"To the Faithful Departed"

When the mood strikes, I feel the need to write. This is the only outlet I have, where I know I can say what is on my mind and SOMEONE out there is listening. I may not know their name or where they live, but they are out there and they are reading this with an open mind. I don’t like to burden anyone with my feelings or depressed states. I am the one who everyone wants to talk to and I intend to keep it that way. With that, this session has begun:

Death is inevitable and I know that now. I remember the very first time I realized that. I think I was around 16 or 17 and my great grandma (Granny) had died. It was my very first trip to a cemetery and a funeral. I remember the small plot in the ground for her urn to be buried. I had never seen an urn before. I couldn't believe that was all that was left of her. I saw my grandpa cry at the end and knew that death was real. I remember that is when I wrote my very first real poem. And so it began…

I remember every funeral I have been to since then. I remember every person that was buried. I remember how I felt and every time I remember that each funeral made me think of all the funerals I had been to in the past. Death makes me think of nothing but good about the person that passed and that even though it is a sad moment, there are more happy moments to make their passing less painful. Then death hit even closer to home, it actually hit my home.

I remember I had found out that my father had cancer the day that I was going to a funeral for a dear friend’s father. I felt like such an ass, because all I could think of when I got there was that my dad could be in that casket… Sadly, less than a year later my father was in that same room, at the same funeral parlor, in a similar casket. Talk about irony. I began losing my faith in whatever it was I believed in. I believed that bad people should be stricken with bad diseases and I though that for a long time.

My grandmother passed away yesterday. Sadly, we were not as close as we all should have been, but that does not mean I have ever loved her any less. I have many fond memories of her. The way she taught me how to knit and wouldn’t give up until I did it right (I know where daddy got it from). Her “tough love” attitude that sometimes scared me but made us kids mind her. The way she took care of me when I was sick when my parents were out of town. She would always comment on my hair and how she loved it long. I guess the point I am making is miles in between family shouldn’t mean anything. Love and happy memories can go on for a lifetime, and that will keep her in my heart forever.

With my grandmother’s passing, it has brought something to my mind however, that makes me so sad. I feel that now everything that was my father has now gone away. The people that brought him into this world are now gone and all that is left of him, well, is my sisters and I. I am hoping that since they are all up their together, they can all be forced to get along and be happy together. It’s like it is official, as childish as this sounds. All of him is gone and that just hurts.

I am sad, but I am also, so very thankful that I have my mother. My aunts and uncles are grown adults but they are still grandma’s babies. It pains me just to know that anyone has lost their mother. Words could not describe what it would do to me if I lost mine. Cancer has taken enough of her, but to lose her entirely would be something I don’t know that I could handle. I don’t know what it feels like, and I don’t ever want to feel it. Losing a mother would be losing a part of you. She carried you around and kept you healthy and alive inside herself for 9 months. Then she brings you out into the world and protects you as long as she can. I am so grateful that I have my mother still.

Watching people die makes you sad, but you should still be grateful for what you have in your life…I am grateful for: James, Mason, Mom, Mimi, Jon, Tara, Kerri,Steven, all Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Nieces, nephews, best friends and to be alive..

Peace, Love and FAMILY

Jagged Little Pills

Headache.. pop a pill, back hurts.. pop a pill, can't sleep.. pop a pill, blood pressure too low.. pop a pill, blood pressure not low enough.. pop a pill, side effects from one pill.. pop a pill, side effects from that pill.. pop a pill.
See where i'm going with this? My world has been run by pills, and not the fun make you feel all warm and free inside pills. PILLS! Over the counter pills, prescription pills, a vitamin for this a vitamin for that.

I have come to a conclusion: I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE! Now don't get me wrong, there are some that I nor my family can live with out such as my anxiety medicine. That does help and I just can't relax my mind long enough to convince myself I don't need them. For those of you that know me, you probably know what's coming next.

I recently entered the world of acupuncture. Yea little tiny needles placed in areas that are called accupoints to help with certain health problems such as sinus headaches, migraines, aches and pains etc. I was always worried about the price, and the feeling of little needles being put into my skin, but honestly if you find the right place it is easier on the wallet than you think and you hardly feel the needles. I have only been twice so far, but I have not had a migraine or needed to take a migraine pill in two weeks. Which is a big deal for me. I think that this will be my new addiction. If I have to have one, I would prefer it to be something that is not a chemical dependency and that actually HELPS! So for right now acupuncture it is. If you are having problems with anything and you have an open mind, consult your local acupuncturist.


That is all for this one.

Peace & love

"Some people say I''m a dreamer..Well, i'm not the only one"

I feel numb. So numb that it is driving me crazy. I want to pinch myself just to feel something. I have nothing to say. I can’t breath. I can barely think straight.

I have music in my ears, close my eyes and I feel for just one moment that I have escaped to my own world. I am in the greatest world I can possibly think of. I have escaped and wish not to be found. I just want to stay here for a while. It is peaceful, it is quiet, and it is whatever I want it to be. All I have to do is close my eyes and breathe.

I grew up with all kinds of music. My parents had every record you could think of whether it was Michael Jackson, Led Zepplin, Pink Floyd, it was on the radio. We were never blocked out of any types of music. I grew up knowing Fleetwood Mac, CCR, Steppenwolf and Steve Miller Band and I think that is why I choose those bands over a lot of today’s new music.

My favorite memory about growing up and being in school is my walkman! Yea, I said walkman. The greatest day was when I got my first set of headphones that I could fish through my sleeves so that when resting on my wrist in class, I could escape there and still look like I was listening to the teacher. I went through school a lot with headphones in my ears. Actually, a lot of life went on around me with music blaring in my ears. I did it to stay in my own world. It was like it made me feel confident or carefree maybe. I was not worried about what anyone thought. I didn’t care what anyway said, hell I couldn’t hear them anyway.

I think a lot now, about those days and figure; I probably could have gotten into a lot of trouble if it hadn’t been for my music. It seems now; I really want to just listen. I want to hear the words and relate to a lot of them. Today it could be something angry like Disturbed, when yesterday it could have been more peaceful sounds of Stevie Nicks or Enya. Either way, I just want to escape even for just my 30 minute lunch break, or the walk from the parking lot to my office in the mornings, I need that. It is my solace, some people meditate some people do yoga, I just listen and everything seems fine. It honestly helps me feel better.

I agree with Maya Angelou when she said “Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness”. It amazes me that something so common and in everyone’s daily life, could make such a difference in my life at any second of the day, my mood can change with the help of some good tunes.

That is all.

Peace N Love..


“Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it”, John Lennon

What Dreams are Made of...

I had a dream about you the other night.. It is so hard to explain to anyone else. It was amazing. I didn't even wake up sad. I was so happy. The dream itself was, well crazy, as they usually are for me. You asked me how Mason was and said you would visit soon, like you had been to see him before. We talked about everyone.. I caught you up on the latest drama. For the first time EVER, I had a dream about you and we sat down and talked. We never do that, kind of like real life when you were here. We rarely sat down and just talked, it was usually me in trouble for something or there was a recent tragedy.

You sat and listened to me babble on about me and life etc. I cried a little and you told me it would be alright. I miss that. I held your hand and it was rough like it was real. You smelled like a mixture of gasoline and fresh mowed yard, I forgot how I loved that smell. You were wearing your old blue sweatshirt that had the oil stain on it just like my 8th birthday when you and mom had a suprise party and gave me that purple bike with the white basket and the daisies on the front. I am so glad that is the way I remembered you. I could go on describing it. There was some silence, but we just sat together and I was happy. I don't remember all the words, but what I do remember made me so happy.

"Do you know I love you? I love you very much Heather. You can talk to me any time you want. I will listen". Tears rolled down you cheek, you stood up let go of my hand and dissappeared...

I had to share it. I don't care how childish it sounds. I never have dreams this vivid of him. I wish they would happen more often, I wake up feeling like I went to visit him in a way.

No matter how old you get you are still someones baby. I will always call my mother mommy until I can't say it anymore. My good memories outweigh the bad and I have my parents to thank for that.

Peace Love and ZzZzZz

My Scarlet Letter

Before you read further, this may just be for woman, but I think that it would be helpful for a man who is with a woman with similar problems to read it as well.

You may have gone about your life thinking to yourself that pain is normal. Pain with your period is normal yes, but extreme pain before, during and after is NOT. Pain with sex (if you’re that kinda gal *GRIN*) is also normal at times, but extreme pain during and after is NOT.
I wasn’t told that I had endometriosis until I was 20. That was almost 5 years after the pain began. When I started researching it for a college essay, I had no idea that is had been causing pretty much every internal problem I had since I had begun with puberty (i.e. intestinal problems, urinary problems, back problems etc). At the time of my initial diagnosis, the doctor gave me two options; Get pregnant or Have a hysterectomy! WOW! Really? I was only 20, and just getting through college, so you can imagine how neither option was really an OPTION for me. So, I decided to just deal! I went on with it, after all it wasn’t constant. Just about 25 days out of the month, anytime I EVER had intercourse etc. NOT MUCH!
I have been to numerous doctors around the state. Including pelvic pain specialists and doctors that recommended electroshock treatment..Yea, I mean DOWN THERE too! Needless to say I walked out of that office. I have had more procedures than I can really remember, my belly button that was once a cute little one, now looks as if it exploded. I have been on pain pills on and off roughly for almost 10 years now. I have ingested excessive amounts of birth control pills, hormones etc.
At one point I was even told “no babies for you Heather, it probably will never happen”. Well, we all know that turned out to be a different story. From the day I found out I was pregnant, until Mason was about 12 months old, I literally had NO PAIN! None at all, I felt great! But that changed pretty quickly for me.
I began hurting constantly and it was all way too familiar for me to not know what was going on. It had returned, the BIG E! My scarlet letter. I went to my doctor and we discussed my options, as now I was forming cysts and my endometriosis had spread rapidly. Was I ready for a hysterectomy?
I waited over a year to decide and finally, I figured I was just delaying the inevitable it was time to end this and begin a pain free life. I was in a way very excited about it. After all, I really knew only one way of life and that was with the pain.
So, October 2008 I went into surgery one woman and came out someone totally different. I had to wait for 6 months to go on any type of hormones to make sure that the endometriosis was all gone first so I dealt with all the effects of menopause which were not pretty for me, but even scarier for my loved ones since they were the ones that got most of my wrath. Over a year later, for the first time in my life, I really thought that I was in control of my body. I had no pain, no hot flashes, no night sweats, NO PAIN! NONE! I felt great. Was that it? Was it over?
Not by a long shot Heather!
The happiness did not last very long for me. Pain returned a few months ago. I never even gave endometriosis another thought, after all that is why I had all my girly organs removed to get rid of it. Over the past two months, I went to over 5 doctors and had man different diagnoses. I was finally sent to a surgeon with the prognosis of a hernia. Okay great surgery again! The surgeon sat down and talked with me and we began talking about my history of endometriosis. I laughed at him, because I just figured he hadn’t read my chart clearly. I had a hysterectomy, there is no way it can be that. Since, nothing showed up on any scans (including the so-called hernia), the next step was a laparoscopy to check things out.
Long story short, there is no cure for it people. Estrogen is the Miracle Grow for endometriosis. That is the only thought I have. It came back! I have been home since Friday recovering from my surgery and while I am happy that they found out the answer for my recent pain, I am so angry that it is what it is. I now have to stop taking my hormones and go back to the zombie that is me in menopause, and I am scared. I am so scared to have to go back to that.
I just had to tell someone. I wanted to do this, so that men and woman together understand how common it is to have Endometriosis. Many woman don’t realize it until it is too late. Some catch it early. But now matter when you catch it, just know that it will be there for good. There is no cure, especially if you are on hormones, which I cannot imagine life without them. Sadly, now I have to deal without for a while, but that is my scarlet letter. The BIG E! I am not complaining, I am just tired. I am tired of it always being there. But life does go on with or without hormones, with or without pain. It goes on. After all, I made it this far with it.. What is the rest of my life?
That is all. I hope this at least helps someone understand. Pain is not normal! And for Men.. Just be supportive, she can’t help it.. Really.

Peace n love..

4th of July Vent

I am having a hard time getting motivated at all lately. Today is the 4th and I have been home all day attempting to rest off this "summer cold" I was blessed with this past week. Something about muggy hot weather just makes a cold that much worse. So the day is just about over and it is now coming up on fireworks time. My boys are on their way home from visiting and I am being expected to actually leave the house to go watch fireworks, and to tell you the truth I don't want to leave the house. I just want to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I have always loved fireworks. My all time favorite is sparklers. I am not sure why, I think it is because I ALWAYS remember sparklers as a child. Not those little sparklers though, the long ones that have the pink stick, they last alot longer. Those were the only ones my dad would let us play with while he lit off the ones that we could possibly blow our hands off with. I want Mason to have the same memories of the fourth of July. I want him to write his name in the air with it and watch the letters slowly disappear.

I guess I am just venting today. I really don't have a point that I am trying to reach. I just wanted to let it out that I am trying to feel better, even though I am pretty sure everyone believes otherwise. That is the great thing about my blog.. I can say what I want and I don't have to wait for a reply or anything. It's like my shrink that I don't pay. I am going to drink some caffeine and get a bit of motivation I think. I don't want to disappoint my baby today. I am going to take pictures of some fireworks and my sons face when he hears the big booms and cracks.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL 2010..!

Peace Love and TheraFlu..

RAMBLE RAMBLE

Just one of those days where I want to say what is on my mind. There is really so much in my head that it is hard to put it words. All last week, I attempted to start writing. I started something about my dad for Father's day, then I started one for my husband for Father's day. Never finished them. I feel like I am getting back into my old habits again, of not writing down what I am feeling. I was doing really well with it in the beginning.

I feel numb today. Numb in my mind with pain elsewhere. I want to cry but laugh instead. I want to talk about it but tend to scream. The fear of the unknown, I believe is getting to me. Not knowing is the hardest part. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring is just a part of life and I understand that, but I can't shut off my mind from thinking about it.

There is one thing I HAVE actually been doing and that is reading. I have been reading my book every chance I get and it is really making things seem so clear to me these days. It makes me sit back and realize who I am, this late in the game. Is it late, or is it just in time? Why not start fresh in a new decade? Why not? I will. That is my plan. If I can just get my mind through this week and be put at ease. If...

So, my husband called me on my attitude this weekend. I have been kind of well, bitchy for lack of a better term since I have been having these whatever problems, I hve been having. I always know when he is over it, because he gets this look on his face and he waits until he just can't take anymore. I don't blame him! I can't believe he waited this long without saying anything. I immediately apologized for my behavior, and he immediately said he understood. I try.. I really do.. Maybe I need to try harder. Maybe. I love him so....I will just apologize again next time..

THAT'S ALL.. THANKS FOR READING.

PEACE LOVE AND I HATE MY HAIR!

Hypochondrianxiety

My whole life I have always been a “worry wart”. My parents always told me this. My mom actually started calling me “hypo Heather”, which I always just kind of brushed off as funny. Well, come 2003 after daddy died and mom got diagnosed, she thought I was “hypo heather” then? Well, look out! Every little swollen gland when I’m sick, every ache, in my head is CANCER! I always just thought that a hypochondriac was just someone who always THOUGHT they were sick, but the definition takes it to a whole other level, sadly my level. I have never actually looked up what a Hypochondriac was until today:

Hypochondriac: A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health.

The hypochondrium is the anatomic area of the upper abdomen just below (Greek "hypo" meaning "below") the cartilage (Greek "chondros" meaning "cartilage") of the ribs. Hypochondriasis was thought by the ancients to be due to disturbed function of the spleen and other organs in the upper abdomen.

Right. So, there you have it! That is me in a nutshell. I drive myself totally crazy. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have had my share of legitimate problems, BUT all tests have always come back normal and I keep thinking “what if they missed something”! I am trying my damndest to get these crazy thoughts out of my head. So that is the explanation for half of my brain working the way it does...

The other half is ANXIETY! We all have it from time to time. Mine kicks in normally at night when it is quiet and I can’t fall asleep. “Oh my gosh, James said he was on his way home, it normal takes him 20 minutes... it has been 25 what if he is dead on the side of the road and no one sees him”. Morbid right? A normal person might think he must be stuck in traffic, or a jealous wife would think, that bastard is running around on me. NOT THIS GAL! Nope. HE DEAD! Automatic thought... CREEPY! So there are drugs for that and yes they do help most of the time. But I am beginning to feel certifiably crazy these days.

I have made a decision over the past month to throw myself into things. First, to take care of my wandering mind, with a book on Buddhism this was very peaceful and interesting but SLOW. Then my sister in law told me about another book, that I immediately read a sample of and said “wow that is totally me”, it is called Codependent No more and it speaks to me and makes so much sense. I need to take care of me and what’s mine and stop worrying about everything else that I have NO control over. So I have that going for me. Now onto the other half of my plan, my body. So I have decided (now don’t laugh) to take on Roller Derby. I will let you digest that for a second.

There are two things, I have always been good at in my life; skating and getting hit! It’s true. I took martial arts for 10 years or so and even though I hated every second of it. When I got in the ring to spar, I just enjoyed getting hit rather than hitting back. My dad used to scream at me from the side lines “you have to hit back!!” Now, don’t get me wrong, there is danger in the Derby, but that is not even the part that scares me. What scares me is failing at yet another “thing” in my life. I think that FINALLY I have found something that could make me so happy and fit while, doing what I have always loved at the same time, incorporating some things I learned from my dad’s pushy behavior.

So there you have it. It has been a while since I have blogged, because I have had so many things going through my head that it is too chaotic to put down in words. I am ready to start a new on June 28, 2010, my 30th birthday I will become, Heather Hodge; the less worrying, physically and mentally fit mama and wife. That is all!

Peace, Love, and the occasional black eye.

NEW KNOWLEDGE

I feel like I am ignoring you my sweet blog that listens to me and doesn't talk back or judge!! I have had alot going on both in and outside my head. My book finally came in the mail yesterday and I have already started reading it. It is called "Letting Go of the Person You Used To Be; Lessons on change, loss and spiritual transformation". It is written by Lama Surya Das who is a Buddhist. I am very intrigued by this book and will keep you informed. For today, I will just share what I have absorbed so far.

Das says: "Face your difficulties realistically, rather than withdrawing from them, and riches can be yours. When faced with pain and misfortune, simply stop and center yourself in the present moment, here and now; take a deep breath, sit down and concentrate; pray; or try to laugh, one way or another. Laugh the cosmic laugh, lighten up and be en-lightened".

This is something I need to learn. I need to stop living in my pain or sadness. I have to live in the NOW as they say. I have actually had to take a few deep breaths today and it really has helped. I will learn to build myself into the woman I know I can be.

and one more quote...

"When the heart grieves for what is lost, the spirit rejoices over what is left".
Sufis

That is so true..HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL..BE SAFE!

PEACE N LOVE..

The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind

Every morning for the past week, my alarm goes off at 6 a.m. I roll over, turn off the alarm and reset it for 6:45. I have so many things lingering in my mind that it is hard for me to go to sleep at night, which in turns makes it that much harder to roll out of bed in the morning. Then when I get up all I want to do is go back to bed all day long. Where did my motivation go? Well, technically I never really had any, but what I had went down the crapper this past week. I guess being that I have a lot on my mind and am trying to do so many things, I am kind of stressed in a way, which then brings out a little bit of a depression, which I have always learned to live with. So, when I was slowly getting ready for work this morning I overheard that the Dalai Lama was going to be on the Today show for his first live interview ever and with the magic of the Internet, I was able to watch it today at work while eating my lunch.

He sat in his chair legs crossed in his lap, like a child answering all the questions that were asked of him so quickly and honestly as if he already knew they would be asked. He was so calm with every answer it amazed me. He said so many things that even though they were answers to questions having to do with our world and tragedy, I could relate those answers to my every day life. He said: The news media only highlights the negative things about the world and the positive things are taken for granted. (The biggest reason why I try to keep away from watching the news anymore) The problems facing the world may seem overwhelming, but basically these problems are temporary, other than natural catastrophes, most are man made, and our own creations. So logically, we also have the ability to work on these problems.

My takeaway point from his interview was actually some advice he had been given from an older Buddhist priest years ago; he said:

“When tragedy happens, and there is a way to overcome that tragedy, then there is no use in worrying. When tragedy happens, and there is not a way to overcome that tragedy, then there is no use worrying.”

Among other powerful things that he said, that one just stuck with me. I worry way too much, as my husband tells me and really it is an uncontrollable thing that I have always had to deal with since I was very young. My parents always called me the “worry wart” of the family. I would worry about my family, my friends, their family, their pets, their pet’s families... You get the idea. I continue to be that person and have such a struggle day to day trying to stop my mind from running into worries. It is only natural as a mother to worry about my family, but when your mind makes up these catastrophic scenarios it just becomes downright unhealthy. I never thought that I would be so interested in what the Dalai Lama had said, but now I want to read books on his religion. I want to see his teachings, because I think that my life just might benefit from it. I feel like a better person having listened to what he said today and I plan on keeping what he said close to my heart in hopes that it may help me move forward in a positive manner in my life.

Peace, love and useless worrying.

My first Amendment

I started my blog last month, because I just wanted an outlet. I have always wrote in a journal pretty much since I can remember, but I had gotten to the point where it just was not helping anymore to put it on paper and shut the book. Then I started thinking, if I wrote a blog, at least I would know that there is SOMEONE that is reading it, even if there are no comments. I know that there is at least one person out there reading this stuff. I may sound like I am complaining, or whining or whatever, but this is my therapeutic way of getting things off my chest. Some things are about others, some are just about what is going on in my life. It is all truth though and I think that is what is so great about it. I don’t have to lie, I can tell the truth without leaving out any of the rough details. Nobody’s life is perfect! There is nobody out there that has not had some sort of heartache one time or another. Everyone needs an outlet and this is mine. Since I started, I have been able to let a lot of things out and my head has actually cleared a lot of clutter. I have gotten things off my chest and I have finally been able to deal with more important things in my life, like my family and things that make them happy.

I have gone around my whole life doing as I was told by my parents and doing everything I could to make them happy, whether or not it made me happy. I was always the “good daughter”, so to speak and for the first time, I have realized, I am a grown woman now; and I am not here to please anymore. What a relief! I got married over 5 years ago and I am now realizing that? I had my own son over 4 years ago and I am now realizing that. WOW! My poor family! I have not been 100% here for them in a long time and I realize this now. I have been too depressed, or too sad, or angry to do anything with my son. I just blow it off on my husband and that is not fair.

I am going to be 30 years old next month and I am turning over a new leaf! I have wasted too much time trying to DO for everyone else’s happiness. It is my turn now! I am going to be the mother and wife I know I can and should be. No more of this walking on eggshells to please those who don’t support me, but belittle me. No more crying over it! No more! I am done with that aspect of my life and starting fresh!

I am a smart, woman who is very much loved and cared for.
I am me.
Like it or leave it that is all.
I am not perfect to you, but just enough for me.
I am not beautiful, but I make him happy.
I am me.
Love me or hate me, that is all.
Thank you for Reading..

Peace N love!

Baby Mania

Over the past month or so, just about every female acquaintance I may have on FaceBook has become “with child”. It is like one after the other! And while I am so happy for them all, I am overcome with my own sadness.

The happiness is because I was blessed to have been able to feel the magic, that is, a baby growing inside. There were so many emotions that came over me the day I found out I was pregnant; feat, excitement, anxiety, etc. I was surprised for the most part, because so many of the doctors that I had seen over the years told me that it would be hard for me to get pregnant if I could at all. So in my eyes this was a miracle in the first place. I literally was in shock and had no idea what kind of reaction to give the nurse. So I said “no, I’m not”, but she brought me back and showed me the pregnancy test and it was boldly positive.

The day I felt the first real kick, I knew it was actually real. I was officially going to become a mommy. Not to mention the day I saw him on the ultrasound and was told he was a boy! What I am getting at is all of the emotions you have at that point are just mind blowing and totally uncontrollable. I mean I never knew that there would come a day when I could not describe how I was feeling in any way.

Now, to why I feel sadness. I don’t think about it all that much since my hysterectomy, but the thought crosses my mind from time to time; obviously there will be no more babies for me. Don’t get me wrong, the decision was a hard one and took a lot of deliberation, but the decision was made, that there would be no more children because I had lived with the pain long enough. So October 21, 2008 I went in to have it done.

It was an indescribable feeling when I woke up from surgery that day. From that day forward, I just have not been the same person. It was like they took my heart out with everything else. Some days, I almost think I would rather be in pain again, rather than having to deal with the hormone crazed mania I run into. Some days I want to stay in bed and just let the world go on around me. Then, there are other days when I cannot shut up and will totally talk you head off if given the chance. There is never just a neutral day anymore.

Today, I want a baby and I know I can’t have one, and well, that makes me so very sad. But, I will go home tonight, jump into bed with my beautiful little boy and just hug and kiss him over and over because I know that there will be a day that he understands how very much he means to me…

Peace, Love and bundles of joy!

Little Princess

I went to the visitation last night and I am having a hard time describing my feelings when I walked into Parlor room D. The mood was not that of a visitation for an adult who had passed. I have never been to a funeral or a visitation of a child and I was terrified in the first place. I think alot of it was because I have a child of my own and could not even begin to imagine losing him, let alone having to watch him fight and struggle as long as she did. I didn't cry.. Which surprised me to no end. I walked in and there is was.. a small pink pearl casket covered with flowers and giant Abby Cadabby sitting in the chair next to it. It became clear that a child had passed. That is really all I can bring out to describe. So then I wrote this:

Sweet little princess, with eyes so bright, please do not worry, there will be no more fight.
You were brought to this world, an angel in disguise and fought to the end, a warrior in our eyes.
Sweet little princess, with a heart so true, always wearing a smile, no matter what you went through.
Your pink painted nails and little bows in your hair, made it seem like you had not a care.
Sweet little princess so young and free, your time hear with us has come and gone so abruptly.
You learned all you could and loved to no end, that you have all you need to begin your ascend.
Sweet little princess do not be afraid.
That halo is yours now all shiny and luminous.
Those wings are yours too and will help you watch over us.
For when it became your time to leave, a brand new angel, in heaven, was conceived.

Rest in Peace Little Princess.. Though I didn't get a chance to get to know you I love you like I did and will miss you just the same. You have inspired me in a way that is indescribable and you were already an angel for that..

PEACE N LOVE.

It's a boy!

I have never been the cuddly, cutesy, girly type that was all embarrassed around boys in school. The only thing that made me girly in my eyes was my intense love for figure skating. I never wore the little skirts or dresses on the rink. It was shorts and leggings for me and the first time one of those preppy little princesses mouthed off to me on the rink they would have one angry tomboy on their hands.

I had more boy friends in school, than girls for the shear fact that I could not stand many of the girls and their cuteness, boy-talk and lip gloss. I liked being rude with the boys, talking about cars and being “just one of the guys”, which made my dad worry if you know what I mean. To this day, I would rather wear an old pair of my husband’s shorts outside, than an uncomfortable bikini or a pair of shorts that even remotely rise above my knees. I was actually relieved the day the ultrasound tech told me that I was having a boy! Having a girl sounded good in theory, but I was scared to death of all that pink, dolls, and PMS; if she was going to be anything like her mother….look out! It is just easier to dress a boy in tattered jeans or overalls, and let him get all dirty and drop his drawers in the backyard if he has to go really bad.

However, there is something to be said about shoes. Holy cow do I love shoes. Shoes are the one thing that is constant. Once you reach your size, your feet don’t get fatter or skinnier for that matter. I remember my favorite pair of boots growing up. They were little black ankle boots that I wore with EVERYTHING! I believe I even wore them with a Halloween costume one year. Thereafter, I have always had a pair of black boots in my closet, even now with my token “slut boots” as I call them. I remember the sound my boots made when I would walk down the hall at school or anywhere, they would click and it made me feel important, like everyone was looking at my boots. I guess that is another thing that makes me girly… To this day…the click click click is an exhilarating noise to me, never annoying, but always with pants..

That is all.

Peace, love and Purple shoes.

Dearest Sisters

There is something to be said about a long car ride in the middle of nowhere with my older sister that just reminds me of how important it is to have her. There is a special bond that sisters have and even if bad things happen, that bond can be rejuvenated in an instant.

I grew up the middle child of three girls. I like to believe that I was always the peacemaker or the mommy of the three. We had our fights and disagreements, but when things were good, they were really good. My baby sister and I were always close, well because she was the baby and for some reason I always felt the need to watch her closely as if I were her mother. My older sister and I have always had a totally different relationship. One of trust, understanding and love. I tried to give her what she didn't get from our parents as they were always at odds with each other. I tried my best to listen to her and keep her sane and calm at all costs. They both have such special places in my heart, that it kills me to see either one in pain, unhappy or hurting in anyway.

This past weekend, I spent some time much needed time with my sisters. My big sister and I drove the long, boring, backwoods two and a half hour trip to visit our baby sister. Before I go on, I guess I could explain where we were going and why we had to go all the way there. Well, in short my baby sister made some wrong turns over the past couple of years and she finally ran out of luck and got caught doing the wrong thing. She now resides in a woman's correctional facility in Florida and does not have an out date for another year or so. That is as far as I will go on that.
For the first time in years, all three of us were together for no reason, but to visit with each other. We came together to be there for her and it felt so great. We shared hugs, and kisses. We reminisced on happy memories. We talked about sad memories and well, we cried...We caught up. We talked about future plans, but above all, we were together and even in silence it was a wonderful feeling.
It may not have been the best venue for a sister reunion, but it was wonderful to finally have time together.

Over the years we have all been so judgemental upon each other, but once we realized that it was not us causing these judgements, we grew past it. We made a pact on Saturday May 1, 2010, that we will care for each other and be there to pick each other up when we fall, because that is what sisters are for. I will always remember our day together, not because of where we were, but because of how we were, we were sisters and we were real. There were not officers around, we weren't locked in, we were there together like we will be forever and that is what was important.

And I will end with a quote from the book I bought for my sister (Love Letters to my sister).

"You can feel my love if whenever you need, whenever you choose, no matter where you are. Just think of me and feel my love lifting up your happiness. Let my good feelings for you empower you. I love you, Your sister."

Peace N Love.

A Tiny Warrior

Today I write on behalf of a very strong little girl named Shaylin, she has been fighting all kinds of health obstacles since birth, but that is just it…She has been FIGHTING! This little girl is 3 years old and has an extraordinary will to live. I went to visit her about a month ago in the hospital. She may or may not have known I was there visiting, but the way she has been fighting, I hope and believe that the next visit she will be awake and I will actually get to see what a personality I truly believe she has.

Next time you feel like complaining about any kind of problem you have in life, check out this page and become a member to read her story; carepages.com (prayers for Shaylin). I have dubbed this little princess as a “baby warrior”. If that isn't a definition of will to live, I don’t know what is. I personally believe it is a mother’s love, that helps a child fight. Any kind of love has power, but a mother’s love is so strong, it can make things happen. We carry our children around in our belly for 9 months and help it grow and stay healthy. The scariest part is bringing that child out into the world. They are no longer protected by your womb. Suddenly the mother’s love becomes doubled! Whether you have adopted a child or were blessed to be able to have one, either way….You don’t mess with a mother! She will protect her baby until the end of time and our babies know it. They can sense it!

I am a firm believer that children are born pure and that they are more aware of their spiritual surroundings than adults. Just as they are fearless, they are also sensitive to everything that goes on around them (awake or asleep). I believe the reason that children are such strong individuals is because they are so innocent. They don’t know anything bad or scary unless we allow them to see those things. They are just pure and happy and that is really all they know. Yet the older we get, the quicker we are ready to throw in the towel.

I remember being a child and not having a care in the world. I had no idea what was going on around me, but that did not last long. I was not too old when I remembered my parent’s first fight, I thought we were the Brady Bunch until then; or my first trip to emergency room, not so fearless after that; or getting picked on for the first time by someone at school, lasted longer than I care to admit. I think that it why it makes us so sad to watch our babies grow up so quickly. They were protected from the world when they were under our wing so to speak. Then they start school and there is “that” child that teaches them about the real things in life, that he/she learned at a young age. They come home and catch the news before you change the channel and suddenly they are worried that our house will catch fire...

For all of these facts, I have a special place in my heart that hurts for Shaylin and her mama. No child or mother should have to endure what they are going through. She was born into a fight with her health. She has no control over it, and she is not giving up. She was brought into this world to make a statement and at 3 years old, I think her statement is that of bravery and strength... Something we all could use!

So, to Shaylin Lewis at 3 years of age: You are a warrior, like Joan of Arc will not give up and I am humbled by your “will to live”.

ANGER

When did it become normal to hear about missing children on the daily news?
Where are all these babies going?
The sad thing is, I ask these questions on a daily basis. I hurt for all of these children that have been murdered, or kidnapped, or have not been recovered as of yet. It is an uncontrollable pain that I have for all of them. They did not ask to be brought into this hateful world. They are innocent, trusting beings that know no evil.

I have said before that I originally went to school for Criminal Justice so that in time I could become a judge to help keep criminals off the streets. The more I think about it now, that profession would be a bad choice for me. There are too many people out there that I believe should not be waiting on death row eating three square meals a day, watching television, being able to look out a window who should just have been taken out by a good old fashion firing squad. Or even better how about good old “eye for an eye”? Why do these murderers, rapists and child molesters get to be innocent before proven guilty in a court of law, when we ALL know they did it? When did the world get so lax?

Which brings me back to the whole God thing? Why would these individuals even be created? Save the world a whole lot of heartache is what I think. They are sitting on their asses, eating food bought with food stamps killing and hurting people. While there are actual good adults and children suffering from illness that they do not have the money to get proper care for, or babies in hospital beds, suffering from congenital problems they were born with. I want to know why things are the way they are!

I used to watch the news every night and it was having nightmares, but hell now I can’t even watch the news during the day!..

Well, I feel better.

Peace, anger n Love (today at least)

Keep your friends close..

As I do everyday while eating lunch, I peruse over some of my friends facebook pictures and their friends to see if there is anyone I have missed. Today, I realized that there was once a time that I had quite a few friends in my life. I remember how hard it was for me to actually make friends back in the day. Then, when I finally had a good group of close friends, my parents felt it necessary to move us to HickTown Tennessee. I was so angry! I had just finished 11th grade and now I had to do my senior year in a whole other state! I thought it was over. I had to leave all my friends in Florida behind and attempt to make new ones, in some Podunk town. All I could think of was Dolly Parton, Country music and Cowboy boots!

June 1997 we made the big move and that was the last time I got to see any of my closest friends! I wrote letters and made some phone calls in the beginning months , but soon that stopped and we all lost touch. Then came Myspace and then Facebook. All of a sudden I had all my old friends just a mouse click away. We all spoke like we had never lost touch, but we really had. I look back on their pictures from the past years and I feel like I should have been in some of those pictures. It makes me jealous at times. Don't get me wrong, we all have our memories, but I just can't help but imagine what it would have been like if we had stayed....

Well, I would not have the life I have right now that is for sure. I would never have met my husband, which means I would have never had my beautiful son and I definitely wouldn't be were I am today!.

Over the past couple of years, I have made some pretty awesome friends! Friends that I know I can count on. Real friends that would drop everything and help me plan a surprise party for my husband. Real friends that understand how I am feeling and know that when I say "I'm okay" Okay is just not normal for me. Real friends that understand what being a mother is like and get it when I just don't feel like talking or going anywhere. Real friends who don't judge me even the slightest when I tell them my darkest secrets. Real friends that will drop everything and come with me to the doctor, just to watch my son in the waiting room. REAL REAL friends. They are my girlfriends.

It is odd how things change in life. I always had friends that were guys and argued with girls. Maybe I was jealous.. Hey, Maybe they were jealous, who knows. I never saw me saying that I had "girlfriends" but I do and I love them all dearly. Whether we see each other every day, talk every day, or don't for weeks at a time; we always catch up! I am so grateful to have my girls! They get me! And I get them! And well, what else is there?

That's all that is on my mind right now!

Peace N Love

Just a Smile

I have a hard time making positive out of anything in my life. That is something that I am always working on doing better, but when you have a child it is so hard to make negative out of anything they do. Mason is 4! He is at that ever changing age. He likes to make you laugh (which gets him in trouble at school). He loves to say I love you to me and his daddy. He is full of hugs and full of kisses. His smile makes you melt. He knows when I don't feel well and he is usually concerned about it.

We decided after many discussions to purchase a swing set for the backyard. Yes there may be a method to our madness, but we knew Mason would love it. Good friends came over last night and helped set it up. Mason could hardly contain himself when he saw it actually becoming more than just metal poles in plastic wrapping. I sat on the patio listening to my friend talk to me and I literally zoned out as I watched Mason sit on the swing for the first time and just kick his legs.. The smile on his face was almost magical. There are no words to describe how I felt watching him at that very moment. Then having to pull him away from it to put him to bed was just evil!

I got out of bed this morning and went to wake him up and he was not in his room. My mother's instinct told me exactly where he was though. I figured, my little rug rat would already be outside sitting on a swing, but he knows not to go out without permission (or at least this time he did). I walked out into the kitchen, peaked around the corner, and there he was sitting on a chair leaning on the window sill just looking at his brand new swing set. I watched him quietly, he didn't say a word he was just gazing. At that moment, the happiness on his face meant the world to me. Nothing else mattered to me at all right then.

This makes me remember as one very specific moment in my childhood life. It was Easter Sunday and we had just gotten up and opened our Easter baskets. Dad told me to take out the trash and I really didn't want to. I mumbled under my breath how mad I was out into the garage, when the garage door opened and there sat a bright red shiny new go-kart! I remember my excitement and I was 11 years old maybe. That very excitement plus, is what I see in Mason's eyes when he looks at his swing set.

I think finally, just shy of my 30th birthday, I am realizing that all the stress of being a parent pays off in just one little smile, or kiss, or hug. It makes me realize that yes, I am his mommy and one day, he will stop calling me mommy and leave me, but for now his daddy and I are the center of his little world! Doesn't get any better than that! Does it?

Peace N Love

Puppy Love

So, I have been in a ranting mood since weekend, but sadly I have had no time to write. So I think I will start with what is bothering me today. After all, isn't that what a blog is for?

I believe it was 2000 or so, I walked into the groomers to drop off my mother's dog "rusty" to get groomed and there in a small cage sat the cutest, most beautiful black miniature schnauzer you will ever see. The cage had a sign on it that said "My name is Zack I am 3 months old, and I need a loving home". That was it, I passed "Rusty's" leash to the lady and immediately went over to that cage.. I fell in love. I had been depressed lately after a break up with yet another sad-excuse and I had sworn no more dating for a while. I went home and immediately told mom about him. I was surprised, that she didn't think I was serious about getting him. After all, dad was not into anymore dogs in the house.

So, to my mother's surprise, Zack came home (to my parent's house mind you) that day and we have been together ever since. He has always been the constant in my life; before my husband, way before Mason. He was mine and he loved me no matter what. Don't get me wrong he was a spiteful little guy and well still is really. He has always been very healthy and has always slept beside me at night. Don't worry I am getting somewhere with this.

This past weekend, Zack bit Mason. Now before you start jumping to conclusions, there was no blood drawn and it was provoked. However, a bite is a bite and my husband and I vowed that once Mason came along, he takes first place. I know the circumstance was that Mason was tugging on his collar to get him to do something that he did not want to do, but still biting is unacceptable. I know what my husband's thoughts are (I don't even want to say it), but I cannot even bring myself to think about it. This has not been the first bite. He has bitten and growled at us all a few times, when he does not want to be bothered. He is getting old what do we expect? My head is filled with "what to do's" and sadly brings back some bitter memories..

2004: Daddy had been gone for almost a year now. Jaime was on the road with work, which was very common at the time. It was late, there were tears, The Cranberries were playing on the radio ("When Your gone", if I remember correctly). I laid on the bed with a hand full of pain pills. I was in a place at the time that I cannot describe. My daddy was gone, my mommy was so sick and I feared she would be gone soon too. I had nobody there for me at the time, just me and my pills. I went to the kitchen and got a glass of wine. I had never felt so sure about what I was about to do in my whole life until that night. I went back in to the bedroom and sat on the bed, closed my eyes and began to drink. I raised the pills to my mouth. Out of nowhere, Zack jumped up on the bed, took his snout and popped my hand so the pills fell to the floor. Surprised, I put my wine glass down and attempted to pick them up for fear he may eat them. He nuzzled under my hand and looked right into my eyes as if to say "what are you doing? Stop it!" The tears began to roll down my face quicker, but in a different way. I was relieved. I thought I had nobody that night, but I had Zack. He was my somebody. I put the pills in the toilet and poured the wine down the drain.

Depressing? Yes maybe, but that night was a secret between me and Zack for years. Zack was meant to be mine. I needed him and he has ALWAYS been there for me. I know it must sound crazy hearing someone talk about a dog like this, but after that night when I am feeling down, I can look into those loving black eyes of his and remember what he had done for me that late night. He couldn't tell anyone on me. He couldn't yell at me. All he had to do was look at me and he saved me.

For that reason, Zack will never leave my house. Sadly, he is getting older now. He is no longer a puppy and doesn't want to play as much as he used to. Biting or not, he is mine and I am his. He will stay by my side until his last day.

That's all for now!

Peace N Love

Hello Beautiful.

This morning I got out of bed and started to walk out to the office, where I keep the scale. Just before I stepped on, I thought to myself NO I really don't want to ruin my morning this way. So I turned around and went back into the bathroom to shower. Why does THAT have to ruin my day? Why are weight and looks such an issue? I say that I don't care what people think, but the fact of the matter is, it is not people, it is me! I am the person that gives me a hard time.. Sounds crazy right?

So I stripped down and eyed myself in the mirror this morning. Very curvy! But I said "hello beautiful" giving it my best legitimate voice. Then I went about my morning getting ready for work.

As I was putting on my make-up, it then dawned on me that it is not just my body that bothers me, but my not so flawless skin...my hair...my nose..etc.

The painting you see above is called Venus of Urbino by Titian. I fell in love with this painting in college Art Appreciation years ago. It made me happy to see that there were/are men out there that find all woman beautiful. This was Titian's ideal woman..Any and all of his paintings right down his depiction of Mary Magdalene were of curvy busty beautiful woman.

So what happened? Why all of a sudden is it such a terrible thing to be a little curvier than the norm? What is the norm? Oh no, here I go psychologizing..

I have set a goal for myself and it started this morning. I am going to look into the mirror daily and say something I love about myself. Let's just face it our men love us, yes! but they are not the best at selling our beauty to us..unless the mood is right (if ya know what I mean). Whether we are bigger or smaller than we would like to be we are all gods art and I am going to start today, appreciating that!

I am beautiful and so are you. What is your favorite feature? Honestly to me, it is a joke sometimes, but I really LOVE my butt! Seriously, it is huge! But it is there and I think one of my best attributes.

Just gaze at that woman above.. She is beautiful.! At least I know that Titian would have hit on me..

Peace N Love

A new Perspective..

After reading some comments on my post from this morning, I googled the quote that Daniel put in his comment "The will of god shall never lead you, where the grace of god cannot protect you". I found a poem that this went to and I felt the need to share it!

The will of God will never take you
Where the grace of God cannot keep you,
Where the arms of God cannot support you,
Where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
Where the power of God cannot endow you.

The will of God will never take you
Where the spirit of God cannot work through you,
Where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
Where the army of God cannot protect you,
Where the hands of God cannot mold you.

The will of God will never take you
Where the love of God cannot enfold you,
Where the mercy of God cannot sustain you,
Where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
Where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

The will of God will never take you
Where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
Where the Word of God cannot feed you,
Where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
Where the omnipresence of God cannot find you.

Author unknown.

That is something that I need to learn.. I love that Daniel took the time and put that on my post. It really opened my eyes.. I have that poem taped to the inside of my journal and plan on reading it daily.
I want to put forth the effort to understand God because I cannot teach my son something that I do not fully understand..

Until next time..

Peace n Love.

Thoughts for today

Let me begin by saying, there are many topics in my life that I feel strongly about. If I offend, I apologize, but "freedom of speech is a bitch sometimes and so am I for that matter".

How is it that people can wake up in the morning and just go about their day without have a single moment of depression? How do they do that? Is their mind totally empty? Is there nothing bothering them? How do you stay positive when there are so many things weighing on your mind that seem so negative?

It makes perfect sense why I am not fully understood, because I don't understand you either. Walking around with a happy smile on your face all the time. It has to be fake! No one is that happy all the time. Or are they? Is it just me? Do I really just find things to worry about?

I have been told that having god in your life helps. Yea, I said it.. I said God!
What if you are angry with God? What if you and God are having an argument right now and simply cannot come to an agreement? Who settles that one? I try to be spiritual believe me, and I believe that there is a god, so don't worry, but in my experience alot of what he has done in my life and the lives of my loved ones is nothing less than evil and negative to me. I have this child-like hatred sometimes that makes me so angry it is unhealthy. Maybe one day something will happen that will make me feel like we are not being punished all the time. Some big act of, well yea God!.

I grew up going through the Catholic motions, Saturday: CCD, Sunday: Mass. Every week.. I felt like I was pretty "religious" and devoted to my god. Then all hell broke loose! (no pun intended there).

So for those of you who don't know.. My dad was diagnosed with Cancer in December of 2002 and died very shortly after in October of 2003. However, about 6 months or so after he was diagnosed, so was my mom!. Yea! I know crazy right?
Mom has been fighting her demon inside for going on 6 years now and just about every year there is a big scare in her health status. UP and DOWN is all i can say. There is this great ride that everyone talks about called "the emotional roller coaster". Yea Been on it for a while now.. Sometimes I just wish it would stop upside down and let me breath for a moment!

I guess some would argue that it is god that is keeping her alive. Okay I will take that. But why would he do it in the first place? Why did she get it? Why did dad get it? Why are murderers, rapists and pedophiles living healthy lives? Don't they deserve this more? I mean don't get me wrong, I would never wish this disease on anyone, but that doesn't mean that some people don't deserve to be punished.

That is how I feel today..


Thanks for reading.!

Here Goes

I have no idea what I am doing here. Honestly, my writing skills have been tucked away for quite some time now, so please bear with me. I guess since the definition of a blog is "journal-like", I could start by just giving a background about myself for those of you who don't know me. I am going to be turning 30 in June which, I guess, brings upon the thought that I am trying to do something different, now that I am no longer in my mid-20s. Let me see.. When I was an addictions counselor one of my favorite activities to get to know the clients was "who am I", which I found helped them to realize that their drugs did not define them. It works for anyone really. So, here goes:


First and foremost I am a mother..I am a wife a daughter a sister..I am an aunt a cousin a granddaughter. I am a best friend. I am a dreamer. I am a peacekeeper. I am a transcriptionist. I am a lover. I am a talker. I am a shoulder to cry on. I am an ear to listen.

I am a victim of rape, of losing someone, of watching someone die, of watching someone fight to stay alive. Change scares me.

I am a child at heart. I am VERY immature. I love too much and sometimes not enough. I am pushy (ask my husband).

I have been a Corrections officer, a drug counselor and a paralegal, none of which I stuck with. I get bored easily.

I am a hard worker, a perfectionist, a dog groomer and a published poet. I think I'm manic at times.

I am never satisfied with my self-image.

I would love to be a comedian, on Saturday night live. I want to be an actress. I want to be famous. I could not function without music..

I am alive..and I am loved.

Can you tell I am scatter brained?

I am honest, that is me.


Not sure if that helped me or you more.. I guess all in all I am just an average gal, that loves to write, make people laugh, and help. I am obsessed with helping people. And enjoy constructive criticism and helping people solve problems. I am very opinionated, but try not to offend.

I encourage you to do this same exercise, it is a great way look at the big picture of "yourself".

Peace n Love until next time.