the hospital. I remember the pajamas you had on and every word you said to me, because that was the last time we were alone. I think you knew that it might be, so we said what we had to say. You told me to always take care of myself, not matter what the cost. You told me you wanted me to always be happy and to take care of my sisters, and to be the strong one. All I can do now is hope that I have honored our talk and you can see how hard I am working to do my best.
It seems like just yesterday that I was watching you hold back tears at my graduation video. You were so mad that you weren’t allowed to come, but the hospital was the first place I went afterward. I finally felt like I had done what you wanted. Little did I know, this would be the last time you would be able to hug me back and tell me how much you loved me and how proud you were. You actually knew who I was that day and meant the world to me.

It seems like just yesterday it was “my” night to stay up with you at home and make sure you were comfortable. For some reason, I knew that it would be my night that would be your last and I was so scared. Everyone was there, just as you would have wanted it. I remember the movie I watched (Bend it like Beckham) and that I slept on the couch with the only man you were ever really ok with. I held your warm hand for the last time and cried.

It seems like just yesterday that you fell cold in front of my eyes. The pain was something I had never felt before. Your hand was cold now and you were not there. It had happened. I know I had said goodbye to you, because you really weren’t there, but it was real now, TOO real.

It seems like just yesterday we said goodbye forever. I saw you for the very last time. It didn't look like you, but you were wearing your favorite Tae Kwon Do uniform and looked peaceful. There were so many people there paying their respects. People I didn't even know. People that respected and loved you for who you were and what you stood for. Then you were gone....and we had to go back to our lives like normal.

I'm not sure if I have made it back to normal daddy. Actually, i'm almost positive, I will never get back there. I miss you every single day. There is always something that reminds me of you. I wish I could control it. I feel like I have lost my mind.

Every year on your birthday and during the holidays, I relive my last moments with you mostly happy ones from those days. It is this day October 5th that is most painful.

It seems like just yesterday that I thought about it, because it was. Just like every other day to come...

I love you daddy! I miss you so much! See you in my dreams.
Love, Heather

Thanks for reading.

Peace n love

We can all be a little dark!

You know, I have gone my whole life trying to make sure that I NEVER hurt anyones feelings even if it meant that it would hurt me first. I have never in my life wanted to watch someone else cry in pain. In fact, just the sight of someone else crying kills me, I just cannot handle it. Call me a softy, no backbone, whatever, I am a freaking human being! I love everyone. I love people who DO NOT love me back and it does'nt matter to me. I get my feelings hurt so easily it's not even funny, honestly it's sad. I try to make others love me, or even like me for that matter. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Surprisingly, the people that I think would love me more easily DON'T! So screw'em yea I said that SCREW YOU!! You don't want anything to do with me because of your childhood hang-ups guess what FINE! You are grown, I am grown. I'm tired of trying to force the impossible! For ONCE I am going to say what is on my mind and I am not going to worry about what it does to someone else, because Lord knows you don't give a rats ass what you are saying and if it's going to hurt me. It takes alot to make me mad. I get pissed just like the next person, but I try to make peace first. It takes ALOT to bring me to the point of crazyness. Which brings me to what has happened inside me today.

I thought that it was the greatest thing when I found someone who in my mind was a long lost part of my heart. I had these childish dreams that we would all become close and life would be different because that "hole" in my heart was filled. I was wrong, I honestly believe that I should have left well enough alone. It is not my part to force things in life. We share a dad and I guess, that is all we share.. Or sperm-donor, or dead beat, of piece of shit! Whatever the hell you want to call him. I was not around when your heartbreak happened and if I had been, I would have tried my hardest to help that from happening. So don't punish me because he was my father too. Don't punish be because you want to blame everything that went wrong in your life on him. I am sorry he did what he did, but I have no reason to be punished. He suffered and he died! I bet a part of you is happy that is the way he died. After what you said today, alot of me believes that is your thought.

I was angry with him, when I first spoke with you and I still am, but you have no right to talk about him like you did. NO RIGHT! You will meet your maker one day and regardless of what you do in life, if you don't change your ways you will ALWAYS be asking why! I tried! I tried so damn hard to make you be a part of things. I gave you space. I gave you time. I worried about you. If you had any care, you would not have said the things you said about the only man that I ever trusted before my husband. If you were the person I had hoped to God you were going to be, you would not have disrespected the man that I watched die of cancer. No, if you were you would let him rest in piece and be the grown man I had hoped you were.

He was my father and he took care of me and I will be damned if you will talk about him in the manner that you have! Beat him bloody!? You just walked away for ever! It's too late. Everyone says things that they don't mean, but they fix it themselves. I will not reach out anymore. Things are going to change in my heart! The door has just slammed on your hand! You make your descisions and then ask "WHY"!

Anger and hurt

(Sorry if none of this makes sense to anyone. It's MY therapy afterall, it really doesn't have to!)

Blood or water, it doesn't matter

I honestly have no idea where I am going to go with this blog today. There is a lot on my mind and I really need to get it down and out before it drives me completely insane. It may not make sense to anyone, but me so if you get confused just know you are probably not the only one. I will start with this:

Codependency as defined by the dictionary is a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one's needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.

Now, that being said here is my explanation of why I have chosen to blog about that evil word again.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since my baby sister (I will always refer to her as such) is going to be coming to live with me. A lot of the thinking is like strange childish stuff, like just not having the relationship with my sisters that I should have always had. Growing up we had no choice but to be close because we all lived in the same house, but as we all got older, things just moved around and so did our lives. I feel like I work overtime trying so hard to get the love back that I missed growing up with them. Whether I am a co-dependent person or not it still hurts to not have that. In a way, I feel like taking care of them now, might help me achieve it.

I feel like I am finally figuring things out with my “caregiver” ways. I by no means had a bad childhood either, so don’t get the wrong idea here. However, there was a lot of tension growing up. Whether someone was getting in trouble for doing the wrong things or what, there just felt like there was always tension. My dad was not the easiest man to get along with and he really was not the hugs and kisses type of daddy either. He was only that way the last few years of his life, when he (I think) realized that things just were not perfect with his children and he wanted to make it better. Although he was successful (in my eyes) in showing as much love as he could, I think it was too late. To put it bluntly, we were already screwed up and way beyond fixing. Now that we are grown, I think it has been the realization of all that it may be time to attempt to figure things out and fix ourselves, some more than others.

I have wanted my relationship so badly from my sisters that I feel like I have been interviewing friends all the time. At one point I honestly thought that I was becoming interested in women (not that it is a bad thing, just not my thing), but then I realized that I was just trying to find someone to love, care and worry for me like a sister should. I rarely have a good relationship with a girl because of my crazy obsession with this. I end up trying to take care of them or telling them what to do or something overbearing that I have no place doing, which in the end just embarrasses me. I have never been able to get along with many girls either. I mean, yes I am a girl but most other girls annoy me with their pink and pretty girly ways. Don’t get me wrong, I like girly things too, but I just can’t relate to that kind of stuff. I don’t do my hair, I rarely do my nails, and I prefer long boy shorts and sneakers over skirts and heels.

Now that I am a grown woman, I keep telling myself I need to move on and let things go, but I just can’t. I play the go between with my sisters and somehow that makes me feel good, because I am constantly trying to FIX their relationships while harboring my own. I can’t stand it when they are mad at me, no matter what I say to the contrary. I would never say anything, that would make them sad or hurt their feelings. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells.

Now that I will have my sister living with me, I guess I am just hoping that for once, maybe we can have a relationship that I have wanted for so long. A relationship that we should have always had. We are grown women, why can’t we just be grown women sisters that love each other no matter what stupid mistakes we HAVE made and move on. After all blood, water it really doesn't matter, love is love is love..

Not sure if that was a successful blog or not, but this session has ended. Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and another blog about sisters.

Is worry really a Sin?

So The Scream by Edvard Munch has always been my favorite painting. I am not sure that it is because I always feel stressed or not, but I have always loved it. When I was in high school I had this little blow up scream guy that I would keep in my room and I really would use it to hit things when I was upset or felt the need to scream but didn't want to get yelled at for being so loud inside the house. I am really not sure what happened to that thing, but I really miss it. With that, here goes my next rant:


Is worry really a sin? If so man am I in trouble. My nerves are kicking my ass right now. I know there are a few things that are probably making my nerves react this way and I am not blaming anyone, because this is my own fault really. I have always been the person that gets involved in everyone’s problems, especially family. I love my family sometimes so much I just cannot control myself and have to insist on trying to help them. CODEPENDENT MUCH? Yea, needless to say my book has taken and backseat and I have to admit, I know I am this way, but no book is going to be able to stop me. I want to save the world and everyone in it, but when it comes to my family I jump in without even looking.

Thank GOD for the wonderful husband that I have, because he knows me all too well and wants to help me along the way. It really is no good to have two codependents in a household, especially when one of them (me) is thick headed. He loves me and in turn he loves my family just as much as I do, and I feel the same way about his family. I think that is the way it is supposed to be. After all we vowed to spend forever together and it would really suck to hate each others families.

There comes a time in life (well mine at least) where you start questioning everything that exists. As soon as one thing goes wrong in my life, I immediately try and figure out why it has gone wrong and then I proceed to try and fix it. As soon as one thing gets fixed, something else breaks and so on and so on. You get the picture right?

I care, for just about everyone and everything. Sometimes I wish I was heartless, but that just wouldn’t be me. I was that kid that tried to save the baby bird and nurse it back to life after it fell out of the tree. I am now the adult that skims Craigslist to see if I can help anyone find their lost pet. If you need something and I don’t need it, I would give it to you. If you needed an organ and I had a healthy enough one to spare, I would totally give it to you. I am seriously that kind of person.

For once I would love to wake up one morning and (excuse the language) not give a shit about anything. I have tried and I will be damned if that just adds more to worry about. My parents have always labeled me as the “worry wart” of the family, but it really has not come clear to me until the past few years of my life. I guess I’m trying to make it look okay that I am the way I am. I have been this way my whole life and I am thinking it is probably too late to change now, even if I wanted to.

Well, thanks for reading, that is all for now.

Peace Love and Love..

What for what?

I know that everyone is angry about the Casey Anthony verdict. I have read a few blogs speaking about Caylee and how there has not been justice for her and I DO agree with that. Instead of doing my usual tearful blog, I am not going to talk about Caylee yet, even though I am sure I will have something along that topic soon enough. I just wanted to do a little comparison to try and put this whole thing into perspective for both myself and others.

I will start with saying I believe she is GUILTY AS SIN, but sadly my opinion does not matter and neither does yours anymore. She will be set free and she could honestly go live on TV and say “yea I did do it haha” and NOBODY can do anything about it. The fact of the matter is that this is the justice system that we all live within and respect (most of us). I went to school majoring in Psychology and Criminal Justice and learned all about the ins and outs of this system. Sadly even though I wanted to believe that the jury would find her guilty, I knew they could not convict her.

Though we all feel that our justice system has failed, and we all pretty much KNOW that all signs point to her guilt, our justice system has freed a lot of people that were wrongly accused, back before DNA and all scientific stuff starting coming into play. There have been many people that have actually been wrongfully convicted for crimes and have spent half or more of their lives behind bars away from their families and the outside world. The sad thing is a lot of them are still behind bars.

My younger sister had never been in trouble in her life, got a little out of hand and got arrested for the first time. The first time! She got the full sentence and spent the last 3 years of her life behind bars. Now am I saying I think the system failed her? No, I think her life was saved because of it. She was punished for what she had done and will be working her ass off to rebuild and rekindle what has been lost from her life. There are rapists, child molesters and even still murderers walking our streets because of our justice systems flaws. It makes me angry, but the only thing I can keep telling myself is that we also have a lot of people that have gotten their lives back because of exoneration and evidence and good juries that follow the rules.

That jury had a very hard job. They have not failed us or Caylee Marie Anthony. They did the job that they were told to do, to the best of their ability with the evidence that was provided and yes she will go free. Many people dropped the ball in this case; witnesses and attorneys alike but it’s too late. All we can hope for now is that in some way or another the guilty pay and the not guilty are set free. Sadly in this case it was the opposite.

That is my rant for the day.

Peace, Love and May she be haunted daily and lose sleep over what she did

"Every little thing.. Is gonna be alright."

So, I recently turned 31 which for some reason seems harder to me than 30 did and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because my son is about to start KINDERGARTEN, or maybe it is just because it is one year older than last year, who knows. This year my birthday felt special in a different way. I wanted to cry alot and I felt very emotional during my weekend in Florida. I just watched Mason run along the beach without a care in the world and paid attention to every single detail of that weekend. I feel very lucky that I was able to make the trip on my own. Me and my little boy had some alone time in the car, that I will remember forever!

Perhaps this year felt special to me because for the first time in many years, I spent my birthday with my baby sister. She has been missing from my life all too long and I was very worried about her coming back into it. I have worked very hard at trying to distance myself from other people's lives so that I don't get too emotionally involved in something that I have no business being a part of and so far, I have been pretty successful at it. Until, my sister is involved (either one) that is when I find myself struggling to stay in my own realm. I have blogged about my need to care for everyone before, so I won't bore you with it again. Side note: I still haven't finished that damn book! But when I feel weak, I do take it out and begin where I left off and to me that does help ALOT.

I expected so much when seeing her. First and foremost I expected her to be some totally changed thug-like woman and she wasn't. Aside from some new vocabulary she had taken on, she was the same girl I missed, attitude and all. I stayed with her all weekend, taking her out to dinner, walking on the beach and even putting some loud ass make-up on my face (sorry). I enjoyed every minute of it, but when the time came for me to say goodbye I was worried with that same kind of worried I had years ago. I was just worried as I always am about my sisters and I had to tell myself that she can handle it, she has to and it isn't my place to try and handle it for her.

She finally got to visit with her babies this weekend and just hearing the happiness in her voice made me feel like that is what she needed to seal her deal of “Starting Anew” and to stay on the right track. She is with them where she belongs, even if it is just for a visit for now. She knows what she has to do to make it 100%. I have received so many texts from her and each one ends with "love you so much" and I believe her. Finally I took a breath and I feel like things just might be okay for a while, for once.

In closing for today, even though now that I have both my sisters in my life again, my stress and nerve level may go up, I feel like they are BOTH changing into the women that they deserve to be and their kids need them to be and perhaps I can finally let them fly from their "mama" sister nest and I won't have to worry much anymore (like that will stop me).

I love you both very much....

Peace, Love and Family (not matter how crazy it may be)

Puppy love never fades

I could go on for days talking about my beloved Zack, but for now I will start with this.. Thank you for readin in advanced and I'm sorry if there are tears..

I am trying not to cry anymore, because I know how uncomfortable that made him. He would always try to get as close to my face as possible, as if to try and figure out where the water was coming from. I feel in a way that he ran away and I am just waiting for someone to return him home. It seems childlike to talk this way, but there is just something missing from my life now that nothing can replace.

From the day I brought him home, I knew we would be together always, nothing could separate us. He slept in my bed every night. He watched TV with me. He would lay at my feet when I would be up late studying. He went to college a few times. He let me know when he DID NOT like a guy I would bring home, and a lot of the time I listened to him. He helped me find the funny in everything, including messes that he made on the floor and holes he would dig in the yard. He was literally my little black shadow. He always wanted to protect me no matter how big the enemy was. He traveled the United States with the only other man he would allow in my life and loved every minute of it. I am pretty sure he ate rat poisoning along with all kinds of garbage and things I am not even sure of. Nothing got him down.

I learned how to splice many wires to perfection because he chewed up just about every vacuum cord he could get is little jaws on. He never listened all that well. He loved to venture to unknown territory even if it pissed me off. I looked all night in the rain to find him four houses down the road just sniffing around. He was wild and crazy for many years, but always slept in the same spot at night (balled up in the small of my back). He was not too happy when I brought the baby human home, but he loved and protected him always.

As years passed, Zack got older and it started to show. The jumping on and off the bed and furniture was taking a toll on him and I could tell. He didn’t want to play all that much, but there always would be a night that he would find his favorite toy (little Caesar’s pizza man) that he has had since day 1 and would toss it up on the couch to play fetch. The only toy he never destroyed, it was kind of like his teddy bear. His 5-10 rounds of fetch had now turned into about 2 or 3, but it made me happy to see him enjoying himself even if it was only a few times here and there. He tired out a lot quicker and wanted to sleep and be alone a lot more.

Zack made me a dog person. He was the hardest dog to train. He was the most spiteful dog I had ever met. He hated to be ignored and not the center of attention. The only dog I have met that (when annoyed with mommy) took every single toy piled them in the middle of the room (or on my bed one day) and peed all over them all at once. I didn’t yell at him very much, because he took a lot of crap from me. He would sit on my foot so he wouldn’t slide across the floor and most of all he loved me and everyone around him no matter what. He just wanted to be loved and he was and always will be. Though it hurts to have said goodbye, I know with time it will get better. Now he can make his messes wherever he wants, eat whatever he can and play with as many friends as he wants. I hope he forgives me for what I had to do and understands that it was for the best. Whether it’s a rainbow bridge or a big field of grass (full of cicadas) I know he will be much happier and waiting for me when my time comes. To the dog that was never really a dog but my furry human that stayed by my side through thick and thin, tears and anger, sickness and health, death did us part, but not forever. I will miss your sweet personality the most.

I will end this blog with the part that I love the most from the “Rainbow Bridge Poem”.

Peace love and unconditional love.
RIP Zachary..

“They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.”

Going to sleep to dream

I know I’ve talked about my dreams before. I am always trying to interpret them in my own mind. Sometimes I come up with some strange off the wall interpretation and

then again sometimes it seems like it could work. For instance, nine times out of ten, my dreams include my father. Over the past six months or so I have been angry with him, even in my dreams and he never seems to explain himself to me or help me understand. That is a whole other blog. Today is a totally different kind of dream and surprisingly daddy wasn't in it.

If you are a close friend or you follow my blogs, you know that I can no longer have babies. I made this decision along with my husband and my doctor and we decided it was just better for my health to stop at one. It was a really hard decision that I did not take lightly and if I could go back and change it I totally would. So obviously this is something that weighs on me all the time, sometimes more than others.

Recently my best friend found out she is going to have a baby. I was so happy for her when she told me, it brought tears to my eyes. I think some of those tears were a little bit of jealousy tears too, but I love her and I know how badly she wants another baby so I am ecstatic. Ok back on track here.

Thursday night I had a very real dream that I was pregnant. I felt every bit of the dream. It wasn't just any dream either; I woke up the next morning with tears in my eyes and sick to my stomach, took a breath and got up to start my day. The meaning of the dream didn't come until later in the day. Friday, Mason, my only child ever graduated preschool. I know it's just preschool, but I think subconsciously the dream I had was my mind realizing that my baby is growing up so fast and I can't control it! This was the first time I think my dream interpretation was 100% right on. I think it is high time for me to take in every day and go by that cliché phrase Carpe Diem. I need to seize every single moment I have with that little boy even though (as he says) he will always be my baby.

I just wanted to share that. One of the many reasons, I love to sleep. Sometimes dreams are very real..

Peace Love and seize the moment...

Inside my head

Sometimes, I can lose minutes of my day in thought. There is never enough paper to write it all down. There are no words or even too many words; regardless it only makes sense to me. This in turn, becomes scary to share with anyone else. BUT, that is what I started this blog for. To share things, to heal, and to let things out that I otherwise would probably get in trouble or freak people out, if I said it to people face to face. I wrote most of this on April 20, 2011. I know I know, 4.20 yes but it was actually on my lunch break at work. I was having a rough week that week and I put my head phones on (Paramore) and this is all that came out clear, reading it now a month later. Most of the time, there is no cause for the effects of my moods or lack there of, which makes it hard to explain. So I honestly don’t remember the 20 minutes it took me to blurb all of this down on paper. But I literally just came out and no I am sharing it. So here you go. Some craziness brought to you by Heather.

(Written On April 20, 2011)
My mind won’t stop. I try to shut it down, but it just moves faster. I am starting to feel behind and lost. I don’t know how to catch up to my thoughts. The world is moving faster than I can go. Everyone else seems to be happy all the time. Why do I feel like I am a mess? I can’t even begin to slow down. I feel like I have so much more to offer and I am just keeping everything locked up. I am afraid to let it all out; it scares me to even attempt to be myself in front of everyone else. The only time I feel real is when the pen hits the paper. I know who I am then, and sometimes that is a stranger even to me.

I know this girl who is a stranger to most. I talk to her often and she listens, but it is hard to let her out. She frequents my mind and lives in my heart. She is scary sometimes, but I am never afraid because I know her better than anyone. She tells me her darkest secrets because she knows she can trust me to keep them and I will never judge her. She is my best friend and my worst enemy at the same time. Only she knows the answers to my questions. Only she knows what I am really thinking, without having to say it out loud. The moment the pen hits the paper, is when she appears. She is honest and sincere in her words. She is someone that only I can really see inside because this girl is me….

Raise Your Kids

What ever happened to parents wanting to raise their kids to be respectable, clean-cut adults? I think that got flushed down the toilet a long time ago. It’s like now, parents aren’t even raising their kids they are letting them do it themselves. Kids go where they please ALONE, they skip school and there are no consequences and THEY FIGHT!

Which brings me to my topic for the day; I was watching The Today show this morning and they were talking about this new craze of teens videotaping fights and then posting them. They actually plan these fights and then beat the hell out of each other for fun! I don’t get it. One girl ended up dead last week and a few others in the hospital. The thing that pissed me off the most was that in one video, they “mother of the year” was cheering her child on! I mean I remember the days of backyard wrestling and “meet me in the parking lot after school” fights, but this is just getting ridiculous. There are plenty of anger outlets for kids. You want to fight? Join a MMA school, Karate, join the wrestling team or here’s an idea for the parents MONITOR YOUR KIDS!

When I was about 10 I remember my father found a Tae Kwon Do school and he and my younger sister joined, soon after my mother and then well, I was told I had to join as well. I hated every minute of it! The only part that I did enjoy was the sparring part; I realized that I wasn’t scared; it felt great to let out any kind of anger or frustration I may have been having and I actually enjoyed getting hit, which really pissed my dad off. But learning Martial Arts didn’t turn me into a confrontational person who would go to school and pick fights. I suppose it skipped a generation with me, because both my sisters were all about starting fights or finishing them to say the least.

I was picked on growing up both at school from my peers and home from my sisters. Kids are just mean, they say terrible things and it’s like they are even worse now with TV and stuff they learn from their parents. I have never been in an actual physical fight. I had “words” with many girls and boys, but it never turned into something actually physical. I was in shoving matches but they never escalated from that. I never wanted to fight with anyone I just never thought it would solve anything, and honestly it really doesn’t. I have a memory from one summer when me and my younger sister were fighting in the kitchen hitting each other. My parents where not home, but dad walked in the door and caught us fighting each other. He made us stop, and then proceeded to get our sparring gear out. Neither one of us knew what was going to happen next. He threw our bags on the floor and told us to put on our gear. So we did, he then made us go out in the backyard (yes where the neighborhood could see us) and fight each other. I don’t know who won the fight that day, all I remember is I didn’t want to have to do this again and I am pretty sure I stepped in dog crap! I have no idea what we were fighting over and I don’t think I cared after that, but that was one lesson my dad taught me that I will never forget. What does it prove?

I am reminded now, of the reasoning behind me and my husband not wanting anymore children when we decided. I am worried enough raising one boy in this world we live in, I would lose my mind if I had to raise another child with all the things that kids are doing now. Peer pressure never goes away, and it seems worse now than it ever was when I was growing up and that scares me to death. I can honestly say, I fear for my sons future and I just hope that I can raise him to make the decisions that I have always made (most of the decisions I have made) and let him be the peacekeeper like his mama always has been.

PEACE love and if you can’t take care of yourself then you probably SHOULDN’T have kids..

Let us pray

Here is comes people!
Religion is not my favorite topic of discussion to bring up. I have always kept it behind closed doors, because in actuality my religious beliefs are none of your business and honestly, you don’t even HAVE to read this. I was raised in a Catholic household all my life. We went to church EVERY Sunday and my sisters and I did CCD twice a week (for those of you who do not know what CCD is: The Confraternity of Christian Doctrine was an association established in 1562 in Rome for the purpose of providing religious education. In its more modern usage, CCD is the religious teaching program of the Catholic Church. These classes are taught to school age children to learn the basic doctrines of their faith). I never considered myself “Religious”, but I knew that I loved God and I wanted to do right by him. I made my Holy Communion and followed up with my Confirmation at age 15. For some reason at that point life became busy and I never could find the time for church except for holidays.

I finally decided, once I was old enough to make my own decisions, that I did not want to be that person who JUST went to church on major holidays (Ash Wednesday, Easter Sunday, Christmas etc), if I wasn’t going to be devoted weekly then I should just not go and there you have it I made my decision and I began going instead, to light a candle once a week before school once I began college and if I could not do that I would pray at night before I went to sleep because I did not think that I had to go to a building to pray. I felt that I could have a more personal relationship with God if I prayed to him at home, and well, that is what I did.

Then my relationship with “the big man upstairs” went sour, so to speak. Both my parents got sick with Cancer. My dad died and at that time, I didn’t think my mom was that far behind him. I was angry and I could not understand how this Supreme Being that everyone prays to could allow things like this to happen. Why not give molesters and murderers cancer and let them die? Why not hurt bad people? Why my family? So from then on out I attempted to go to church, but found myself in tears every time I went. I felt like an idiot so, I decided I would only go light a candle for my dad on his birthday and on the anniversary of his death. Are you seeing a pattern here? I have always easily given up. I thought I was trying so hard to get the relationship back, but I have not been trying hard enough. I think a lot of my problem was I never could understand it and since I couldn’t understand it, I didn’t want to try anymore.

You know in movies, where there is an old decrepit woman who can hardly walk that give the young child this big speech that makes him/her have a huge revelation? Well, I don’t have an old decrepit woman, I have my grandma Mimi. Mimi has a prayer for everything and she is the best Catholic I know! We have had many religious talks on the phone and she has listened to me cry like a child about how I am angry with God and I don’t understand. She never got mad at me for saying such things, she just explained things to me and I would then feel better about it. Then she got Cancer and my whole perspective got blown out of the water. Mimi? The most holy woman I know? Ok, so maybe this is not a God thing? Maybe God didn’t give it to her. I am having new thoughts on my life long perspective of anger with God. Maybe the phrase “What does not kill us, only makes us stronger” is true. I firmly believe that Mimi’s love for God helped her through this trying time in her life and is what has kept her so calm through all of this. I admire her for that. I want to be that way.

My husband is not Catholic so it is hard for us to go to church and feel right about it because it is hard for a newcomer to deal with Catholic Mass with all the memorizing (because let’s face it, its repetitive) I would feel out of place too. But I AM Catholic and I am proud of that. So, from here on out I am going to try my best to be better at it. I will find the time to get to church. I need something in my life to make me feel whole. Maybe it’s the religion and prayer that is missing in it.

I am now 30 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with myself. I do know that yesterday was Ash Wednesday and for once in my life I am going to follow Lent the way I learned it. For Lent I am giving up my evening TV time for my Rosaries. I think it is high time, that my son had some religion in his life that is part of his routine, instead of just when he goes to visit his grandparents. Going to church doesn’t change you on the outside. It heals you spiritually and that is all I can hope for.
I am sticking with this! For once in my life I am going to be devoted to something more than just my boys. I can do it!

Peace love and well sprituality!

Let Go

I guess we all learn lessons, no matter how old or experienced you are or think you are. I feel like I am always learning the lessons that just hurt me both mentally, emotionally and on the rare occasion physically (i.e. dog bite). I am not sure if recent events are that of a lesson or just that of experience. As usual, I am confused.

I put my every emotion and feeling into things that I know I am good at. When I write, I sometimes catch myself crying or even laughing depending on the topic. The same goes for my family and friends. I want to fix everything for everyone but then I am left with a mess at my feet. I can’t help it, I just do. I have always been that way. I am a compassionate person for the most part and when I feel it in my heart that is all I need to move forward. At first I feel I am doing the right thing, until it blows up in my face and then BAM, I am the one in pieces. I put my heart out there for people to step on it and at this point I am beginning to think it is best left under lock and key.

When I worked as a counselor, I used to teach my clients about boundaries and walls that they had put up and needed to work on breaking down. Is it possible that I need to work on building my walls and boundaries? I am not sure I have ever had either at this point. If you are a regular reader, you know that I have been struggling with reading the book “Co-Dependant No more”. Don’t get me wrong, it is not taking me a long time because it is a hard book to read, I just can’t seem to sit down and finish it. Recently I made it through Chapter 7 which is; Set yourself Free; Let go and Let god. That chapter was the first chapter I actually did the activities for. I will not put you to sleep with the answers to the questions, but I came to a realization that I am 100% Co-Dependant. I always knew I was, but that chapter described every bit of me. Co-dependants aren’t the people who make things happen, we are the people who try to FORCE things to happen. Those words, describe me! Sadly, I do that.

If you read my previous post, you may understand what I am getting at. I put a lot of stock in that. I think I may have put too much stock in it. It makes me sad that I know now, and I have spoken now and discussed things and then SILENCE. That is it, nothing else. My husband (who normally just lets me realize things on my own) made me feel better last night when I said “Well, honey once again I put my heart into something and it got smashed. What a waste of energy and emotion”. He said “No, it was not a waste. You know now, and you had no contact for 30 years so what is waiting a little longer?” While I agree with him, it still hurts my heart that there is so much I want to know and learn, but this is something I cannot control and that sucks! I will work on letting go, and being patient. I will try and breathe a bit more and be patient. I will….

The next chapter is “Remove the Victim”; needless to say I have not even begun reading that one. Thanks for reading…

Peace Love and patience

Not A Sitcom Family

I used to think that my family was like the Brady Bunch, oh so perfect nothing ever went wrong. I remember the exact day my "Marsha Brady fantasy" had come crashing down. My parents first real big fight. Then from there on out, things just got more and more like Roseanne. There was no slow after school special background music when mom and dad made up or when one of us got into trouble. There were days that were perfect and there were days that were far from it. Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful life and am in no way complaining, but recent events have changed my whole outlook on things. This week, I have realized that we were NEVER like the Brady Bunch..

There is a lot going on in my head right now. It has (for once) become very hard to find the words to describe what I am feeling, because there is just so much to feel. My whole life has been a puzzle with a million pieces. Each time I pass a milestone I place a piece and there before me becomes my story. Then something or someone shakes the table and all the pieces come crashing down. I have always been able to pick them up and place them back where they belong, but every time I have noticed a missing piece. There has always been a missing piece, a very important piece that could have played a big role in my story.

I feel betrayed and angry. I feel like I was never given a choice to make any kinds of decisions. I am questioning a lot of my memories and trying to dig deep inside them to see if there may have been clues back then. My head hurts so badly because I just can’t stop looking back. I thought I knew everything about my family. I thought I had everything under control. I feel like I was kept in the dark, perhaps for protection at the time, from what? From possible happiness or love?

Young people do dumb things, I know this! MOST of these dumb things are selfish acts that others pay for in the long run. I have learned, as a parent, that selfish is not a word anymore. There is no selfish in being a parent. You can’t be about yourself anymore, it is about your children. There are no excuses or good reasons why!

I have always been very strong and I feel like for the first time, I have no answers for anything. Honestly, I don’t even know what questions to ask. It is hard when the person who has the answers is gone. I am trying to live in the moment, and not play the “what if” game, but that is easier said than done.

I have a big brother! I have known for years, but was never told the truth. I always just assumed he didn’t want anything to do with us (for good reason). I have searched obsessively! But this final search, I was not giving up and I found him. I feel as if I am a child now and need my big brother to beat up the boys that picked on me in school or the guys that hurt me. There are so many memories that he should have been a part of in my life. I blame myself for not looking harder; I blame myself for not asking more questions and making my parents tell me about him.

Just like a sister, I can feel his pain just in his words. I want to reach out and hug him and tell him everything will be ok, just like I have done with my two sisters, but he is a grown man, I think those times are lost. It makes my heart ache, knowing that the man that raised me and taught me the ways of the world, could cause such pain to someone else and for that I am lost and angry.

I may not know everything about him, but I will learn. It is never too late! Slowly I think the pain that we all have will dissipate and we will all rebuild. That does not change the fact, that he is my brother regardless of what I know or don’t know. I love him just the same like he has always been there...

Peace love & tears….

Time for a Session

I have issues.
I worry about everything and everyone under the sun.
I make your problems my problems.
I cry your tears and laugh your laughs.
I want to save the world.
I want to adopt every child and every animal that has been abused and take out the abusers.
I want to fix EVERYTHING.
It makes me sad to watch someone suffer.
I want to scream when I can’t do it all.
It makes me angry when people don’t do what they should.
Sometimes I feel like I could drop everything and disappear.
Sometimes I feel like I have failed, as a student, as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter and especially as a sister.
I’m pretty sure at times, that I have totally lost it.

I have issues.
I Psychologize everyone including myself, which I think I’m good at, but probably shouldn’t do it.
I really need to find time to cry (is that bad?)
I want my ovaries back, I changed my mind!
Knowing I can’t, makes me want another baby.
I don’t want to socialize.
I just want to be left alone sometimes (most of the time!)
I can’t control it.
I don’t want to eat healthy or exercise, what’s the point?
I am sure I will get cancer at some point in time.
Very few people know the REAL ME.
I am not trying to hide anything, just don’t want to share.
I love my husband but don’t show it.
I’m scared to death that I will fail my son.
IM LAZY AS HELL!
I miss my baby sister.
I’m worried about my grandma.
I MISS MY DADDY!!

I REALLY need to finish reading that book...
I’m not Bipolar or Schizophrenic!

This session has ended!

Hope is all I have

I have been attempting to start writing since Christmas, with no luck. I have so many things going on inside my head; I don't even know where to start. I guess since, it is a new year; I can begin with HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Since I gave up resolutions years ago, I really don’t have any to speak of. In my mind it is just a means for me to fail. (yea that’s my positive attitude)

I cry a little bit every New Year’s Eve because I know that this is another chance to start over. Even though I have 365 days to start over, it is very overwhelming for me. Every time a new year begins, I realize how I am not doing the things I always thought I would be doing by the time I hit 30. There are so many things I want to do and every year, I say this year will be my year and BAM 365 days later, i'm saying it again with nothing to show for it. It gets very frustrating. So instead of making a resolution, I will make a few HOPES for 2011.

For starters all I can hope for in 2011 is that perhaps it is better than 2010. Maybe some of my hopes will come true. Even if it’s just one that would be good enough for me. I hope Mason gets to start Kindergarten at a good school and he does well with the transition. I hope I do well with the transition. I hope my husband has a less stressful year and is able to enjoy things a little more and relax. I hope that I can get my health issues in check.

I hope that my Mimi gets a clean bill of health and her BIG C goes away quickly and she recovers well from it, because as selfish as this sounds, I don't know what I would do without her. I hope my mom's BIG C stays on the plateau it is on and she stays healthy, because again as selfish as this one sounds I do need my mommy. I hope my father in laws BIG C gets better and he has a great year and my mother in law stays healthy to take care of him.

I hope my newly married big sister has a wonderful first year of marriage with her new complete family. I hope my baby sister makes the right decision for her future and starts her life over the right way for the better and keeps herself on that road to her children. I hope she enters the real world again with lessons learned as a new woman with new priorities.

Most of all, I really hope that this year I can finally practice what I preach and realize that I am not responsible for anyone else but myself and my family. I am nobody else’s keeper. I need to finish my “Co-Dependent No More” book and accept the fact that I CANNOT fix everyone and it is not my fault if someone goes down the wrong road. I can’t control anyone. I will be a new Heather, that takes care of her boys and doesn’t feel the need to pick up the pieces of those who become broken by their own faults. I have my own pieces to tend to, thank you very much and I am wore out from that. I have been tending to other’s “pieces” for over 15 years and I just can’t do it anymore.

The love I have is all I can give, and to me, that is the most important.

Finally, I really hope that I can find something new in my life to enjoy in 2011, whether it is something for my whole family or just for me. I need NEWNESS!!

Lots of Peace & Love in 2011!